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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I dont like my best friend...

23 replies

Polly1127 · 19/05/2017 09:04

My friend who I have known since school (we are both 30 now) seems to have changed into someone I don’t like and I hate saying that.

She came out of a ten year relationship & 4 months later she moved into a new home with a new boyfriend. He is much younger, not that age is a factor, but it is his first real relationship. This new house is all in her name as well and I warned her that maybe it was too soon and see how things go, but she ignored me and said I was “sensible”. Maybe I can’t my head around it, maybe I am the odd one out but I struggle to cope at how quickly she moved on.

Either way, it's her life but she doesn’t text me as much as she used to, weeks could go by. I get the odd “let’s do coffee” and I agree and then nothing happens because she can’t simply give me a day she’s free. I also get the question text, where i haven't heard from her in weeks but she has a question she cant be bothered to find out herself so texts me. Even her texts are different, she uses words like ‘innit’ and ‘mate’ which is nothing like her! I don’t know it’s just super awkward because I am getting married and she will expect to be my bridesmaid and I hardly hear from her now and she’s just different! I feel bad because we have known each other years but she isnt who she use to be at all.

I also have other best friends who are much closer to me. We have grown up together and closer, not apart.

OP posts:

Sunnydaysrock · 19/05/2017 09:07

People do change and sometimes, as hard as you can try, what's the point if it's all one sided. Is it past the stage of you wanting to save the friendship, ie tell her how you feel as you have nothing to lose, and at least you'll know you've tried everything.

Highalert · 19/05/2017 09:09

Friendships change. She obviously knows you disapprove of her relationship so is keeping her distance.

How you respond to her depends on how much you want to remain her friend.

NellieFiveBellies · 19/05/2017 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 19/05/2017 09:15

She's going through a massive change in her life after coming out of a long term relationship. When I left my DH I went a bit bonkers for a while and was a totally different person, you sort of have to find yourself again. It's up to you whether you want to keep her in your life or not and if you don't just withdraw yourself and let her get on with it.
Do try and cut her some slack though, she's finding her feet and is going to make monumental cock ups along the way.

confusedat23 · 19/05/2017 09:21

It happens OP... I havn't seen my "Best Friend" or actually even spoken to her since she was my Maid of Honor in my wedding last year.

It makes me sad but now I look back it was always me putting in alot of effort and now that effort goes into my Family and being pregnant. We have nothing in common as she is older, bad with money and has no interest in falling in love as she says it doesn't exist after her mum got Divorced 3 times.

Its sad but just try to focus on you and you'll find new friends.

NavyandWhite · 19/05/2017 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heron98 · 19/05/2017 09:28

Wow, I could have written your post word for word down to the younger man.

I am feeling particularly hurt because I've supported her through some mental health issues, and now just feel like I've been dropped as soon as a man comes along.

My approach has been to try and detach. I'm spending time with other people and not contacting her. if she wants to see me, she can make the effort.

Fruitcorner123 · 19/05/2017 09:29

You call her yout "best friend" but then you say you have other people who you are closer to. She's not your best friend then. You don't need to have that label to be close to someone and you don't have to have people as your bridesmaid if you don't want to. Unfortunately it sounds like you are growing apart. It does happen and is sad but don't have someone as a bridesmaid if you don't feel close enough to them.

Teardropexplodes · 19/05/2017 09:36

My "best friend" was pretty crap around the time I got married. I couldn't face the hassle that would come with having her as a bridesmaid but I couldn't face not having her as part of my wedding either, so I compromised and had her as a witness.
I still feel a bit bad, but I know I really shouldn't.

AnaisB · 19/05/2017 09:36

There's no pressure to stay friends.

Your OP suggests that you aren't seeing her as much, rather than you are seeing her and you're not getting on? It could be that she's a bit absorbed in her new relationship, feels you don't approve, and for both reasons has started contacting you less? Is it worth making the effort to pend time together and then re-assessing?

LovelyBath77 · 19/05/2017 09:36

I think we sometimes meet people and get along with them helped by being in similar circumstances and shared interested...but then life changes and suddenly we're in different places.

Having similar with a long term friend as well, I think the thing is here I've changed since having children and she's on a career path, in fact it would have been my path as I recruited her to my old job, which is a bit odd.

ProphetOfDoom · 19/05/2017 09:39

Friendships change, evolve, wax & wane. She was your best friend but she no longer is - by her own actions. It doesn't mean she's no longer a friend but is no longer your close confidant.

Don't have her In your wedding party unless you're having quite a few as bridesmaids. If amongst a number then she's representative of your 30 year history but if she's your only bridesmaid then it will be bittersweet bcatse she's no longer really there for you.

Original poster

Polly1127 · 19/05/2017 09:41

I did speak to her about this, explaining how I don't hear from her anymore, thing's where better for a little while.

I know she probably doesn't think I approve of her relationship, I did say to her it isn't how I would go about things but that's where people are different and it would be strange if we where all the same! However, he does seem like a nice lad and I have been round with a house warming gift for them (I am trying haha).

