What were the red flags you missed?

[ferriswheel]

I'm purposefully not posting in relationships because its late on a Saturday night and I'm in need of your wisdom. My stbxh moves out this week leaving me on my own with three very young children.

Whilst it is clear to me my marriage has to be over I can't stop going over and over and over and over how it was when it was good, and how much he changed when we became parents.

I guess there were red flags at the start. I just don't understand why I didn't flag them up.

1. He played computer games too, too much.

1. He didn't take days off work.

1. He always chose what we watched on tele.

Go and make me feel better. Wgat were yours?

Wow. Its actually really sad reading all of this. I can relate to so many of your red flags. Especially that future faking thing.

How long do you reckon it takes you to get over horror like this?

Overly nice
False smile
Said caring things but not genuine eg ahhh, are you tired? in a sickly sweet voice
Looked in the mirror and said things like, you're so handsome - thought he was god's gift
Kept saying how people at work told him what a lovely smile he had and he was always laughing but in time I found he was an angry quite nasty man
Never wanted to go anywhere. I thought he was being kind staying in with me with the kids but on the rare occasion I arranged for us to go out he would sabotage it eg start an argument or we would come home after one drink as he didn't like the place I suggested. Think it was a control thing as he wanted To be in the house just the two of us
Made a big show of offering to have the kids for me to go out once. Called me back in a panic after one hour saying they were playing him up. When I cut my evening short and came home, they were in bed asleep (I had put them to bed before I went out.) Later he said, I can't believe you actually went.
Over the top offers of helping me out but actually very lazy. He said he would fix a minor thing for me while I was at work and he was in my house for a whole day and when I got back he hadn't done it and acted like it had never been mentioned. But once he got me something I didn't really want and made a big show of going out of his way to get it then presenting it to me in front of his mother
When I was at work and he had a day off, he would literally do nothing all day, and I mean nothing, just sit on the settee waiting for me to come home. He had no hobbies or interest in anything. If I said lets go for a walk, he would walk around the kitchen, he didn't go to the gym or exercise as he didn't need to. It was like his whole life revolved around me from the minute I met him. I used to think. What did he do before me? He had one friend who he fell out with and his adult children didn't keep in touch with him although he made out he was dad of the year.
Always checking up on me. Even turned up on my doorstep with his elderly mother once, 30 miles out of his way, saying he needed the toilet
Driving past my house early in the morning to check if my car was on the drive then making up a story about why he was in the area even though he lived 30 miles away
If I had arranged to meet a friend, he would text me saying he was on his own in the area if I wanted to join him so I would feel guilty and cut my meeting short
Hated it when I had builders in my house and would come straight to my house after work to check they had gone and if they had he would drive 30 miles straight back home
He thought he was amazing
All controlling behaviours really looking back
Turned really nasty when I ended it. Tears, begging, pleading, suicide attempt (well that's what he said) then nasty threats when he knew I wasn't going to change my mind
It's put me off for life really.

Hmmm. I got over the break up reasonably quickly - as I said upthread, there was a huge sense of relief afterwards which meant I knew without doubt it was the right thing to do. Luckily I had a new job to focus on which helped a lot. My follow on relationship I purposely kept casual until I was sure. It was 4 months until we decided to make the fact we were dating official. I get angry when I remember how I was treated and gaslighted but it underscores how lucky I am to be in a good relationship now and I know I'd rather be happy and single then in a bad relationship so it's made me a bit stronger and a bit more aware of how easy it is for some people to treat their partners as less than/objects.

Napoliforte and AntiGrinch thankyou x

I should have run for the hills the first time I heard him refer to his mother as stupid and his sister as a slut. All I needed to know about his attitude to women was right there.

I had an oxygen thief a father who was physically abusive and a stepfather that is emotionally abusive so I think that's made me very well tuned to red flags but here are some that a friend missed in a couple of relationships:

• DP off work with depression and claiming sick money whilst actually having recovered and hosting parties (basically he was lying)

• Had an ex-GF who was a 'psycho' (always a massive red flag, they usually made the ex-GF that way through their mind fucks)

• Encouraged her to move in with him after four weeks despite the fact that he wasn't working and so she would need to cover most of the bills

• Very early in relationship commenting on other women's bodies...started with women on the TV, moved on to saying how nice her closest friend's arse was

• Belittling her and her weight

• Deciding that the temperature of the house had to be 16 degrees and not allowing her to change it, even though she paid the bills

• Early on in the relationship going on and on about having a threesome with her and a friend even though she'd said quite clearly she wasn't interested

• Standing her up and 'ghosting' her on a third date (this DP did this on and off and cheated on her various times over six years, every time she took him back)

My friend is a successful, independent, intelligent woman with a responsible job and a great support network. But she mostly ends up in relationships with shit men (I believe because she ignores the red flags).

I really enjoy learning new languages and pick them up quickly. I was very good at Spanish and I moved to a new school where they didn't have Spanish on the curriculum so the headteacher very kindly arranged for me to do Spanish at a neighbouring school, which was all fine until a year later when dickhead ex's parents told the school that ex was good at Spanish too so he ended up joining me and totally sucked out all the joy of learning Spanish for me.

God, so many.
Calling me a whore because I had given someone a blow Job in my life before meeting him.

Never lifting a finger around the house ever.

Treating me like an unpaid Nanny for his daughter.

Throwing a plate of Chinese (that O had bought him) at me, and telling me I was a selfish, stupid moron because I had plated it up wrong.

Getting into a row with my friends every single time we went out and then telling me I would be disloyal to keep seeing them after the way they had treated them - he did this with every friend and gave me such a bad time that I eventually just stopped seeing anybody because it wasn't worth it.
Same story with my family.

Ok and on and on. That stuff was worse than the physical stuff. That's the stuff that makes every day hell.

Sending me a huge padded Birthday card (do they still make those?) only weeks after we met.

Grabbing a friend by the neck after the friend had accidentally threw a football that knocked off his glasses.

Dear reader I dumped him. Never regretted it.