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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect DH to take the DC to school when I'm ill?

49 replies

Alibubba · 16/05/2017 22:53

I'm very unwell at the moment and it's looking likely that I will be admitted to hospital tomorrow. The hospital is 30 miles from home and we have three children - two at school. He asked me to pack bags for them tonight so he can take them to stay at his mum's while I'm in hospital. His mum's is ten miles from the hospital. He is off work and says he wants to be there so they can all visit me.

However, I think it'd be much better for the DC to be at home and that there's no need for them to be missing school - which is what he intends if they stay at his mum's. I'd only be allowed two visitors at a time anyway so the other DC would he upset when it wasn't their turn and I'd rather just call them than have them see me ill in hospital as it'll worry them.

DH keeps insisting he wants to stay at his mum's so I don't feel abandoned but I think a big part of it is that he hasn't ever taken them to school or bed or anything and he'd rather have his mum to help. I understand that, but I think it's more settling for the DC to be at home and that now is as good a time as any to learn to cope. AIBU?

OP posts:

Pallisers · 17/05/2017 01:24

God almighty you have an incompetent stupid man there. Hope he has some good points because from your posts he is incapable of actual adult living.

There's nowhere at ours for his mum to stay. I just don't think he can see how he can possibly get the DC to bed at once but obviously I do. I think time alone would be good for them to get used to it.

Of course he should be able to deal on his own but equally of course there is room for MIL. She sleeps in your bed and he kips on the sofa or floor - the price you pay when you are inadequate at normal adult tasks by your own choice.

the children should not miss school because their father is inadequate.

Pallisers · 17/05/2017 01:25

while he stayed in bed until 8.30 'so he didn't wake the youngest...!'

ha ha. He stayed in bed because it suited him best.

I often want to ask women on these kinds of threads how on earth they possibly want to have sex with these men? Like seriously aren't they the biggest turn-off of all time?

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2017 01:28

The children will be more stressed and worried if they do not have school to absorb their time. Please do tell him if he takes the out of school he will pay for it in terms of diffiuclt and distressed behaviour both now and probably when you/he reintroduce them to school.

Agree with Pallisers "Of course he should be able to deal on his own but equally of course there is room for MIL. She sleeps in your bed and he kips on the sofa or floor - the price you pay when you are inadequate at normal adult tasks by your own choice."

In your shoes I would talk to his mum and arrange things with her, see what she thinks. Is she a driver, could she come over by day and safely go back at night (my inlaws don't drive n the dark)?

Want2bSupermum · 17/05/2017 01:29

Well no time like the present for him to figure it all out. Men always seem to look for the path of least resistance.

DH is now fully capable of looking after all 3DC because I left him to it. No one died, there were a few tears but they all made it.

fuffapster · 17/05/2017 06:31

OP it sounds like a difficult time for you and your family, and I hope you get better soon.

I would echo Italiangreyhound who makes a lot of sense.

And whatever happens in this immediate crisis, I really think your DH needs to get real and learn how to be responsible for his own family.

The idea that you are very unwell and probably need hospitalisation, and he asks you to pack the children's suitcases is ridiculous!

Bananamanfan · 17/05/2017 06:46

Sorry you're ill, op.
Your dh sounds a lot like my exH. Him having no involvement with our ds & having to get his mum involved if ever he did have to interact with ds was actually the least of my worries. How does your dh treat you otherwise? How old were you when you got together?

bigmouthstrikesagain · 17/05/2017 06:47

aFirst I am really sorry you are so ill op.

Obviously your dh needs to step up. I was hospitalised with pneumonia a few years ago. The children were all under 8 at the time so couldn't visit me in the ward anyway. Dh just had to manage and he did. We had loads of offers to help from friends. The children generally know what's meant to happen and depending on their age can help as well. Your family should rally round.

Let your eh know how much you appreciate his support in keeping things 'normal' the schools will not accept your illness as a reason to miss school so he has no choice but to step up. He will find help.

I hope you get the rest and medical support that you need in hospital. Take lots of audio books and noise cancelling headphones if you can hospital wards can be noisy

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 07:15

I'm sorry you're so ill. And I hope you feel better soon. What he's suggesting really is is not ok.

If he's struggling to get them to bed, all bunk up together is one solution. I'm not saying it's the solution. His mother can have one of the bedrooms and a bed and bring a mattress on the floor for the eldest or something. Him with 2 in the bed, settling them and eldest can come to bed by themselves at x time. Frankly where there's a will there's a way.

As for routine, he will have to muddle through unless you have the energy to make a list. Can't the eldest write down packed lunch list and help prepare?

I really hope you told him to step up.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 17/05/2017 08:06

Huge hugs OP I have been in your shoes several times, the first time was when D's was a little under two and I was hospitalised for six weeks before our daughter was born. My dh went between his Mother's and my Mother's. In the end he had taken completely over caring for our little boy and it did wonders for their relationship.

The next time our little girl was two and ds four, both were used to me and my Mum more because my dh worked away a LOT. My in-laws were abroad but my Mum came to stay at our house, she slept in my bed with dd and dh slept with ds in ds room. I'm so glad she came out as I was in hospital for two weeks and during the first week both children came down with noravirus! My Dad and brothers visited me in hospital and Dad did my washing.

The last few times I have been hospitalised my dh has looked after our DC on his own. Dd really struggles when I'm in hospital so dh and ds spent most of their time trying to cheer her up (dd is now 7 and ds is 9), its not the normal routine but they were all fed, clothed and dd made it to school albeit with extra treats and ice cream in her belly!

