to throw out items dh hoards?

[Diel]

My dh is a hoarder and I have thrown away itrms left lying around our home/garden as they are broken/unsightly/unused. Dh now can't bear to speak to me as I am so 'controlling' I have asked for years for him to sort his 'stuff' out as it impacts on us all but I have been ignored, or he manages to blame me in some way ie, I never allow him the time. However, he manages to find plenty of time to gather more items for his specific interest. Who is bu?

Thank you Laundretta, some really useful points. The environment is pretty much safe but it takes a constant battle. The secracy is upsetting and dh continues despite knowing that it upsets me greatly. Fh father has similar tendencies, although better organised, and I am concerned that one of my dc already shows a great interest in collecting things.

My FFIL I's like this. He has filled a four floor 6 bed victorian house with shite the only rooms my poor FMIL can live in is the back snug and her bedroom. My kids haven't been for years because I refuse to go. He also has a double storey garage at the bottom of their garden packed to the rafters and a 2nd silimiar house down the street that was supposed to be cleared out for us to rent from them.
It's ridiculous he also has 5 rusting cars parked in neighbours unused spaces.
I don't know how my FMIL has popped him off by now.
My old next door neighbour was also a hoarder I once knocked on her door it took 10 mom's of her yelling that she was coming to actually get to the door. She confessed she didn't have any space left. She had a square foot to stand in the hallway and a little room in front of a chair that she slept in the the living room. She used to wash in the sink in the kitchen by standing on things.
I heard a few years ago that no one had heard from her in 10 days so called the police and she'd passed away. She'd fallen over and basically suffocated. It took them almost a day to get to her. Its so awful how it takes over someone's life.

You are more than welcome

Have a plan B that is centred around an exit love. Just one trauma, not necessarily even a big one, can knock your defences back on their heels. The force of a sudden, increased urge to hoard can quickly shunt you from being Knackered, but Effective Guardian of the Front Door to feeling like a particular crap version of King Canute. There may come a time when you conclude your only reasonable option left is to make a swift retreat and it goes easier if all your ducks are in order, well in advance.

Sorry but I couldn't and wouldn't accept this way of living.

It's horrendous for children too as one they can normalise it and two they are too embarrassed to bring their friends home! Yes that lovely place they call home is not much better than a junk yard with beds.

32 tyres!

OP, you are a saint.

He needs to be the one to fix this. Can you get him to make a plan/timetable? Tell him a clear goal that you want (e.g clear garage), tell him you are willing to help & support him, but he needs to be the one to decide how & when to do it. That way you can't be seen as the nagging one. Could that work?

I understand the potential difficulties and I am not accepting it, hence the current situation. My dc all have lovely, organised bedrooms and living space is busy family tidy so no concerns there (all invite friends frequently) but the garden does impact on them and I believe may well be normalised because there is still room to play hang washing etc so you stop seeing the clutter so much.

Just dropping this link here.

childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/

Not sure if the yahoo group is still active, but the site is full of a perspective that tends not to get too much exposure.

It's worth a read because however this works out, your kids will likely always have a parent who is a hoarder. And age does tend to make the problem worse, so by the time they are adults it can be an issue of much larger proportions.

Forewarned is forearmed in terms of helping children cope and develop defences as they grow. Because via the hoarder's words, their own sense of impotence and the public's often rather unsympathic "I would NEVER let a parent of mine live like THAT ! Why don't you kids just DO SOMETHING.?" it is all too common for the children of hoarders to bind guilt, shame and self-blame to how they perceive themselves as they grow.

They are probably going to need a consistent and persistant parent informed, armed and ready to beat away the beast of them coming to see their parent's illness as their fault, their shame, their problem to resolve.

Thank you, will have a look this evening

Online, the reaction you have to the doorbell ringing or having people round socially is exactly what my DH does. We have stopped having groups of people round to socialise because he gets so stressed out and cleans the house to such a degree that it just isn't worth it. It all makes sense now as he says his mother is a hoarder and he grew up in a messy chaotic house that he was embarrassed to bring his friends to. She still lives in the house, in the same city as us, and I have NEVER been there. We have been together for 10 years.
Diel well done for maintaining a normal life for your DC and hopefully you can make progress with your DH and his hoard.

If you have 32 tyres around the place, unless you live on a property of several acres, you've done a lot of compromising already and, if you have allowed him to trash the garden like that, not been controlling either.

I'll be honest, I couldn't accept it. Especially not as there's evidently some kind of family tendency, be it nature, nurture or both, and one of your children is already starting to concern you.

The tyres must go. Call the council and ask where you can dispose of them. Tell them the problem. You can't just dump tyres anymore but I'd say they really must go.

@0nline I just wanted to say thank you for the clutter and squalor links. My DP has hoarding tendencies and we are both messy, but to my relief the very worst we ever get to is around the pictures that are number 2 in the clutter link. You have reassured me that we are not that bad!

OP, I come from a family of hoarders.

This is a mental health issue. You both need counselling to help him understand the impact of it on you and DC.

Hi Diel, how's things going?

Thanks for asking. We have arranged to see a couple's counsellor as a starting point and Dh has organised items in the garden better. Not got rid but they are neater. Believe it or not, 32 tyres when stacked don't look like 32. I was astonished when I counted them!

That's really good progress, well done to both of you!