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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Naming a child after a parent

58 replies

OVienna · 18/05/2017 16:23

Just to be clear - I mean a living parent as opposed to honouring someone who had passed away. And I mean first name (pretty much.)

I think of this as relatively rare in the UK and to express dissatisfaction that it didn't happen to be quiet self-centred/obnoxious/possibly borderline narcissistic.

AIBU? Or is it sort of normal for grandparents to hope this might happen.

I can see being a bit cross if the other grandparents' names were chosen, but that is not the case here.

OP posts:

glitterglitters · 18/05/2017 17:45

My brother is named after my dad but uses his middle name.

My middle name is my mums.

My dsis is jealous because they named her after a random place in the Middle East and she hates it 🙊😂

I didn't even know my brother's real name till I was 20 😂😂😂😂

glitterglitters · 18/05/2017 17:46

I considered naming children after our parents but it felt a bit like having to choose favourites or it'd get it of hand.

Original poster

OVienna · 18/05/2017 17:56

Not MIL! DM. Yes there is a backstory! I was also in trouble for not inviting her to attend the birth. I am adopted and I was reminded she missed out on that.

THat passed and has never been mentioned again.

I actually didn't know until last night she'd been stewing for years about the name though.

I cannot always tell how much of what is asked of me is 'normal' and lots of other people experience and how much is unreasonable/out of the ordinary.

Sorry not to be more interesting - the OP would probably be the longest in history.

OP posts:

Original poster

OVienna · 18/05/2017 17:57

I considered naming children after our parents but it felt a bit like having to choose favourites or it'd get it of hand.

And this is true too, for anyone (even those w/o a backstory.)

OP posts:

CruCru · 18/05/2017 18:02

When my Mum was pregnant with me, her MIL kept saying "Well, my mother's name was Anne, you know" while looking at her expectantly. Apparently she was really quite cross when my parents didn't name me Anne.

SandyBells · 18/05/2017 18:03

Ds is named after deceased FIL. All the eldest boys are named that way according to their family tradition. I'm not enamoured with it to be honest, although DS is now the one and only [name] for me. :)

FWIW, DH was open to breaking the tradition if we found another name we both loved, but we struggled.

Narcissistic? Not sure, but IME it tends to be boys names being named after patriarchs rather than female names being 'passed down'.

glitterglitters · 18/05/2017 18:06

Haha @CruCru my mil wanted to name my dh Llewelyn but she named him after a name her parents wish they'd been able to use.

She keeps hinting at me oooh isn't Llewelyn nice

Crumbs1 · 18/05/2017 19:08

All boys on our extended family are given the family name (from my husband's side) as one of their middle names. Tradition is nice sometimes and they really like it now.
My first son has my dead father's name as his middle name. We liked the name anyway and it seemed like a nice gesture for my mother.

NotYoda · 18/05/2017 19:23

So it sounds like the birth of your child has brought up lots of her own insecurity. Tricky.

NotYoda · 18/05/2017 19:26

.... to add.: it's not unusual for the birth of babies to bring up stuff from our pasts, , but it's a lot more complicated because you are adopted. I suspect. It's not reasonable for her to make you feel bad, so that is the crux of the problem

MadisonAvenue · 18/05/2017 19:39

My husband is named after his father, although my father in law was known by a derivative of the name.

My name is usually shortened to a masculine name, it's what everyone (apart from my sister in law) calls me. When our youngest son was born we struggled with naming him and the only name which suited him was the shortened version of my name. I resisted calling him that but there was absolutely nothing else worked so that's his name. 17 years on I don't regret it, apart from when my husband shouts the name and we both come running.

My mother in law wanted him naming after my father in law, as he'd died while I was pregnant, but the name he was known by was very much over used at that time.

NotYoda · 18/05/2017 19:44

People don't seem to be responding to the OP, who has a very particular situation

Original poster

OVienna · 18/05/2017 19:49

notyoda
Thank you for your posts and I am sure you are right. I am interested to hear other people's experience as well -that's ok. With some of the situations I have experienced (such as the name issue) I am not sure how much weight to give the adoption angle.

Didn't want to not reply- I'll post more later.

