To feel hurt that my DC's have been forgotten about.

[Eyerolling]

My father has remarried again in the past year. Whilst my DM was alive they rarely saw or wanted to see or spend time with my children, always making excuses that we lived too far away (20 mins drive), or my mum was unwell (suffered with anxiety) etc. I got used to this, never had the expectation that they would help with the children at all and we did it all ourselves.

DC's are now late teens, since my father remarried in private and without us being there (8 months) he's not seen them at all, I suspect this is at the instigation of his new wife who has a large family of their own. If I made arrangements to visit him he would make sure he was out, change plans at the last minute etc. All invitations to come to us were declined. Contact has become very sporadic as I took the attitude that I'd wait to see how it would be before he thought to pick the phone up to me and he hasn't. This is how he seems to want it, and I suspect its partly manipulation from the wife, whenever we have met she's been very cold and unwelcoming.
Christmas he sent a card with £10 each for the DC's. No other contact. The DC's text to thank him and he replied 'no problem'.

I now find out from extended family that him and his wife have been taking her grandchildren (babies) on short holidays, been looking after them for her daughter to work etc.

I feel like I've been kicked in the belly, really hurt and upset. My kids actually couldn't care less but I do. I know If i have it out with him it wont change anything and my kids don't actually want to see him anyway so there's no point. On the other hand its gnawing at me and I'll love to clear the air once and for all and give him a piece of my mind. WIBU to do this?

Maybe he is trying to appease his new wife. Honeymoon phase and all that.... who knows. The issue I think is for you to be at peace with reality because you may never have the type of relationship you want.

She was cool to us from the start, I got the impression that her life with my father was now a fresh start and his previous family weren't to be anything to do with their new set up. He was like a dog with two dicks and blithely did everything she wanted. We left him to it, after all she made him happy it seemed.

I think you need to accept that he won't change. Which is really really really hard (I speak from experience).

The hurt you feel might be transferred hurt from your childhood? Did he make you feel that his love was conditional when you were young? If that's what's inside this, the advice I got in a similar situation is to "inoculate" yourself against it - "that's just dad", and acknowledge the pain without expecting him to fix it, so it slowly stops hurting the core of you. That doesn't mean permitting his behaviour - you can also have really clear adult boundaries about what you will and won't accept.

As others have said the problem is that your father didn't interact with your family when your DM was alive. His new wife does interact with hers in a normal way. He follows his wife's lead and it has become a habit almost not to interact with yours.

Perhaps discuss with him that now Mum is no longer around and there are no longer the barriers as before perhaps you could spend some more time as a family.

His new wife may "seem" cold as she may not understand that the lack of contact is down to how your parents previously were - but just sees a daughter who doesn't contact her Dad which she doesn't understand. Maybe arrange to have a coffee with her and explain to her separately how you felt let down by your parents but hope now that she is around and clearly a more family oriented person that you can build bridges with Dad.

She uses the word "men" and there is much evidence to support what Fizzy says.

This is a place where we can discuss such things without the need to preface every sentence with NAMALT!

Anyway this isn't the place for your nasty derailing attempts Devorak - Off you trott

FizzyGreen makes a good point. My dad didn't seem to have a problem swapping us for his new family. I mean, he's a pleasant bloke on the surface, nice enough to us, we see him maybe 3 times a year and he sends the children money for Christmas/ birthdays, but my stepsisters are the 'real' family, they are the ones who are invited over, whose children are doted on etc. Stepmother calls the shots and my dad doesn't want to upset her so doesn't say anything when she is sniping at my 11 year old for something really minor or making digs about my parenting. It's hard, and it does hurt, so I understand where you're coming from. I'm trying to develop a thicker skin and just accept that we're not considered part of the family any more. I feel for you OP, at least my dad doesn't actively try to avoid us (but doesn't actively make an effort either).

OP

I'm often called an MRA or male apologist on MN, but she really can't be blamed here for your father's behaviour.

She could have prodded him in the right direction but that isn't her job. As long as she isn't actively holding him back then she is doing all that should be expected from her.

Do you also blame your mother for his lack of contact before he met his new wife?

Honeymoon phase imho
My mother "needed a man" she was nicer to be around when she was with someone. Perhaps you father "needs" a woman to lead him.

