Kids visiting their dad

[amammabear]

I'm in danger of being accused of drip feeding because there's so much back story, but I don't want to overwhelm you with information. One thing that's probably relevant though is that last month one of the kids had an operation, he not only didn't want to be there for dd, but wouldn't help look after the other dc's, instead going away on a holiday with his girlfriend- a trip which wasn't booked until AFTER he'd said he had something else to do so couldn't. He is also either not paying maintenance properly or not paying it at all depending on whether he can be bothered on any particular month.

I'm fuming because my stbxh has suddenly decided that he can't have the kids for one of the two weeks that had been agreed during the summer holidays. He can't get it off work because he has booked time off for other things... Things not involving his children... And therefore hasn't got enough leave.

I'm annoyed because the kids will be upset, he's clearly not putting them first and I've already got things booked. He's expecting me to just pick up the slack and have them, cancel all my plans, lose money on it... AIBU to think that actually, either he should cancel other things to make that week available or he should sort some form of childcare out like any other working parent would do?

I'm hoping of course that I'm NBU, but I'm fully prepared to be told if I'm wrong, please explain why if I am though. It just seems to me, that despite going to great pains to say he would always put the kids first, he's actually doing the exact opposite, but perhaps I'm seeing it wrong.

Of course YANBU. Unfortunately you seem to have children with a high calibre arsehole who won't care.

Sadly you can't make him step up and parent. Start a claim via CMS to claim the correct amount of maintenance and have it on a regular basis.

Anything you can do about the maintenance? Because playing nice isn't getting you anywhere anyway.

You seem like an articulate person so why do you need to ask if you are being unreasonable?

Surely the answer is clear

There is nothing to debate here.

Posting in chat would have been more apt

YANBU

But, from what you've said he is a wanker. He will always behave like this and you will always have to suck it up because you love your DC's.

My exDH was the same. I put up with exactly this kind of shit for the first 3 years after we split. He then got dangerously ill as a result of his poor life choices (completely different thread) and from then on required 24 hour care from his DP.

As a result he had to go and live hundreds of miles away with his DP and her parents.

He gradually recovered but will never recover fully. DC's are now in their 20's and left home. They can see their DF for what he is. I genuinely never slagged him off to them for all the ways he was unreliable, they just grew up and realised what they'd seen over the years. They know which parent is reliable and don't have much respect or time for him.

But where you are right now, just be thankful you're not with him anymore, you really can't force someone to be a reliable parent unfortunately. And as others have said get CMS so he can't mess you about financially.

Quitelikely because I'm new to all this, and I wouldn't want to put my foot down and tell him he'd being unreasonable if actually I was being overly sensitive. If I was expecting too much, I needed to know.

Regarding the maintenance, I'm just waiting until I have evidence of how much he's earning in his new job, if he doesn't lie about it, and pays this month (first month in the job) then I will wait a little longer- I'm hoping to avoid losing some to fees through the CMS, my dc's are already going to be losing out to the new girlfriends child, if he DOES start paying properly and we can avoid the fees, it would make a difference. I'm not expecting that to happen though.

YANBU but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it!

I have 3 kids with my exh and he is the same except in 9 year since we spilt he has not looked after the kids once for me or had them for any school holidays/weekends etc. He has them one week on a Saturday and the next week on a Sunday and that's it. If he has plans or holiday to go on I don't know about it until the day meaning over the years I have lost loads of money on cancelled plans.

And even if it is his day to have them and he does he often will drop them crack early because him and his wife want to go to the cinema.... they have 6 days a week to go to the cinema yet will always cut short his time with kids.

Oh I have have never received a penny on maintenance.

But like I say nothing at all you can do about it so unfortunately you may as well accept it and stop expecting anything from him

Sorry you are going through this.

It's time to start playing hardball.

Yanbu

Tell him you're away and that he needs to get childcare if he can't take time off work, like every other parent. You're not his free babysitter.

You won't have to pay any fees for the child maintenance through CMS, unless he doesn't pay it as they tell him to. Even then you will forfeit 4% and he will have to pay an extra 20% if he wants to be a cunt about it. And he definitely is a cunt. YANBU.

Thanks everyone, sorry I've been so long, the kids had activities! A part of me was really hoping that you'd say I was in the wrong so my opinion of him didn't sink even lower, but here we are. I'll keep pushing then, I did say earlier that he could always organise some childcare while he's responsible for them.

It's not that I don't want to be with them myself, but that's not the point. He chose to leave, he chose to move away and he promised he'd never put other things before his kids... And it's not like he's the one who has to deal with the fall out when the kids are hurt by it, that's me, and then he gets them being grateful when he does spend time with them.