OP posts:

SadieTheNurse · 18/05/2017 19:50

I think in some families its just tradition for instance to name first born boy james or whatever

In some families its narcissistic!

SparklesandBangs · 18/05/2017 19:54

My FIL hails from Scotland and there were 2 family names on the male side. Both have made it through to my generation, although from 2 quite far branches of the family. I don't think either have reached my DC generation.

My names are mine, my DS and DB both have family names. My eldest DD has 1 close family name, and both her and DD2 have traditional names that can be found on our (and most other English) family trees. MIL thinks we picked them specially, but we didn't.

All my DBro DC have family names from the last 3 generations.

We are obviously boring, although DSIL has picked all non family names for her many DC, but has used the same initial letter.

Andrewofgg · 18/05/2017 21:07

Does it matter? Where it's a custom it's a very harmless one.

FWIW Jewish custom is never to give a child the name of a living relation within a fairly wide circle. A Jewish man who has his father's name is almost certainly a posthumous child.

Original poster

OVienna · 18/05/2017 21:15

It matters if there is pressure or guilt attached to the expectation.

OP posts:

JsOtherHalf · 18/05/2017 21:23

DS has a family name from my side of the family; it goes back generations. It isn't his first name though.

TeenAndTween · 18/05/2017 22:01

I think the adoption could be relevant here.
I am insecure regarding how my ADs will feel about me when they are grown up. One of them naming their child after me would be extremely precious and touching (though I wouldn't 'expect' it). Whereas, if they were to name their child after a birth parent I would rightly or wrongly feel quite rejected. Could something similar be happening with your DM?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 18/05/2017 22:12

It depends really.

Both DM and MIL hated their own names and I/we were forbidden from using any of them - even though they had some pretty middle names. None of the female names could be masculinised.

My eldest was named vaguely after my father. Or rather we commonly use a pet name, say 'Jim' and everyone assumed for 80 years my father was James and he wasn't. But as James was infinitely nicer than my fathers real given name, eldest son was named James but called Jim , IYSWIM. FIL didn't get a look in - he had an awful name!

As I prefer standard names, they do crop up with a fair regularity now that I've started tracing the family tree, but it's to be expected as they are either biblical origin or British kings names.

user1493759849 · 18/05/2017 22:15

My husband (way back in the 90's,) wanted our daughter's middle name to be a tribute to his (recently deceased) mother. It was Pauline.

We had picked a very pretty girl's name for her Christian name. I really didn't want my first child to have the middle name Pauline.

(No offence intended to the Paulines out there.)

When I was a lot younger, it was very common for sons to be named after fathers..... As someone said earlier, not so much daughters after mothers.

SuperBeagle · 18/05/2017 22:17

DD1 has my mum's name as her middle name, but she had no idea that we were going to do that, and she was surprised that we did because I don't particularly like the name My mum's the best.

If someone pressured me to name my child after them, I'd not do it.

MatildaTheCat · 18/05/2017 22:33

My dad was named after his dad and then forever known by his middle name. When my ds1 was born I used that first name as his middle name ( I both liked it and thought it nice to continue the family name). Dad just looked bemused. TBH since he'd literally never been called by his first name I think it meant little to him.

My friend used a name from her inlaws side for her dds middle name...after it was made official her mil abnnounced that said person was a black sheep of the family and a ne'er do well through and through.

Names are fraught. Nice to maintain tradition but only if you love the name and someone isn't consigned to a life known as 'Young Brian'.

loopyloulabelle · 18/05/2017 23:31

I wasn't lobbied but chose to name dc2 after my parents. Because they are fucking awesome!
We didn't know the sex in advance... so if it was a girl she would be named after my mum and if it was a boy, my dad.
We had a little girl and my mum is so proud to have her named after her!

Original poster

OVienna · 19/05/2017 07:52

So I guess my relative's feelings can be summed up by saying that the fact we didn't do it means we don't think she's "fucking awesome." In reality our decision was nothing personal to her at all!

I suppose what I meant by introducing the narcissistic angle is if someone puts themselves at the centre of someone else's life events consistently / is that an example of it?

I am wondering if this would be better in the relationships board...

OP posts:

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