To be pissed at DH again over DS1

[TooMuchJD]

DS1 is 17, goes college, has Saturday job, does chores daily, generally ok behaviour wise, no drink/drug issues, doesn't stay out every weekend, pays his own bus fares, buys own clothes etc.
He is my DS and DH's stepson.
He's gone to see some bands at under 18's night in town, was happy catch the bus home at 11pm, I was apprehensive in a mum way, he missed the bus but waiting for next one at 11.30pm - no curfew just agreed this is what he would do. (Kept me informed by text).
I expressed concern that he would hanging around town for 30 mins, so ask DH should I go fetch him to put my mind at rest? Massive row for next 20 mins about it resulting in some very nasty comments and DH storming off to bed citing divorce!
I felt it was normal and reasonable to feel concerned, DH disagreed stating if he was old enough to go out he was old enough to get himself home and I shouldn't "mollycoddle" DS?
Bit confused and seriously pissed off at the mo tbh

[SavoyCabbage]

She was going to do it herself Dragon.

[HildaOg]

I looked at one of your previous threads and nearly got sick reading it. This man has being bullying your son for years and you've been aware of it and fully allowed it to continue. His life is a nightmare. You are just as bad as your husband for subjecting him to that. Children are completely reliant on us to protect them and keep harmful people away, not bring them into their home and allow them to be terrorised.

Are you looking for sympathy for him shouting at you? You haven't had enough sympathy for your sons experience to get rid of his abuser years ago so it's hard to feel any. This relationship is your choice. He never got a say.

[HappyFlappy]

Bearing in mind that more (particularly, lone) males are assaulted than females, I would have gone to collect him at that time of night, too.

Your DS might be sensible, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a few gangs of lads out there just looking for trouble.

Blimey - the time he took to argue with you, he could have got your son. (I take it there is a reason you don't drive yourself)

[HappyFlappy]

Sorry - just realised that you were going to get him. You should have just gone.

And if others are correct about your previous threads, (which I haven't seen), then you should give your child more protection - your 'D'H is a bully.

[Intransige]

I assume that this is the same DH who threw things at you during an argument and called you a "fucking whore" and a "stupid cow" in front of your children in your previous thread a number of years ago?

He seems to have form for exploding in a disproportionate and frightening way. That can't be good for anyone in the house.

[NorksAreMessy]

YANBU

But you WILL be unreasonable if you continue to let this happen. I suspect that you are not actually asking about this one incident (bad though it is). If this is a snapshot of your life, perhaps you need more support for bigger changes.

Your DS, by the way, sound like a great lad.

[Bubblysqueak]

Huge over reaction from 'd'h . My mum still comes to pick me up and dh and lots of our friends from town if taxi queue is too long it's raining I thought it was what parents do!

[NotYoda]

I don't think you needed to fetch him, but it's a long long way from believing that to actually thinking badly of you for caring about your stepson

So others on here have confirmed that your H is, at the very least, massively unreasonable

I hope you listen to what others seem to have been repeatedly telling

Other people really really don't have husbands who swear, name-call and shout at the person they are meant to love

[picklemepopcorn]

You said: There are two sides to every relationship so you are only seeing it from my angle.

On this one incident alone, which you have probably described accurately actually sounds like you minimised it , everyone here is saying YANBU.

Given that this is an ongoing situation, not a one off, I think you know what you should be doing. Why aren't you? What is keeping you stuck?

[NotYoda]

It's interesting that your posting history is all over different Topics and that you posted this one in AIBU, and that you seem to have reached a point of knowing you needed to leave, long ago.

Are you just venting on AIBU until the next time?

Seek some RL help

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

You are so far from getting away from your tormentor.

Of course it was a nice thought to give your son a lift. Your tormentor sounds jealous (well you do belong to him y'know) and you have excused his actions for years because of his poor upbringing? In the mean time you decided to subject yourself and your children to some daily abuse because you felt sorry for him?

Why oh why do you stay???????

if you loved your kids you should get them away from him as fast as you can - can they live with their dad???

[NotYoda]

A quick look shows you've been posting about him for at least 5 years

[ElspethFlashman]

I knew I shouldn't have looked at your previous threads as it would just be upsetting but I did and it's clear you have never had any intention of leaving him.

Your children however will one day leave you. And never come home again. Not whilst he's there. There will be excuses. And you will probably blame their girlfriends for keeping them away. It won't be their girlfriends.

[Finola1step]

TooMuchJD, you have been posting about this man for many years. You have been given wise advice many times. All the while. Your dc have been growing up in this abusive wreck of a marriage. What will it take for you to see sense?

[DaemonPantalaemon]

When this poor boy grows up and marries a woman who understands that the way he was treated was not normal, and encourages him to go no contact with his abuser, the step-father, and his abuser's enabler, the OP, the OP will be back on Mumsnet, playing the aggrieved mother and whining that she never did any wrong.