How old are your DC? I have found that my dd is most upset when she is not occupied, so school and playing with her friends is better for her. Although my dh did have to let school know what was going on so they could keep an eye on her. Ds is home schooled so dh kept to his normal routine (he has ASD) which was more reassuring for him. I would ask MIL if she could come stay with your dh at your house. If this is the first time your dh has had your DC on his own overnight then an extra pair of hands will help. Do you have family/ friends who can visit you in hospital/ wash your clothes for you whilst you are in? I hope that you don't have to stay in hospital for too long and that you are feeling much better soon.

Original poster

Alibubba · 17/05/2017 12:47

Again today, he was in bed until 8.40

I'm not bothered him or anyone coming to visit, I just want to get sorted and get out and for the DCs to have as much normality as possible in the meantime. Plus we have a dog that can't stay at his mum's so he needs taking care of. When I mentioned this DH said he'd get his friend to pop in!

OP posts:

TiredMumToTwo · 17/05/2017 12:52

I literally can't believe your DH is so useless, how did you manage to get to DC number 3 & he still can't handle them?!!

Dragongirl10 · 17/05/2017 13:03

Oh op this is trully shocking behavior by your DH.....unbelievably selfish not to mention childish!

Please do not take you children out of school, that is plain wrong and unecessary, they will be much happier in the normal routine.

For now TELL him to pack XYZ, and do anything else that is necessary....spend your time writing a routine out whilst putting your feet up...

TELL him the Dc will stay at home and go to school, you will write an instruction list for organisational purposes.

TELL him he will look after the dog.

TELL him when you come out of hospital he will be responsible for everything until x date when you will be fully recovered.

IT is well overdue to put your foot down. Don't ask for help or discuss
just tell him in no uncertain terms what he is to do...if he wants to behave like a toddler treat him like one.

I hope your operation goes well op , the very best of luck to you.Sorry you are having a tough time . DH should be looking after you .

Afterwards you may want to rethink whether you want to be married to such a selfish manchild.

Dianneabbottsmathsteacher · 17/05/2017 13:06

I honestly don't know what to say op. He's a lazy useless bastard and why are you with him?

Feel for you but think the best advice was from italian

OutToGetYou · 17/05/2017 13:15

I think "oh piss off" would have been the correct response to him asking you to pack for them.
And when you're better it's step up or piss off for good.

Dodie66 · 17/05/2017 13:30

Hope all goes well OP. I read your other post x

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2017 14:23

Can't you tell him his alarm is going off at 7 and he needs to get up
And take the kids to school?

halcyondays · 17/05/2017 14:28

He is off work, you are very ill and he's asked you to pack bags so they can stay at his mums and miss school?!? He should be taking them to school, putting them to bed and everything in between, just as you would no doubt be doing if he was in hospital.

halcyondays · 17/05/2017 14:34

If he didn't have his mum to palm them off on to, he would have no option but to get on with it. If I had a grown up son who called me over because he didn't how to look after his own kids for a few hours, I'd be telling him it was high time he learnt.

Butterymuffin · 17/05/2017 15:07

This is going to sound harsh, but why on earth didn't you tell him to get up and try to be useful? Why leave him in bed? You need to call him on this, because while it's on him that he's a lazy bastard, it's on you that you that you're letting it continue now you've realised how ridiculous it is.

Original poster

Alibubba · 17/05/2017 22:55

Thankfully I didn't have to stay in in the end.

I didn't get him up because he'd just stand around drinking coffee while I rushed around which would wind me up more. Hopefully I will be on the mend now and this can be addressed. I have spoken to him before about being ineffective but nothing has changed. This morning our 2 year old had a box of toy bricks and threw one. He told her not to and she tipped the box over and scrambled them all over the floor. He told her she'd be picking them all up. Then picked them all up himself...! A few minutes later she's throwing something else around and he's chasing her around picking it up. He doesn't react until something starts going wrong and then doesn't follow up anything he says. It's easier to do it myself, which shouldn't be the case.

OP posts:

LadyPenelope67 · 17/05/2017 23:11

Glad you didn't have to go into hospital Alibubba, but presumably you're still not 100%. Please don't risk your health further by running around doing things that DH could do...perhaps not to your standards, but try to close your eyes and ears and just let him get on with it! I hope you get well soon and that DH finds the zip for his mansuit

WanderingTrolley1 · 17/05/2017 23:14

Your DH is a drip.

Fruitcorner123 · 17/05/2017 23:19

I feel sorry for you with that DH op. I couldn't stand it! You are enabling him by doing everything though and you're not teaching your DCs a very good lesson about relationships, role of females/males etc. You both really need to address this. It's sounds like you are literally doing everything for your family with no support.

timeisnotaline · 17/05/2017 23:21

Op 'I am unwell. You need to try and be supportive. This doesn't mean visiting me. It means looking after our children and getting them to school like children should be. I don't care how you do it. You can sleep on the floor and your mum have the bed. When I back home you can give me the sleep-ins and feed the children breakfast so I can recover. And buy me a fucking huge bunch of flowers with a massive card in it that says Dear X. I love you very much. You do a wonderful job with our children, while I am a grown man who can't get them up bed without help from my mum. They are my children too so from here on I am going to do some actual parenting. I will start by taking them to school once a week and do dinner and bed once a week and talk to you about next steps to being an actual parent. '

But you won't. I do hope you get better though.

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