To tell the mum's at nursery to fuck off

[Queenofthestress]

Every single day during drop off I get the dirtiest looks because I play with DC1 during the wait for the doors to open, half the time it's not even playing, it's catching him before he shoots out the door and is off before I can even turn dc2's pushchair around to run after him.
They know he's SN as they're in the same group and have heard me and his teacher talking about appointments or its come up in conversation yet I'm still getting dirty looks as if to say how dare you play with your child

Would it be unreasonable to tell them to bugger off with their shitty looks?

[unapaloma]

Its a bit sad that playing games and pointing things out to a child are now apparently being frowned on as showing off. I did that constantly with my kids, unless in a very quiet place - they loved it, I enjoyed it, and I never gave much thought to whether people thought it was showing off. In fact quite a few older people smiled and had a chat with us, so they didn't seem to find it obnoxious, and at the swimming pool, an older child would often join in, presumably because it looked fun. Maybe its just tired mums who see it as 'showing off'....

[Crumbs1]

It's good to,talk and play with little ones. Better you sing nursery rhymes than just ignore them whilst you text.
I think the issue may be your lack of confidence and a sense of not belonging/fitting in. Do the other parents know your child has developmental delay? Do you smile and say hello? Do you mention how hot/cold/wet it is? Do you ask about their children?
Maybe they think you are standoffish and can't be bothered to talk to them?
Forget any idea that they are disapproving and remember they are just mothers like yourself with their own complicated lives, joys and disappointments. I suspect you need to reach out a bit.

[Queenofthestress]

I talk to a few of the younger ones but I never know what to say to the older ones, I always think they won't want to talk to me

[TinselTwins]

honestly sounds like their gase is just falling in the direction of movement

When I used to drop off DDs at nursery my mind was half at work already, I was probably staring into the middle distance too

People mostly think about their own stuff they have going on, they're probably not thinking too hard about you or your child

[TinselTwins]

"gaze" not gaze

I talk to a few of the younger ones but I never know what to say to the older ones, I always think they won't want to talk to me sounds like you're the judgemental unfriendly one.

[MrsBobDylan]

Op, try to ignore those who accuse you of 'performance parenting', they have little understanding for the position you are in (although some will say they too have an asd child/teach sn children and they just 'tell' the child they need to wait because all children need to fit in with societies norms).

I have been where you are, son is now 7 and it didn't get better but I got loads better at coping emotionally.

I did a loud piece of 'performance parenting' this week carrying my swearing son out to his Mencap Buddy's car. I was trying to distract him by saying 'what colour is her car? It's red! Like ours!. He repaid my efforts by doing a bunk and making me chase him down several streets with my bloody flip flops on. Next week, it will be easier as it won't be the first time but there will still be something to entertain the neighbours I'm sure.

[Crumbs1]

They'll want to talk to you. The older ones might actually be easier to talk to once you show willing. If you're shy just say so. A little self deprecation goes a long way. Tell them what lovely eyes/smile/hair their child has. Anything to break the ice.

[LunchBoxPolice]

I had to google quiescent.

[Queenofthestress]

I don't judge the older ones, I literally just don't know what to say, they have their mates who they talk to and know really well and then I'm just there feeling like bit of a wet lettuce trying to entertain DS or keep him from bolting out the door as soon as it's opened to let someone in

[robinia]

Honestly, please don't think you have to say anything different to the older ones. Just start off by smiling or saying hi. Maybe compliment a dc's clothes or haircut and ask where it's from. Make small talk and get to know them. We are all still young underneath the wrinkles.

[Ktown]

Are you sure it isn't a case of 'grumpy resting face'?
I remember being tired and stressed at drop off and wouldn't look cheery nor friendly to anyone - many times.

[MaisyPops]

hazeyjane
If the OP is using a reasonable volume then that's fine.
Its a bit sad that playing games and pointing things out to a child are now apparently being frowned on as showing off
That's not what people are saying though. Playing games with a child is absolutely fine. Pointing letters our is absolutely fine.

