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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My dad called my Daughter

46 replies

krib · 15/03/2007 20:48

My gorgeous daughter is 6 and for no reason whatsoever, my Dad calls her "calculating". He has called her this on one occasion before (several months ago) with no explanation, which at the time I ignored. Then at the weekend, at A FAMILY GATHERING , he said the same thing in front of other family members. I couldn't ignore it this time, so I told him he was being unfair. My sister tried to move things on by saying "But that's women for you, haha", then the subject was changed. I was fuming, but didn't take it further as it was a family gathering. Today I saw my Mum and mentioned that I'd been upset by what he said. She said she would say something to him & tell him to ring me. He did - he was quite aggressive and immature, making me out to be ultra-sensitive, saying he didn't mean what he'd said and that he'd meant she is precocious. He apologised (grudgingly), saying of course he loves her (why would a grandfather need to say that - shouldn't that be a given?) but she is precocious. I am still fuming, offended and upset. Am I over-reacting? What would you do?

OP posts:

PippiLangstrump · 15/03/2007 21:17

krib if you got offended by that you really don't want to know how my dad called DD when she was anly 11 months old!!! he was joking of course and it was funny but he has been proven right many times over. well not literally of course!!

Chloe55 · 15/03/2007 21:18

Tell us Pippi!

paddingtonbear1 · 15/03/2007 21:21

My dad says my dd is a little madam, and he's right, she can be. I don't get upset about it, he loves her to bits. I wouldn't let it upset you tbh.

paddingtonbear1 · 15/03/2007 21:22

yeh pippi what did he say?

PippiLangstrump · 15/03/2007 21:32

i am here i am here...scared now.
I know it will never sound as light hearted and lovingly as it was. but it was. Not even DH, who worships the ground DD walks in, got offended one bit.

We were in italy and it was the third time my dad had seen DD. last he saw her she was only 6 months so obviously still a baby and not with a very obvious personality.

so when he saw her again at 11 months he was shocked to see how cheeky she was and how good she was at wrapping everyone one around her little finger, especially DH and him. so he came out with a disused italian word that I can only translate with 'a good old slapper!!' (ellbell, franca70, if you are around please translate for me 'bagascia').

paddingtonbear1 · 15/03/2007 21:44

pippi i think that's a fairly good translation. i don't think you can always tell what your own reaction would be, unless you were there, in that context! Some things sound a lot worse when taken out of the setting.

PippiLangstrump · 15/03/2007 21:50

exactly paddingtonbear1. If I had read my own thread I'd probably be shocked but I can promise you that if had you been there you'd have smiled too.

I suppose krib's experience was very different. I can get so so upset about every slight not super positive comment said about DD

VioletBaudelaire · 15/03/2007 22:03

Thank you, Chloe.

crunchie · 15/03/2007 22:32

I can understand your upset but TBH I think you are over-reacting. DH and I think our DD2 can be calculating/devious/manipulative and I see these as overdeveloped emotional intelligence. eg she uses her wiles to get what she wants, she also know how and when to use emotions to get what she wants.

I worry more about her secret behaviour tbh, and I will NOT have her lying to me.

ipanemagirl · 15/03/2007 22:42

I think it's great that you could be honest about how you felt - that's all you can do isn't it? But it's healthy that you can be honest in your family - doesn't mean everyone likes what they hear or necessarily agrees - but your feelings can be aired and heard - sounds like a good family to me!

My family have said so many dubious things about my ds that I finally let them go and accept that they can are a bit odd!

Original poster

krib · 16/03/2007 12:01

I'm not at all close to my Dad which is why his comments probably get to me more than they should. Looking from other people's points of view I can understand why you think I over-reacted, but the fact that we don't get on just blows small comments out of proportion - I'm seeing more clearly now!!!

I guess if you have a great relationship with your parents, such a comment can be laughed off - unfortunately I'm not that lucky which makes me sad as so many of my friends are really close to their parents. Don't wish to sound full of self-pity but it does get me down - a lot .

ps sorry VB - I was feeling super-sensitive last night

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 16/03/2007 12:05

What did she do to make him think she was calculating.

I think I can see a bit why you are offended as to describe someone now as calculating means that they are quite cold and devious. Not really appropriate for a 6yr old. Perhaps meant it however that she was clever, after all you can call kids devious and mean it in a playful way.

I would have simply told him that it was an inappropriate description for a child and that you think she is beautiful, clever etc.

I wouldn't have turned it into a row or demanded he apologised.

Original poster

krib · 16/03/2007 12:07

I didn't ask for an apology, I just mentioned it to my Mum who told my Dad to call me (I told her I didn't want him to but she decided to ignore me!).

He has never explained why he thinks she is calculating (my definition of calculating is the same as yours by the way). DO you think I should ask him or just let it lie now?

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 16/03/2007 12:10

Let it lie! If my dad called my dd calculating I'd just put it down as one of his peculiarities, of which there are many, and not mention it.

He probably doesn't have the same definition as you. But this has already blown itself out of proportion so I'd let it go now and even, dare I say, apologise yourself for being a tad too sensitive. He'd probably apologise himself again and then you can laugh at it - hopefully!

Original poster

krib · 16/03/2007 12:12

Thanks Rhubarb, and I shall just say "arse" to the whole thing which makes me feel a lot better

OP posts:

Rhubarb · 16/03/2007 12:13

arse!

could be worse you know, you could have my father to contend with!

danceswithaSPRINGinherstep · 16/03/2007 12:18

Actually I would have been p*ssed off too but it sounds like it has been dealt with so I think 'arse' have a lurverly cup of tea and then move on

robin3 · 16/03/2007 12:21

I'm with you Krib....I think Grandparents should keep their opinions to themselves. Personally I'm sick up to the back teeth of my parents views on my kids which are always made up of sweeping generalisations both good and bad. Stand your ground and make them consider what they say otherwise they may start to share their views with your children.

I still remember being hurt by my Granny who accused me of not drinking tea and coffee because I wanted to make a statement...think I was 7ish at the time...from that day on I really thought she disliked me! Your feelings and your kids do matter and if it's hurt you then you were right to tell them.

Original poster

krib · 16/03/2007 12:24

Thanks Robin

OP posts:

Eleusis · 16/03/2007 12:29

Hmmm calculating... perhaps he thinks she's a born mathematician. Or maybe she is just smarter than he is.

ThrowbackTo07 · 10/11/2022 23:44

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

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