To tell the mum's at nursery to fuck off

[Queenofthestress]

Every single day during drop off I get the dirtiest looks because I play with DC1 during the wait for the doors to open, half the time it's not even playing, it's catching him before he shoots out the door and is off before I can even turn dc2's pushchair around to run after him.
They know he's SN as they're in the same group and have heard me and his teacher talking about appointments or its come up in conversation yet I'm still getting dirty looks as if to say how dare you play with your child

Would it be unreasonable to tell them to bugger off with their shitty looks?

[Witchitywoo]

Do you know what OP? I totally understand what you're saying. I've been through this and it was awful. When I took my daughter to school my son would be in his special needs push chair and be noisy. EVERYONE would stare. I even had one little girl come up to play with his toy and when I tried to say something to her mum about it and that I didn't mind, the mum totally blanked me. Turned her head away and ignored me. BUT, I was extremely sensitive about my son and his SEN so I interpreted everyone else looking at me as judgemental. I was the only mum with a child who was different and I felt such a failure. Yes, it took a while to feel comfortable taking my daughter to school but now, some of those mums are really good friends. They've since said that they didn't know what to say or how to approach me as it was something they've never come across before. Now, they all ask about my son and how he's progressing and their children do too, even though these kids are now in their late teens. So brazen it out OP. I know it's difficult but in time you'll feel more confident and their looks/stares/scowling won't bother you and you might make some amazing supportive friends!!

[AwaywiththePixies27]

My youngest is a bolter it's a nightmare, you can't actually have a conversation with anyone as you're on.high alert and have to run at a moments notice.

CuppaSarah it's like you're describing my DS here. The amount of times I've had to cut off mid conversation to go and chase / find Houdini here!

[Booksandcrocheting]

I have no idea whether starey mum just has RBF or is disapproving or scowling. But helping your developmentally delayed child to learn is so massively worthwhile, that it's worth any number of scowls. My child had a severe language delay at preschool age, so I know what it's like to be the mother of the child that stands out, and it's tough. Just carry on. And don't be wary of older mothers in general. I found older mothers of four or five kids were great for general parenting advice as they had seen it all and weren't into competitive parenting.

[toomuchtooold]

OP you're the one who sees the mums, you know they're giving you a dirty look, IDK what everyone thinks they're achieving by telling you you're imagining it.

Don't tell them to fuck off - don't give them the satisfaction of knowing they're upsetting you. Just keep playing with your boy. Being a parent means being an umbrella to protect your kids from this sort of bullshit, I guess even moreso because of the SN and people being shits about it.

[Spikeyball]

If Low is a specialist sn teacher she should know it is inappropriate to give the 'advice' she is giving without actually knowing the child.

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

I have already apologised to the OP.

[Lilicat1013]

I'm pretty horrified that Low is a 'specialist sn teacher'! - I agree, so glad you aren't my son's teacher.

OP I know exactly what you mean, both my boys have autism, global developmental delay and speech delay. I know what it's like to be in rooms where you have every single person's eyes on you. My eldest isn't loud but his behaviour is unusual and that attracts attention, he also wants every single written word he comes across read to him. So in the doctors I am reading out posters about flu vaccines and why you shouldn't miss your appointment which gets funny looks especially when he wants the one about chlamydia tests read out. He is now seven and it is quickly clear he has additional needs so we always get lots of attention but not a lot of judgement usually.

My youngest is four and loud. It is not immediately clear he has additional needs. Everytime we go out it to the background noise of people muttering about how loud/naughty/difficult he is. On Monday our Maclaren Major (disabled pushchair) arrives and I can't wait. Aside from the practical need to have a more suitable pushchair people might get the hint that he has additional needs and keep some of their comments to themselves.

I can't promise it will get easier but you will get more desensitised to it over time.

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

Bad night, alright. I have apologised.

[Queenofthestress]

Low has apologised and I do understand her reasoning, all is good in the mumsnet world guys so chill your beans

[Willow2017]

Hell I did that loads with both my 2. It kept them occupied waiting for the door to open. It was a very small waiting area no seats to sit down 'quietly with a damm book'. Much better than them being hyper while they waited or getting upset cos they didn't want to go in some days.

Op just ignore the rude scowels you do what you need to do you are not doing any harm unless you are yelling at the top of your voice.

Performance parenting? Pointing to pictures on a nursery waiting area wall? Oh well you learn something new every day I thought I was just interacting with my kids and using every day things as learning opportunities while making my life easier😀😀

[YesAnastasia]

Like Mary21 & Witchitywoo I agree that you are quote likely being judged.

There are those who will see you with you SN child think the child is naughty & unruly and you have caused this behaviour by your parent style. By 'pandering' to your child, by being 'too soft' and the they're spoilt (when you are trying to adapt their environment so they're comfortable). She may be thinking your DC needs a smack or some serious discipline and they'd be fine. There are even some people who don't believe that ASD even exists. You're fighting a losing battle with these nobheads.

You will always get this kind of person, no matter how much awareness & education there is. You have to rise above it because telling them to 'fuck off' would only be satisfying for 5 seconds, then you'd feel shit again.