It's just strange to have gone from, speaking every day to once a week if that.

I know she has other friends now much younger and seems happy so if we have just grown apart fair enough. Part of me worries it will be awkward if we meet up now because it's been that long since we did anything! For the sake of the years we have known each other, I might give it one last go. If nothing changes again then at least I can let go knowing I really tried.

OP posts:

JaneEyre70 · 19/05/2017 09:51

I think it's fairly common to "lose" someone when they go into a new relationship - it's just whether or not you are prepared to wait for her to come out of the other side. But shared history isn't enough to keep a friendship going into the future, if you don't like the person she has changed into then I'd slowly back away without having any fallout.

chocatoo · 19/05/2017 09:56

In my experience friendships ebb and flow. You might be at a stage where you have less in common so grow apart for a while. Doesn't mean she's gone forever. Give her some space but stay in touch with friendly messages.

MatildaTheCat · 19/05/2017 10:00

If she doesn't have time for coffee then she doesn't have time to be your bridesmaid .

Things do change as we go through different phases of life. She may come back when her life settles and more reflects your old pattern. However I'd struggle to keep friends with someone who took to saying innit in a non ironic fashion.

Ethylred · 19/05/2017 10:14

"I did say to her it isn't how I would go about things "

That is a very clear statement that you do not like her current relationship, so why are you surprised that she's withdrawn from you?

Clearlynotmyname · 19/05/2017 10:17

Polly - I went through this a few years ago, and it's horrible.

Very similar, I realised I was making all the effort, she would be welcoming when I turned up at hers but never ever arrange to come to me, and would only get in touch to talk about herself, never ask about me. In my case it made me look back over the course of our friendship and realise she had always been a bit shit, I had only just noticed. Is this the case with your friend, or is it really a temporary blip?

In the end I gave up and went NC. I did ask mn for advice on whether to tell her or just walk away, it was a pretty unanimous "walk away". I did and never heard from her again. I felt very hurt by it, but have moved on and now glad she is out of my life and I have more room for real friends.

Your situation is complicated of course by the wedding thing - it would be pretty hard just to walk away. As some pps have said, it doesn't sound like she is prepared to put enough effort in to be your bridesmaid. Perhaps send her some texts trying to organise wedding things, see if she gets her shit together and is suitably responsive. If not, you may have to have a frank discussion with her that she doesn't seem to want to be involved, so best she wasn't.

ExConstance · 19/05/2017 10:20

One thing I've noticed as I have got older is that friendships come and go. After years of little contact I'm seeing a lot more of one of my old school friends, probably because our careers were very different but now she is retired (I'm not) our social interests are more aligned again. I rediscovered an old uni friend after a 20 year gap and we are quite close now too. On the other hand some of our retired friends have become very "Victor Meldrew" types and we see less of them than in the past. Your previously "best" friend has gone through a lot of changes in her life and is behaving a bit oddly to you. This may go on, or it may change. She may get sick of her present lifestyle and revert to how she was before after a while. Unless you are having the sort of wedding where this would not be possible (tiny or very expensive) I think you should invite her to your wedding for certain and also if possible to be a bridesmaid - keep the outfits affordable and just have one more. This way you could have a clear conscience that you have done all you can to maintain the friendship.

CiliatedEpithelium · 19/05/2017 10:20

I agree with PP. Exclude her if you wish. If she objects, simply say that as she didn't even have time for a coffee you felt expecting her to take a day out would get a negative and so you have taken the course you have.

aibu1983 · 19/05/2017 10:34

i came out of a 11 year relationship and met someone two weeks later. its now over 2 years down the line, we live together and are getting married.

i find ive lost friends. i think they wanted me to be miserable when my relationship ended and were happy to be there whilst i was unhappy.

I dont see some of those friends anymore as i felt i couldn't tell them nice things about my relationship, i felt judged for moving on fast when realistically i had been grieving the relationship whilst i was in it.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 19/05/2017 10:35

It's also worth remembering that she's just come out of ten year relationship, probably feels like you don't approve of her new one ( I agree with Ethy on that) and you're planning a wedding. That's quite tough. I'm not excusing her lack of effort, just trying to offer some perspective.

Original poster

Polly1127 · 19/05/2017 10:53

Thanks for all your advice.

She just seems very wrapped up at the moment but I agree it is a big life changing moment for her and maybe she's just finding her feet again. I do want her to be happy but its hard to have a conversation with her (when we do talk which is rare) when she keeps talking about how perfect he is.

I have not seen her since December and again that was me making an effort to go round to hers with an xmas gift.

Of course, I will invite her to the wedding but you are all correct, if she hasn’t the time for a coffee she won’t have the time to be a bridesmaid. I dont want to cause and issue but i dont want to ask her to be a bridesmaid for the sake of me just being soft about it all and nice.

I guess for the sake of all the years we have known each other, I will give it a least try with her again and see if she makes an effort, that way I will know where i stand.

Thanks again for all your words

OP posts:

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