To ask how you deal with an anxious partner

[BrainyBrawny]

Name change for this...

DP has been informed that they are showing high levels of anxiety, started attending CBT based workshops. This past week I screwed up in their opinion (and I'm starting to understand why they feel this) and told some very close family members what was happening because it's been taking its toll on me and I needed someone to talk to. They told me that I have betrayed trust and that I am now the cause of most of their anxiety, yesterday this all culminated in a hefty row where they told me that they hated me, called me a vast amount of expletives, told me they will never trust me again and we have now not spoken other than to discuss our son's wellbeing for the past 4 days.

I honestly don't know what to do, I feel so out of my depth and exhausted with knowing how to manage or cope with this. For reference this behaviour is not normal for them at all and I know in my rational self that they didn't mean the things that were said, but equally to be told that you are hated is not the easiest thing to move past and I feel now that I'm stuck in this awful limbo of desperately wanting to be close to them and support them, but I'm still so sore about what was said, and being a little bit hard headed which I know is utterly bloody ridiculous and I'm cross with myself for being like it.

I'm also worried that our son is picking up on this, he's 2.5 and keeps asking what's the matter, is getting upset at bed time as we aren't putting him to bed together etc.

I suppose this is a bit of a whinge alongside advice seeking, I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to educate myself but a lot of what I am reading is contradictory in the 'tips'. I'm just lost and don't know where to start.

TIA for any words of wisdom

Hilda I think your comment was unnecessarily nasty. OP is doing everything she can to support her partner but it's unreasonable to expect her to just cope on her own without any support. And I say that as someone with severe anxiety!

I am the anxious partner in my marriage.
I'm also carer for my two highly anxious autistic boys, which perhaps gives me a different perspective to how my dh feels.
I fully understand the need to be able to talk to someone about it, and personally if I couldn't offload occasionally I wouldn't be coping with things at all. The couple of people I do talk to though understand that there's a need for confidentiality, so it doesn't become the subject of malicious gossip.
I'm sure dh talks to his friend about me, life can be hard, I'm sure I can be very frustrating and difficult to be with sometimes, and I don't think I can expect dh to not talk about it at all.
I appreciate the support he gives, and I appreciate that he needs a break from things sometimes, just like I do when it comes to supporting the boys.

I am the anxious partner in my marriage.
I'm also carer for my two highly anxious autistic boys, which perhaps gives me a different perspective to how my dh feels.
I fully understand the need to be able to talk to someone about it, and personally if I couldn't offload occasionally I wouldn't be coping with things at all. The couple of people I do talk to though understand that there's a need for confidentiality, so it doesn't become the subject of malicious gossip.
I'm sure dh talks to his friend about me, life can be hard, I'm sure I can be very frustrating and difficult to be with sometimes, and I don't think I can expect dh to not talk about it at all.
I appreciate the support he gives, and I appreciate that he needs a break from things sometimes, just like I do when it comes to supporting the boys.

Hilda - I kept stum about my DP's depression for about 3 years, never told a soul. He denied he even had a problem. Nearly killed me, certainly fucked with my mental health. I realised things had to change when I needed treatment and that I was being being treated for his depression, which he continued to deny.

It is not possible to live in that type of pressure cooker / walking on egg shells situation and not seek support. The OP is not seeking support for her partner, she's seeking support for herself so she can support him. Its not just his story, its hers as well and therefore its her's to share.

I told my parents, and just that sharing was of great help to me. They did not broadcast the situation to the whole world and there is no reason to thing that the OP's family have done so.

Hilda - I suggest you walk a mile in mine or OP's shoes before coming out with such ill-informed drivel
OP - seek support from who ever you think will help - it's your story too

It's hard because I can see both sides... Why at this fragile point in his recovery he would rather others didn't know about his therapy and also why you would need support too.

You can't go back and change it but I would recognise how he must feel about others knowing something so private about him whilst explaining you did it because you are struggling too.

Having anxiety comes with some feelings of failure and knowing other people know you are having therapy would make someone extremely anxious. How did he find out? Did they start talking to him about it?

Anxiety can rear it's head in a number of ways including a row. People use all sorts of defence mechanisms when they are anxious.

Well, Hilda you don't mince your words do you? I understand some of what you are saying however I spoke to my mother and stepfather about it, they are neither gossips and they certainly won't address it with them without my DP making the first move. As many others have said I needed some support, without it I'm not sure I could get through this.

In relation to everyone else, thank you for your support it's been so relieving in a way reading the messages and knowing that whilst this may not be our normal lives there are people and families that are able to manage it and continue with life, your words have meant so much to me.

I did a lot of reading and very little sleeping last night then I wrote a long email this morning to my DP and got a reply later in the day, we are both home now and have had a cuddle which is at least a start, once DS is in bed I'm hoping we can talk a little tonight and start slowly to rebuild over the coming weeks. I know it's not the end, it's barely even the beginning of it but you gotta keep hope 'ey?
Thanks to you all, have a peaceful weekend

Good luck Brawny.Hilda has no idea what she is talking about. Just how do I explain to family/close friends why DP has been off work for weeks?? I did not tell our close friends but then DP expressed surprise that I had not !I am going on a much needed holiday with family .DP does not want to come. I know I will spend a week worrying he is ok. I have had to discuss with his adult kids/sister (they knew about his condition) so they can check on him.

We are, I hope, starting to come out the other side if this now after an extremely difficult couple of years. Hang in there and continue to get support from your parents - you absolutely cannot do this alone. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.