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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset to have been dropped by school mums?

16 replies

Schoolbannana · 20/05/2017 10:42

I have a 6 year old DD in year 1.
She is loud and boisterous in comparison to some of the other girls in her class but is friendly and chatty and has caused no issues to my knowledge.
I was very close to 2 of the mums, one more so than the other as we live nearer each other and are more alike personality wise, both quite chatty and the other is of a quieter nature but lovely too!
My daughter and the one I wasn't so close tos daughter became inseparable and the other mum began to mention hers being left out and so on.
Whenever I mentioned it to my daughter she would say that wasn't how it happened, the other girl didn't want to play with them both only one at a time and then there was a few incidents of her hurting my daughter at school - instead of apologising she then blamed mine for being over confident and that hers probably felt intimidated or it was because she was feeling left out.
Had a chat with quiet mum who had also been getting these questions and she said she wasn't going to tell hers who to play with however recently my daughter has been completely dropped, as have I! They've been doing play dates, days out, taking each other's child to school and all sorts of things so that now when leaving school they leave together walk back to the school car parking area together leaving mine wandering behind.
She tried to say goodbye to them yesterday and they both just looked at her but said nothing.
Hardly getting a word out of the mums either so clearly they've decided to stick together and are happy their children have each other and that's the end of it.
Checked with teacher and nothing to report in school, no incidents apart from my daughter being upset in the playground if they won't include her.
Feel like I'm bloody back at school.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 20/05/2017 10:45

There is a lot of fluidity in friendship groups at this age. You have to teach your DD that it is okay to be friends with lots of different people and how to shrug off someone temporarily not being that friendly with her.

Ktown · 20/05/2017 10:46

Leave them to get on with it and keep telling your dd to be friends with everyone.
I don't mention 'best' friends ever.
They are at school to learn and get on with others. No to involve themselves in others lives.
Easier said than done.

Original poster

Schoolbannana · 20/05/2017 11:24

You're right - just baffles me as to what 2 grown women have dumped me for!

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 20/05/2017 11:29

If that's the example the mothers are setting for their dds, I think you've had a lucky escape. Encourage your dd to make new friendships.

Fruitcorner123 · 20/05/2017 11:29

The mums sound like they have behaved like 6 year olds themselves. The only thing you can do is encourage your daughter to make new friends. Is there anyone who she mentions who you could maybe invite round after school one evening? Could you get chatting to other mums and walk back with them? The girls will probably sort their differences out in a few days/weeks which is why these mums have behaved foolishly but it will teach your daughter some resilience which will be good for the future .

Starsandwishes · 20/05/2017 11:43

If I have an issue with my child and another child I never ever speak to the parent even if they are my friend. I keep the issue in school and it gets dealt with. Without the other parent ever knowing there for no issues. And allows me to stay friends with that other parent.

I agree with others encourage your daughter to play with lots of other children. It's not great to hook on to.1 or 2 best friends.

It seems the school is awear your dd is upset so maybe you could ask them to keep an eye on things and help nip it in the bud before it gets to much.

At this age children are normally friends the next day it's parents interfering that messes things up and it gets out of hand

kittytom · 20/05/2017 11:52

How awful! I have a similar sounding just 7 year old who is friend with two girls who know each other from when they were little so go to each other's houses for tea and have barbecues at each other's houses. She sometimes feel left out but it so far hasn't stopped them all being friends. However I have noticed that if SHE accidentally leaves one of them out it is frowned on by one of the parents...

Luckily their parents are generally lovely. Those parents sound like they have acted like children and their daughters will run into huge problems in the future when they inevitably make other friends and their parents can't manipilate the situation.

I would stay well clear and invite some other girls round for tea.

TheRealPooTroll · 20/05/2017 12:08

Sounds like the mum you were closer to has been pursuing the other mum (and quite possibly badmouthing you/your dd) to ensure her dd isn't being left out. I'd give them both a wide berth and arrange some playdates with other kids. Friendship groups of 3 often end up with someone being left out.

SistersOfPercy · 20/05/2017 12:17

I think the thing to remember through school is that for the most part other mums aren't what you'd call 'friends'.
I spent time with many of them when my kids were small, coffee's, playdates etc, but I rarely see them now I have adult kids and they aren't really what I'd call friends, more acquaintances.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you've found a new BF, because at this stage friendships are fleeting. I think you just have to learn not to take things personally and keep out of the backbiting and gossip. I was very much a sideline observer at our primary

Astro55 · 20/05/2017 12:23

Maybe the quieter girl had been feeling left out and crying in the playground so her mum has actively set up play dates to help with friendships

Now it's your DDs turn to be left out

You can't have it both ways

dontbesillyhenry · 20/05/2017 12:26

I've had this myself. Parents who force friendships because they are matey with other mums. Kids soon start to rebel and when they are old enough to start choosing who they play with it all falls apart

Starsandwishes · 20/05/2017 14:03

9 times out of 10 it's the adults that mess things up for kids when they are little.

Original poster

Schoolbannana · 20/05/2017 14:06

Well if she was upset in the playground I didn't know about it and loud mum would have told me 100% but perhaps not quieter one
Will just keep away

OP posts:

bibbitybobbityyhat · 20/05/2017 14:11

I find it impossible to be friends with people whose children aren't nice to mine. Sorry if that makes me sound a bit shabby and flakey but some things you just can't overlook! I've dropped a few mum friends when my children have moved on from theirs. No biggie afaic, it's sort of what you expect to happen with most mum friends? You don't think you'll be friends for life do you?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 20/05/2017 14:12

Reading back, I could have just said "what SistersOfPercy" said.

bojorojo · 20/05/2017 14:37

I have seen mums and dads remain friends from nursery and continue right up to when the children are in their 20s and have graduated. They can very much exclude others from their circle and only admit 'people like them'. If you are not, then you might get spoken to then dropped. I was 'friendly' with people but when my children moved on it didn't last. Just encourage your child to have a range of friendships and find your tribe. It may not be for life but the next 5 years would do.

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