Catching up with a good friend (after a long time) and ended up offloading about the bad situation between DH and I. I was shocked when she said she thinks it may have been emotional neglect/domestic violence - I know she's looking out for me, and she even said she might be jumping to conclusions, but it has made me think. Feeling quite mixed up.
Things have been bad between DH and I since we started TTC. Got pregnant but then went through a very stressful time with prenatal diagnosis, ending in a termination. We then miscarried multiple Times. When I eventually got pregnant again and stayed pregnant, I had a very medicalised and difficult pregnancy with lots of bleeding, scans and interventions - I felt dreadful throughout and was off work for most of the pregnancy. The birth was also a terrible experience and I had intensive care for a period before a stay on the ward and eventually home, nearly 3 weeks later. I was shattered, emotionally and physically, and DH basically left me to it - both to recuperate and to look after a new born. As a 'coper' I just got on with it - I was ' on maternity leave' anyway. Until I couldn't cope, and months later basically broke down in tears and told him he had to help me. Things improved a little bit, but quickly slipped back and I found he took less and less initiative, would always have 'reasons' not to do things, and when he did wouldn't do a complete job. What I found most annoying about it was however, that he would behave totally differently/be extra helpful when people were around - as if their opinions mattered. At times it seemed like he made my life harder to be honest. Things continued until I went back to work - we talked before and because I work shifts, I told him things would need to change. He agreed and said himself that he'd need to 'do most of it'. Only that never happened. And things came to a head this weekend. We argued and to be honest, I told him I have a very hard time getting over how he has treated me over the last year, and how it deteriorated when I was on maternity leave (i honestly think he thought I was in some kind of holiday). He eventually apologised saying he was doing everything he thought he could do, and that we should be a partnership, and that all I do these days is get angry at him (true). I find the partnership thing a bit laughable - where was it last year!? And I find it hard to get past how he treated me - minimised my feelings, left me to struggle. I want to believe he will change (things are better than they were, but not great) but there's a big distance between us (that he doesn't notice/ignores) and I'm not sure I feel the same way about him anymore. I mean, after he treated me. I just don't know how to get past it? I suppose after all we'd been through I just expected more from him and can't get over not only how he has behaved, but also not even acknowledged accepted it.