She's talking about an entire sex. There's a difference between saying something has been done by a man and suggesting or alluding to it being a common trait. Surely you know that

Of course, and she is CORRECT. Only 49% of non resident fathers have regular contact with their children. Less than half. Only 65% contribute financially.
This is not sexism, this is FACT.

I get that its easier (less hurtful) to blame his new wife but it's not fair or right to do so.

He's never been involved - your Mum didn't make it happen. His new wife is making it happen for her family. She's right to do so. Its his call about his family. You can tell him how you feel if it will help YOU, just don't expect him to change.

No, not at all - at least I don't think so to the bitter and you'd have to ask someone else who knows me about the nasty bit

But reading a lot of things on here, and real life experiences with friends, I think I've been damn lucky, sadly.

Why, what do you think? Are you honestly saying that from your knowledge of the world, when families split, it pretty much always works out that both parents stay engaged, loving, providing for the children?

I have personally seen that it's not usually the case. And I know more women who have full-time residence of their children because the dad simply buggered off (4) than I do where the family has split and the father has gone to court as he wished to share care or have more input than the mother wanted him to (2).

Currently supporting a friend whose seemingly loving husband upped and left about six months ago. In that time, he's phoned the children twice (he's gone abroad). Twice. They are 10 and 5. She has a couple of well-meaning folk around her saying that she should be 'reassuring them that he still loves them'. She's currently wondering how on earth she can do that and sound even vaguely credible to to the 10 year old.

Of course I am talking about a minority of men. I'm (pretty!) happily married (I think!!) and am 100% sure that if I fell under a bus tomorrow my children would be fine with their lovely, loving dad who is 100% as much a parent as I am and does exactly the same for them as I do. But I also think it's absolutely as clear as a bell that not all men are wired like that. A very few women are also not wired like that and of course there are women who leave and disengage. But the difference in the numbers between these two groups is massive. That's just a statement of fact, surely? A woman leaving her kids is shocking. A man leaving is an everyday occurrence. As I said, it's terrifying when you think of it and we don't like to join the dots and come out and say that in many cases, men do not feel the same way about their children (and grandchildren, to return to OP) as women do.

Sorry, above to Devorak.

Same here.
FIL lives 20 minutes away with the new wife. Her DGD is taken on skiing holidays, has her own room at their house, goes after school. Our DC don't even get a birthday card any more.
We have spent years stressing about this, trying to talk to FIL and getting nowhere. Lots of hassle but no change in their behaviour.
My advice - just forget about it and live your life.

Your DF has made his choice, you have to respect that and move on.

You shouldn't blame his new wife. He's responsible for his actions - no one else.

My DH went through this with his dad when he remarried. After his parents split, his father remarried the most vile cold-hearted woman on earth - she was horrid to DH and his sister. Contact stopped after many perceived offences on her part. After we'd had children we made tentative contact (at my request not DHs) and all was fine for a while but then his new wife took offence at something we'd "done" and contact stopped again. When she died, FIL was on the phone the next day and happily blamed her for the lack of contact etc. DH took it at face value (whereas I was fuming) and they had a good relationship for the last 6 years of his life but what I found hard was that he took no responsibility for his actions at all. He left DH a large inheritance but I've found it hard to be enthusiastic about because DH would rather have had a father for the 20 + years that he didn't.
In honesty, I think if you speak your mind, you will be the villain of the piece and not him - and it won't change. He's made his new family his priority and not his old. I don't mean that heartlessly but I saw what years of it did to my DH. You have your own family, and you will never behave to your children the way that your father is behaving towards you. I would walk away with your head held high - it is his loss after all. You deserve better .

Again to Devorak - I didn't report your post, by the way. I don't have a problem with you being unhappy about the point I made. A discussion on it is fine.

Maybe it should be more of a discussion, and that's my point. Are we back to biological imperatives? My friend I was just speaking of - I and other friends are absolutely, totally shocked and taken aback by what's happened. He just was unhappy and he's checked out and gone. That's it. Perfectly normal bloke up to now, engaged dad, involved with friends and school and everything. And then he goes. Having a fine time as can be seen from FB. His children? Total history, just like that. He has been a parent for a decade and yet can literally turn that off and walk away. She is going through hell and her first and every thought is basically how to keep the kids together, ok, in school and functioning, because they are suffering.