You have chosen a man over your child OP. No matter how you try to explain it away, that is what you have done.

[lborgia]

"You're only seeing it from my angle" sad face.

Why do you need to worry about how it looks from anyone else's angle? If what you have written is what you've experienced lets not even go into what your son has experienced why is that not enough by itself to know he's not a nice man?

All hte time you've spent analysing and allowing him to behave this way because of how his mother behaved... do you think that perhaps your son might have to "deal" with how his mother behaved?

On the other hand, at least he's gone the other way, become a wonderful man... you must be very proud of him.

[ratspeaker]

There may be 2 sides to the relationship but basically what you have posted is that you need your DH permission to leave the house!

You didn't just st say " ach, Im off to pick DS up as its late" you asked your DH if it was OK to do so. Then DH had a strop, caused an arguement and is citing divorce!
Thats not OK and no amount of excusing it because of " his upbringing" is ok.

Tbh Id go along with the divorce. Id be asking him this am when he's moving out.

I've raised 4 children, the teen under 18 things are a part of life but its a worry. Ive been in similar circumstances. My DH reaction to me saying Im thinking of going to pick DS up was often " I'll go, you went last time".
No drama just a desire to see our kids safe and sound.
If my DH had reacted like yours I would have no respect for him at all and would not think much of him as a person let alone as a father.

[Naicehamshop]

Come on op. I've just read your other threads - I know it's difficult but now is the time to really step up and think about your son's life with this man in it.

[Whileweareonthesubject]

My dcs are adults now, in their 20's and one lives with their partner in their own home. If either one of them phoned to say they were waiting for a bus in town at that time of night, or their car had broken down looking at you here dc2 , of course do or I would go out to give them a lift/help. We don't mollycoddle our dcs at all, but if we can help, why wouldn't we?
Your dh sounds selfish and downright nasty. Having read some comments on here about your previous threads, I've taken a look. You have a full posting history of horror stories about your dh. In almost all of them you appear to know the relationship is at best, poor and actually abusive. And yet you continue to defend his actions by citing his past and claiming it's only your side of the story and he's 'not that bad'really. What about your children's side? Who takes their side? Not you, because you continue to allow them to live in this abusive atmosphere. I can see that you don't want your marriage to 'fail', of course you don't. But you are failing in your relationship with your children because you are not protecting them. Who will you blame when your ds1 leaves home - maybe for university - and chooses not to return? Your husband or yourself for not protecting him from your nasty husband's behaviour? Who will you blame if school refer to SS because I've of your younger dcs tells them what dh is like? Schools have to take safeguarding issues very seriously these days. And witnessing verbal or physical abuse, of a parent is something that does raise red flags and in our school, would result in a phone call to see to discuss next steps.
Look after your children, look after yourself. Your husband is already looking after himself.

[Rudi44]

You son sounds considerably more mature than your DH, who quite frankly sounds like a brat.
As a teenager I lived with my father and step mother who was pretty awful to me on a daily basis. At the time I didn't really question it but now as a parent myself I have lost any respect I had for him because I know that whatever happens I would put my DC above anyone else even if it meant ending a relationship with someone (or not starting it in the first place).

[ShoesHaveSouls]

YANBU to want to pick your DS up - I wouldn't want my 17yr old hanging around town for half an hour on a friday night). Your DS sounds lovely.

I glanced at your previous posts too - your life with this man sounds exhausting. Looks like it's been going on for years - him exploding and threatening to leave, shouting, throwing things - living in this volatile environment must have an affect on your children. He really didn't want you to cuddle your 13mth old? He is jealous of his own children, and moreso of his stepson.

It's going to get worse OP, not better. Your DS17 sounds like he's going to grow up into a fine young man - and this will rankle your useless DH even more as times goes by, as it will start showing him up for what he is.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Yes, we are only hearing it from one side.

It doesn't matter

There is nothing this fuckwit could say that would justify his behaviour, not to you and not to your kids. Nothing.

Post as often as you want to. We are here for you, no matter how long it takes you to see that you need to leave him (the sooner the better, especially for your kids though). But when you post, without any history, you will get people saying you're over protective or it's not that bad, because they don't have the full history. You are asking people to reassure you it's ok, so you can justify staying. It's like if someone asked if it was ok if they had a glass of wine on a Friday night, people would say 'Of course!' If thry later revealed they'd just come out of rehab the answers would be different.

[lborgia]

Annie love the wine analogy - I haven't looked at the past threads, but they are obviously completely relevant to this one.

[lotusbomb]

Blimey, I'd go and pick up my mum to save her waiting half an hour in town on a Friday night and she's mid 50s!

You will do irreparable damage to your son and your other children if you do not take control of this situation and end it. That's probably not what you want to hear but it's the truth.

[Kokusai]

My dad would have run out and picked my up in that situation.

Really sad when families don't like to do nice things for each other.

It was a very silly thing for your DH to blow up over. Even if he didn't think he needed a pick up he should have just said so not blown up.