To have ended this friendship

[alicethroughtheginglass]

I've nc, regular on here and pretty sure the person I'm about to talk about is on here too hence the nc.

I had a friend who I had been friends with for around 8 years, there's been a few issues over the last few years that has made me question our friendship.

Recently my mum passed away and throughout we have been in a group message with a few others. All knew about mum and her illness, she found out she was expecting (lovely news) this was around the time mum was diagnosed as terminal.

Fast forward to mums last few days, I had been in contact with friends and all knew that I was at the hospital from very early am until late pm with mum. The day before mum died whilst I was sat holding her hand talking to my now unresponsive mum my phone pings, friend had sent me a photo of a baby scan and lots of how exciting look at my baby messages.

I found this very insensitive and nicely asked if they could set up a new group message without me in it as my phone was inundated and I couldn't remove myself. Friend replied 'no problem'

From the day my mum passed she wasn't there for me and I get that to a point, she was 12 weeks pregnant and excited and I would never have wanted to dampen her happiness, however her mum had died and out of all my friends I thought she would get it.

She never called me, she sent me a Facebook message to say call me when you're ready to meet up. Nothing asking how I was, nothing.

There is a back story which is long but mainly to do with her being an unreliable friend and treating me as if I were something on the bottom of her shoe whilst in company. I decided to cut all ties with her, a mutual friend of ours has sent me a really horrible message because I have decided I no longer want to be in touch with our friend .

My mum was my everything and I am struggling with her death, the last thing I need is this shit it all just seems so petty and meaningless. WIBU?

But she did congratulate her friend. She went for lunch too. No where has she said she isn't happy for her friend.

She is being incredibly insensitive to the OP who had literally just lost her mum.

So sorry for your loss, Alice.

YANBU.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm thinking of you

Sorry your friends have been so awful, some people don't know how to deal with someone who is grieving, yanbu

You would have been just as upset if she'd have left you out OP. Generally group messages between close friends are for the highs and lows. Unfortunately yours clashed at the same time. You were in your grief bubble and she was in her baby bubble. I don't think she was bu, she wanted to share her good news and she chose all of you to share it with. Parents pass on, unfortunately. Some earlier than others. It's just something you have to get through, normally on your own/with siblings and family. Friends tend to stay on the outside of the grief circle unless they knew the parent directly too.

I am sorry for your loss.

I also recently lost my mum, had some very long and difficult days beside her bed, also talking to her and holding her hand, and listened to her horrible breathing.

Though I could not cocoon myself in my grief, I have two children, and my husband was away, my sister flying across the planet to come to mums side too, but I just put my phone on silent night mode when I did not want to be disturbed.

At the same time, my phone was a godsend too, because I could get some space away from my situation and focus on other people a little.

We all react differently, and I would probably just have kept the phone on silent, and not responded in the group for the duration if I felt like you. I do wonder if you were both in very different stages in your lives, you with the end of a life for a loved one and she at the very beginning. She may have felt her news and her happiness could still have room in your life, and not realized you could not have their happiness imposed on you like this.

I think you might have overreacted, and I think you possibly could have handled it better. There are ways to ignore a phone without putting a dampener on other peoples high spirit and joy. Yes, they could probably have been there for you in a better way. Equally, you could have let them celebrate the scan without saying anything. You did not have to let your phone and events in your group disturb you. It was not up to them to handle your phone use, but you.

I am sorry if this seem harsh, but that is just my take on it. And like I said, we are all different.

The one thing I would say in this situation is feelings of heightened emotions on both sides, You with grief, your friend with hormones.

I think you need to talk to your friend about how you feel. She may feel she was doing the right thing with her been so happy felt you might not want her around..

I think this may be one of these misunderstandings..However I really don't know the back story here.

I am sorry for the loss of your mum though

Lifegavememelons, OP has recently lost her mother. Having recently lost my father, I find your post quite insensitive. All of it true but it is far too early for OP, after such a loss, to just accept it and get on with life.

My df was ill for a year and I have pretty much avoided going out socially with friends for the past 15 months. I have kept in contact via Facebook and fortunately they are giving me the space I need while remaining in contact.

I do have a weird situation with my dsil (dh's dsis) who has redently stopped talking to me with no explanation given as to why, despite me asking. I have given up trying to work out why as I honestly don't need this shit in my life. OP, I totally understand your need to cut this friend out of your life.

Shen might genuinely have thought some good news might help you. If she did she was wrong, but don't assume that her reasons were horrible. Ive been where you were very recently, it affects us all different ways. It's understandable, but I can see it from her point of view too.

But reading the background, I don't think you're going to miss her too much anyway.

Look at the bright side in Op's life? Her Mam passed on, not a pet goldfish. What brand of dog food are you on.
Drop your frenemies op, you need time and peace to process your grief. I am very sincerely sorry x

I am sorry for your loss OP I know how your feeling right now I lost my dnan in January I know that's not the same as losing your mum. You did the right thing giving you insensitive friend the heave ho I did the same thing with my dad's entire family because of how horrible and nasty they became. for you OP. Take care of yourself and forget about your so called friend.

Lifegavemelemons yes life does go on, but she should absolutely be allowed to grieve.

It's a bloody exaggeration to say she is running the risk of living a joyless life, all because of this situation.

From my understanding, her "friend" has made it all about her pregnancy and not once just offered to be there or asked how the OP is doing.

Life does go on but it's fucking cruel to say that to someone with days of losing a parent.

Some uneccesarily harsh responses to lifegavemewatermelons there...

I think she speaks a lot of sense, but OP may not be ready to hear it yet. Grief is a selfish bubble where you cant really take much else in.

OP, you say nicely asked if they could set up a new group message without me (.....) Friend replied 'no problem'

and

She never called me, she sent me a Facebook message to say call me when you're ready to meet up.

YOU asked them to set up a new group without you. They were probably mortified and did not know what to say. The friend in question left it in YOUR court, actually respecting your wishes to be left alone. They probably dont know how to handle it.

Lifegavemewatermelon is right that life goes on (but probably not yet).
I dont know how much bereavement you have experienced OP, but life has handed me lemons in many different forms, from my dads stroke, my mums dementia and then passing, two close friends have died from cancer in the last couple of years, and they were only in their forties. I am currently supporting another terminal friend, a young woman in her forties with 4 children between 4 and 15. You cant stop your life, it does go on, and I for one find that happy news makes it just a little bit more bearable.

Your friend probably gets your situation from HER perspective, maybe SHE found good news a relief, maybe SHE found normality of her friends lives a relief, maybe SHE acted like she would prefer others acted towards her when her own mum died. You just need different things, so I would not be so hard on her.

Also, dont cut off your friends just because they cant, or have no been able to, anticipate your needs. Be open and honest about how you feel. They may surprise you.

I'm sorry, Quint, but what about the nasty message from one of the other group members? How is that acceptable behaviour towards someone recently bereaved?

Nasty messages are never acceptable, regardless.
I did not address any of the issues that happened later much.
I think OP needs to focus on the root of the issue, from before it escalated, as her original falling out was over the pictures that came at a bad time for OP. It all sprung out of this. One friend going through a prolonged death, and another being pregnant. sadness and joy.

Op you just need to find a way forward. Either find a way to cut the entire group out of your life and move on because you feel you were badly wronged.
Or find a way to come to terms with what happened in the group dynamics at the time, and see i you can re-conciliate.

Dont let a group of internet strangers whip hatred (or love) into your heart, take your time, and follow your gut feeling.