Equal parents who both love their kids? No. Yet you'd be surprised by the number of folk who have advised her to try and excuse what he's done as much as possible and just maintain, at all costs, that he loves them and is a good dad. He's just not there at the moment. Of course, she isn't going to say anything negative about him to them if she can possibly help it because she is a good mum who's getting advice from a child psychologist.

It is just too unpleasant a thought to imagine that there is a certain percentage of parents out there who do not have that visceral bond to their children that most parents do.

YANBU but I'm just thinking if he doesn't care about his child (you) why would he care about his grandchildren? I'm not sure his new wife can be entirely to blame, it doesn't sound his contact with you has ever been great. If you really want to have it out with him then do but maybe with the thought that it might damage relationships for good.

I read the same thread in chat as FizzyGreenWater - and looking round at people I knew who split it ran a lot of bells.

Having said that OP I do think you are unlucky. My uncle lost his wife and moved on very quickly - but he is part of his children lives and takes both his step GC and GC on holidays - in fact often seems to do him and GC holidays.

I do get it though my own parents done't bother much with my children while they do loads for their other GC. I find it very hurtful, though worst is phone calls when everything is turned round to other GC.

If new wife is cold she may have been "told" things to justify his lack of involvement in your life . I'm not sure there is much to be done but try and ignore.

If it's any consolation OP he's probably not engaging with her family either, he's most probably just standing in the sidelines whilst she interacts with her family. He certainly doesn't sound like the type of person who's going to any child's favourite grandpa, your kids aren't actually missing out by not seeing him at all.

Women getting pregnant through deception, women killing their children, women pretending to be disabled to claim benefits, women bringing home girls for their husbands to rape and murder before burying them on the moors...

I think there's only been one woman who's brought home girls for their husbands to rape and murder before burying them on the moors, hasn't there? I can't think of another.

Women pretending to be disabled in order to claim more benefits - this doesn't apply only to women and besides, that's nothing to do with being a good mother.

Women getting pregnant by deception - yes, this happens and yes, some men pull off their condom during sex, too.

It is strange that his new wife thinks there is no problem with him having little contact with his own family, so it would suggest she isn't very nice, but that doesn't mean he is blameless.
You should tell him how you feel and ask him why he behaves like that then at least you'll know.

Op, stop blaming the ow. Your dad is the problem. Blaming other people stops you from dealing with the real issue. Placing blame does not make things better and change the situation.

You don't even know what your father told his new wife about you.

Fizzy speaks a lot of sense. This has also been my experience.

I was, when married also "100% sure that if I fell under a bus tomorrow my children would be fine with their lovely, loving dad who is 100% as much a parent as I am and does exactly the same for them as I do". I also believed that if we ever split up he would be 100% engaged and would continue to be the good dad he had always been. When he left (for OW, natch) I was still 100% sure he would priortise them. The reality was a shocker. He sees them regularly, but seems incapable of putting their needs and feelings above his/his new GFs/her children.

It seems as though he loved them and prioritised them whilst with me, but now that he is with someone else, he prioritises her children. Clearly there are benefits to him to do so.

I spent a year reassuring my girls (partcularly my eldest, now 10) who was feeling it most, that "of course Daddy loved them more than anyone". I was doing her a disservice, she saw with her own eyes that she had been sidelined, no matter what I (or he) said. Their relationship is crumbling now. She is disappointed and he regards her as disappointing (I think she was supposed to be madly enthusiastic about the new blended family despite being unsure of her place in it, and because she hasn't fitted in quite as well as expected, she's the one in the wrong). Staggering. And this from a "good dad"

Reports are very similar from friends who have been through similar. And the friends who have exes who haven't 'switched off' in this way wish they had, because they are dealing with controlling and hostile behaviour. I genuiniely don't know of a single non-resident Dad who is prioristing his children's wellbeing (though most would claim they are).

Sorry, didn't actually reply to the OP as too busy ranting. I agree that this is your Dad's fault. It's not up to his wife to prioritise you and welcome you if he won't (though I can see why you might expect her to step in). He is prioritising her family because he has prioritised her, in the same way that he prioritised your Mum. A great many men do, as sad as it is x