You sound like a lovely mum & it's so very hard with a child with additional needs. Good luck x

[TinselTwins]

I don't judge the older ones, I literally just don't know what to say

You know what to say to the younger ones though
You just assume the older ones wouldn't appreciate the same friendliness from you too.
Older mums can feel just as lonely or insecure as anyone else.
Good luck with that as your LO goes through school OP!

[Queenofthestress]

I don't know what to say to the older ones as they already have their friendship group that they stand chatting with Tinsel, when most of the younger ones are in the same boat with it being their first dc starting school and not knowing anyone

[whataboutbob]

I was an older mum ( in years) with DS1, I am more relaxed with DS2. Didn't understand the rules of engagement at first with the whole school scene, I'm a lot more relaxed with DS2. I can understand that OP finds it hard. If it's anything like my kids' school there's a lot of competitiveness under the veneer of sociability, add in a child who is a little different from the average into the mix and it's stressful.

[SandunesAndRainclouds]

I have a DD with SEN, I'd call this survival parenting rather than performance parenting!

OP just carry on doing whatever you need to do to get through the day in the least stressful way possible. You can't read anyone else's mind so don't try. I'm sure I've been judged a million and one times for the way I have to communicate with DD, or for being the parent standing on one leg at the side of the road, using the other leg to block a bolting DD, one hand to grab the toddler and the other arm to balance book bags, lunch boxes, PE kits, umbrellas, junk modelling, precious leaves and stones..... (that really did happen!)

Your energy is already spent on what you have to do to protect and communicate with your DC. Don't waste a drop else on anyone unless they are being nice and helpful!

[MaisyPops]

op
Glad we're on the same page. I didn't want people to think I was having a go. To me it's common sense, playing and interacting is fine as long as it's at an appropriate and considerate volume. If it's stupidly loud then yes it's showing off or being inconsiderate.

You seem to be reasonable.

[EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck]

Lowdoor I was playing peekaboo with a 4yo and a 2yo yesterday. They instigated it. Should I have told them they were too old?

[EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck]

I got this yesterday in Sainsbury's. DS2, 5, with behavioral issues, bolted up the stairs then leant over the top. I naturally shouted at him to get away from the stairs, as I couldn't get to him, and he wouldn't have heard me otherwise. The woman in front of me glared at me. I said, because I was feeling defensive, "yes? And your problem is?" Not my finest hour 😳, but I didn't know how else I was to protect DS2. She then proceeded to tell me no wonder my DC (DD is mostly impeccably behaved) behave badly with a mum like me, look at the state of me, I'm such a chav. Well I'm the poshest sounding chav I've ever met. She called me argumentative, well yes, I defend myself when I'm attacked.

The lovely people are the ones who call me a good mum when I'm telling DS2 to get off the table in a café, they always make me cry. 😢

School thinks DS2 has ADHD, CAMHS doesn't, something's up though.

Anyway, my point is, some people can be horribly judgmental without knowing all the facts. If I see a parent struggling with a difficult child, I smile sympathetically.

[Queenofthestress]

So I said hi to the mum today, instead of saying hi back I got a 'just so you know, I don't think kids should be having kids'
cue WTF face
I asked what she meant and she said 'he's four right? So you would have been what, 14 when you had him? Thats just wrong'
Confused as hell, my response was 'no, actually if you must know, I was two weeks off my 19th...'

So, in the end, frowny mum was frowning because she thought I was 18 with a 4 year old...mystery solved!

[DrFoxtrot]

that's terrible. What a cheeky cow!

At least you know that your behaviour/ parenting style is not in question now. It's just that she's a judgmental arsehole. She needs pity, imagine life being her...

[Wolfiefan]

Wow. And that was her business why?!

[Queenofthestress]

No bloody idea Wolfie! She suggested wearing makeup so I don't look so young and people don't mistake me for someone who had a child really young, felt like replying that if she only got 5 hours sleep on a really really good day would you want to stand there putting on a face full of slap just to make people less judgey? I think not!

[EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck]

You really should have said that. Or: "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Bitch. 😱💐

[ShastaBeast]

I was about to empathise with the difficulty being a younger mum at the school gates and suspect people did judge. I know I'm judged and I'm only perceived as young, in fact a parent asked if I was my five year old's sister recently - I'm mid 30s! This has happened a few times weirdly. But the age of the average parent at our school is well over 40 so I feel noticeably younger. I also have a child with ADHD, although she's not too bad she was always more difficult and would bolt as a younger child. I ended up very isolated as it was so tough to get out and feel so exposed to judgement. I hope you can ignore the judgemental parents and just enjoy your kids, it's just a shame some people would rather judge than support. I'd feel a lot for a parent who was a very young mum, it's bloody hard and often won't be the result of a happy middle class home life.

[CuppaSarah]

Wow, what a nasty person! What if you had been a very young mother? I think, just so she knows. People who have giant sticks up their arses and judgey pants the size of a hippos, should not be having children.

I mean her kid's, what 4? So that must mean she was stil la massive entitled cowbag when she had her child. That's just wrong.