What's not fine is using a volume with your child that is inconsiderate to others without there being a reason (such as what MrsBob outlined in her post), not just feeling like loud play.

I don't like the idea that any volume, any time should be accepted and that if you say 'actually please be considerate to others/situation' suddenly it's 'I can't belive people think it's wrong to play with kids/Make as much noise as I like'. That kind of view is nondifferent from people who think the world should hear their mobile phone conversations, women who like to shout their love life back and forth in the ladies' toilets etc.

To me, if an adult is repeatedly making excessive noise for a situation then it is showing off. Child or no child.

Very simple. Whether you are with adults or children, use a volume that is considerate of others and appropriate to the situation.

[MarilynWhirlwindRocks]

OP,

You:

"...trying to entertain DS or keep him from bolting out the door as soon as it's opened to let someone in."

"...it's catching him before he shoots out the door and is off before I can even turn dc2's pushchair around to run after him."

"I do tell him to use his indoor voice."

"I'm literally either playing peekaboo with him or pointing out what the letters on the wall say..."

"He has global developmental delay, and suspected ASD with ADHD traits..."
"...So yes, the games you would typically play with a child of his age most of the time isn't suitable which led to playing peekaboo."

"Actually I do it at home, the shops, on the street, any where and everywhere because he still jabbers 75% of the time, he's classed as non verbal by the speech therapist because you can't understand him at all which most of my mum friends at school know because they've seen me do it walking to and from school, I doubt that's performance parenting"

"I walk down the street singing nursery rhymes, guess I shouldn't be doing that in public either..."

"I'm definitely being oversensitive. Stressed, exhausted and oversensitive..."


Some PPs:

"Maybe they think you're 'performance parenting' and they find it annoying."
(Nope, no mention of quinoa, in Mandarin)

"Presumably all the other children waiting for the same nursery session are of a similar age and managing to wait quietly."
"...but she can sit him on her lap with a book and point at letters together in that. Or, play a game of hiding a toy under a cloth."
(Surely extra difficult due to his above medical conditions, and OP also having younger sibling in tow?).

"If you let your child "get loud" in an enclosed, indoor space, on a daily basis then they are going to glare, especially if ti seems you are encouraging it."
(Eh? Encouraging DS to get loud how exactly: OP's already said she encourages his "indoor voice", and tries to distract him by interacting and playing games).

OP,
I have worked with many young kids, incl. some with additional needs, but I'm not a parent myself so a different experience entirely.
But, FWIW, sounds to me like you're doing the very best you can, both to keep safe and occupy your DS, whilst managing your younger DC and in attempting to show consideration for others as much as is humanly possible in those circumstances.

Must be bloody hard juggling all that.

Other than only ever arriving at the last minute, thereby missing out on practice opportunities for DS, and (hopefully) camaraderie-building with other parents for you, I really can't see what some expect you to do?

Supportive, experienced advice upthread...I just wanted to wish you (and DS) well x

[Queenofthestress]

I completely agree with that Maisypops, it's basic common sense imo

[AwaywiththePixies27]

Unless you are coming across as a 'loud parent' (oh look timmy! We know those numbers in mandarin, don't we! Timmy! It's the letter Q! Q for quinoa and quiescent. Tell everyone what quiescent means now Timmy...), they really probably aren't staring at you.

Somebody was doing performance parenting on the bus this week. Kid about 2 and the whole 'can you count to 100 - clever DC!' etc etc. The lady next to me was engaging with thwm. Some others on the bus were looking at the mum in a 'did you have to?' kind of way.

Then the mum bent down to the DC to do some more performance parenting and the kid headbutted her! (by accident obviously).

OP. It might not even be about you unless you are being ridiculously exceptionally loud when talking to DS.

