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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to adult ds?

43 replies

missyB1 · 17/05/2017 12:10

Could do with some opinions on this please folks as its making me quite stressed and i need to give him an answer.Bear with me will try not to be too long winded!

So hes 22 and living at the other end of the Country working full time living independently, so far so good. He has decided that he wants to go to Uni to do a specific healthcare profession course but as he doesn't have A levels would need to do a foundation year as well, so 4 years study in total. Problem being he cant get a student loan for the foundation year so wants to borrow from a private student finance company (they get very mixed reviews) and would need me or DH to be the guarantor for the loan. I feel distinctly uneasy about this, as it seems to be a very sudden idea of his and he wants to start in September! It all feels a bit rushed, first i heard of it was last week! What he does with his life is up to him obviously and i dont think its a bad idea in itself, but the loan aspect is worrying me and frankly i dont want to be the guarantor for something im not convinced hes thought through properly. He also wants to come back home and live for this summer and every summer until he finishes the degree, its hard having an adult child back in the house, we've done it before with his brother and it was stressful! Dh (not ds father but has always supported him financially) is very concerned about the whole thing too.
I am inclined to say to ds that we will not agree for this year, but if he stays in his job and saves hard over the next year to show his commitment, we will be much more prepared to support him in any way he needs.
Hes going to be angry with me and will see it as me being mean I know he will. I'm dreading the conversation, so i need to ask Aibu?

OP posts:

Goodasgoldilox · 17/05/2017 12:51

On him coming back home to live... didn't the poet Robert Frost say something like, 'home is the place where when you have to go there, they have to let you in'? Set up ground-rules you can live with make a sort of contract.

On supporting a course. I think that you have to be fair. So if you have supported one brother - the other should also have this. ( Very small differences can create very large resentments that last long into life.)

However - if he has started and failed a previous attempt at this and you supported him then - it is perfectly reasonable to ask him to wait and save for a year. You can say 'yes' - but also give him time to change his mind!

My own brother did something like this. My parents supported him for his first year at uni - he dropped out and decided to start another course. They said that they would support him for years 2 and 3 but he would have to work and save up to do the new year 1. He did - and started when he was mature enough to make the most of it.

PigletJohn · 17/05/2017 12:52

so he's 22 and working full time. How much of his own money has he saved up, I wonder?

I would be very reluctant to give money for a first-year to a person who's previously had a first-year loan and dropped out. If they could manage the first year on their own I would be much more inclined to help with subsequent years.

Being a loan guarantor is the same as giving money. You just don't know when (or if) your cheque will be cashed.

musicposy · 17/05/2017 12:54

Once he's 24 he can get an advanced learning loan for A levels. I think there might be some funding for 19-23 year olds too, if they haven't got a full level 3 qualification (I'm assuming not or he could use it for uni). Worth looking into those things as a much less risky path - and one which would show commitment before taking out a really massive loan.

PeachyPip · 17/05/2017 12:58

Is he absolutely sure he can't do the degree with an intergrated foundation year and then for it to be eligible for the student loan?

I'd probably act as a gaurantor in this case to be honest. If he defaults then you can knock it off the inheritance . I think he is old enough to know what he is doing.

Tricky though.

DerelictWreck · 17/05/2017 13:00

I would look into his claim that he can't get a student loan for the foundation year, as that's the first time I've heard this and know plenty of people who did their foundation years followed by their BA or BSC with a full loan. Check out the criteria here www.gov.uk/student-finance/who-qualifies

Original poster

missyB1 · 17/05/2017 13:06

Yes previous student loans which is apparently why he can't get one for the foundation year. His previous uni course was a diploma rather than degree which he didn't finish.

I mentioned access course to him but he didn't seem to know what I was talk about and was fixated on the foundation year as "the only way".
I am now meeting up with him on Saturday to talk it through, it will not be a comfortable conversation, sigh...

OP posts:

puddingpen · 17/05/2017 13:06

When I was a student I could never get over my fellow students who were not welcome back in their family home for the summer holidays. I am still very close to my parents and they were very happy to have me back for the summers and did not charge me any rent as it was a way they could easily help me out financially. I totally understand your trepidation about the loan, but it makes me very sad to think he would not be welcome to stay with you for the summer. I would hate to be either the parent or the child in that situation.

Wormulonian · 17/05/2017 13:07

I would also concur with others that he should check that the Uni would make him do the Foundation year. My 21 year old started Uni this year - her A level grades are lower than the published entry requirements - she thought she would have to do the foundation year but didn't (she did have to go and show her face and have a 10 minute chat with the course leader)

gillybeanz · 17/05/2017 13:13

I couldn't do it for one and not another of my dc.
Mine is still at home at 22, one left at 18, they are all different.
As much as you want them to be independant, sometimes they need your help to move forward and if it gives them a better career and happiness I think you should do what you can to support them in this.

witsender · 17/05/2017 13:34

Tbh, I would offer him a free home for a year to save to start next year. Supportive and fair

DerelictWreck · 17/05/2017 14:38

@missyB1 Ah I see, hadn't clocked that his previous course was a university one.

But if that's the case, then he won't be able to get a student loan for any of this new degree, not just the foundation part which he's asking you to guarantee a loan for.

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 14:47

DerelictWreck that doesn't always go for HCP degrees, nursing for one I know you can get loans even if you have a degree, well you could a couple of years ago but I know it is always changing.

DerelictWreck · 17/05/2017 15:09

But @grannytomine, I believe you can only get a healthcare degree loan if you have a previous degree? But it sounds like the OP's son didn't finish his previous course, so doesn't have a degree already and so won't qualify?

londonfeather · 17/05/2017 15:18

If he already has a student loan for an incomplete course he won't be able to get another for this new course I don't think

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 15:44

DerelictWreck, I thought it was if you had previous finance? If he only did a year you can get finance anyway, I know a few of my kids' friends who started one degree, dropped out and did another but there is a maximum number of years but it doesn't count if it is HCP course. Well that was how it used to work. Thinking about it a friend of my daughters did the first year 3 times, changed course and then changed uni. I think he got finance.

DerelictWreck · 17/05/2017 16:03

Grannytomine - Not completely sure tbh, just going off the guidance for criteria on here www.gov.uk/student-finance/who-qualifies which says you can only have finance if it's your first degree, except for health courses where you can have finance if you have another degree, but OPs son doesn't seem to fit either criteria.

grannytomine · 17/05/2017 16:05

Probably good idea for him to check.

Original poster

missyB1 · 17/05/2017 16:31

Yes I do get the impression he hasn't done quite enough research into all this! Another reason why I'm inclined to say wait a year to sort it all out properly and make sure he's going the best way about it.

OP posts:

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