[CuppaSarah]

Queen I wish we were taking our kids to the same nursery! You and your ds sound like my people! My youngest is a bolter it's a nightmare, you can't actually have a conversation with anyone as you're on.high alert and have to run at a moments notice.

Just keep doing what you're doing, your ds needs it and he's the priority here. You could always try striking up conversation on the way out, I find it much easier to talk then. I think part of the problem could be the other parents don't have much experience with children who have sen. They might not get it fully and assume you're trying to show off or something daft. Who knows. People are strange and ds will leave nursery soon enough!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

They're probably thinking about all the things they have to do when they've dropped their child off. Looking in your direction because there's movement there and this attracts the eye. Perhaps one will see you as an annoyance for not setting a good example to little Tarquinius, who should be standing in line with a sullen face. But not all of them, surely?

[Spikeyball]

It is most likely they are just gazing into space. Just do what you need to do and if by chance someone is being judgemental, they are only worth ignoring. My child's gross motor skills are also far more advanced than anything else and some people seem unable to understand that just because a person can move like they are a certain age, it doesn't mean they can behave or understand like that age.

[hazeyjane]

What MarilynWhirlwindRocks said.

Lots of posters are presuming the op is 'showing off', engaging in 'loud' or 'performance' patenting, and makes no effort to reduce the noise he makes. When all she has described is - the not easy task of -waiting with her child with additional needs (who needs more input to help him wait) with a baby in tow.

I remember when ds was at preschool, it already felt as though I was set apart from the other mums because I was twice their age, then I had ds who looked like a baby compared to their children and couldn't speak and clung to me and cried. It isn't easy when your path is working out differently.

It's difficult, 9 times out of 10 people are wrapped up in gazing at their own navel, but you do get people who are arseholes and tut or roll their eyes and judge (half of AIBU wouldn't exist if people didn't do this!) Ignore these people, know you are doing your best in difficult circumstances and let them mither in their own misery.

[jamdonut]

The others sound like they don't know how to communicate with their child ! You are doing nothing wrong ( unless you are being very loud).

Some people think that it is 'babyish' to play games and sing nursery rhymes...well..er...precisely!
Tiny children do not need to talk in full grammatical sentences, they need the silly and surprised faces and nursery rhymes...so many don't know any these days.
I used sing with mine as I was walking down the road with the pram!

Ignore them. At least your child has a mother who interacts with them.

[Mary21]

Sorry to disagree. Some of the mums probibly are judging you. Some will be judging your child. Some won't know how to react and will ignore, chat to others look at their phones so they don't need to interact. The other children will judge too even at this young age. Xxx is a naughty boy he spasms all the water etc..It's hard being a mum to a child with special needs in a mainstream environment. And from your point of view they all have lovely problem free children who can do as they are told.
Couple of points for you to remember, they don't all have problem free children. Sometimes it's very hard but we have to make all the effort to chat. We have to explain. If it's all too hard ask to arrive 15 mins later.
Come over to the special needs boards. Lots of people there who have been there and done it. Don't forget. They are the ones with a problem if they can't accept a little child with special needs.

[HarrySnotter]

literally either playing peekaboo with him or pointing out what the letters on the wall say

This is performance parenting, I bet you wouldn't do it with the volume on high at home. It's annoying. If DS can't handle a wait turn up dead on time or bring something for him to do while you wait, even if it is watch cbeebies on a phone.

Low this reads as a really nasty post to me, no need to try to make the OP feel shit.

[hazeyjane]

I'm pretty horrified that Low is a 'specialist sn teacher'!

Some people do judge, and do stare with cats arse faces. As Mary21 says, this is their problem, not yours or your child's.

[MrsBobDylan]

Yes, and not just a sn teacher, a specialist sn teacher. Wonder which bit of sn she specialises in? I think it's a specialism which means all the children she teaches can wait just like nt kids and where their parents don't have to differentiate the activities they do with them to suit their developmental needs.

[Marcipex]

I love mumsnet, Q for quiescent at this time in the morning.