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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Mother has started copying how I dress! Down to the last detail.

50 replies

styledilemma · 11/05/2017 10:46

I know this sounds petty in the grand scheme of things and makes me sound like I'm 15 Hmm
I'm mid 40's mother is late 70s.
In the last couple of months my mother has gradually started wearing the same clothes as me.
Same style, same colour, in a lot of cases, the exact same item.
It's now expaneded into jewellery. A week ago, she wanted to know where I bought my watch,
now she has the same watch. It's slightly different but is the same make, colour and style as mine. Basically the same watch.
Same with shoes. Admires my shoes. Couple of days later - same shoes. Same colour, same material. Same type of shoe.
Bags. "Oh" I need a bag like that" She now has the same bag in the same colour.
Don't get me started on perfume.
She is due to go the hairdressers soon and I have a horrible feeling she will end up with the same colour and style as me. Shock

I dread going out with her as we are now starting to look really strange. The odd item I can understand (shops are limited where we live) but every bloody thing?

Should I ignore it all and be flattered, or should I gently point out to her that she needs to stoop copying me and wear what she likes and what suits her.
Some of the colors I wear don't even suit her as I am very tanned and she is very pale. When she wears the same colours as me they wash her out.

What's even more bizarre is that I'm not even that stylish.

Should I ignore it all and be flattered, or should I gently point out to her that she needs to get her own style.
It's starting to get a bit annoying. It feels like she's stealing my identity. I'd love to know what's going on in her head

OP posts:
Original poster
styledilemma · 11/05/2017 12:18

And your problem is what?

Good question.
I'm trying to think why it irritates me so much.

The only thing I can come up with is this.

All my life she's been a very bossy, domineering character and in recent years I've worked hard to break away from that and be my own person, instead of constantly living in her shadow.

By her dressing the same as me I feel as if she's slowly drawing me back in and taking over again.
It's a control thing.

Amateur psychiatry I know Hmm

OP posts:
ExConstance · 11/05/2017 12:19

I used to work with a thoroughly unpleasant and incompetent colleague who spent her entire life trying to make mine a misery. Then she started to copy me, same hair, same brands for her clothes. It is extremely annoying. Fortunately she didn't get the brands quite right and I was able to offer the comment that I couldn't stand White Stuff in conversation to let her know I'd twigged. She reverted to wearing her uniform after that.

NellieFiveBellies · 11/05/2017 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/05/2017 12:23

If this is new behaviour then I would be worried about the beginnings of dementia tbh. I don't want to frighten you, but my mother's clothes choices changed and she slightly lost her ability to judge what suited her, or quite what her taste was, when she had the beginnings of dementia.
If you are certain this isn't an issue, then why not just tell her that it annoys you, and point out that you suit very different things?

clairethewitch70 · 11/05/2017 12:29

My mum is the same and has been so all her life. Did the same with her sister. Not clothes so much but possessions, books, craft items.

She now lives with us and we have 2 same sewing machines, sizzex machines, craft books etc.

She has started painting her nails like mine, wanting to join clubs with me, claims to have same illnesses as me.

Got so now we don't take her out with us much as she will copy everything we buy (food, wine, clothes etc) and just squirrels it away.

Dyed my hair ginger, she started eyeing up ginger dyes.

I struggle with mental health and this side of her really gets me down. I avoid her as much as I can, and she lives in an annex in our garden.

Told her last week I was going to do Priestess training, she said sounds fun can I come! No mother, it is highly intensive and you are a Christian, not Pagan like me. Now she proclaims to be Pagan, pointing to all the green man and goddesses hanging in her conservatory that she bought when I bought mine. Told our other neighbour that she is a witch like me.

Believe me, it does get worse. We need to find a way to stop it.

averythinline · 11/05/2017 12:34

style - I think you may have something there...maybe she can feel your mentally moving away
do you have to see her much ? if so how about a going to mums outfit (so always the same thing Grin) or accessories....eg keep a scarf/lairy jewellry/high heels in teh car and only wear when you see her..

highinthesky · 11/05/2017 12:39

OP, you may be right - but is there a better compliment?

If DM is copying you, you're the one with the "power", not her. So stay confident in yourself.

GabsAlot · 11/05/2017 12:39

if its a control thing then take back control

just say i ont know wheer i got it from-change the subject see less of her or dont go shopping together

CricketRuntAndRashers · 11/05/2017 12:52

clairethe

Admittedly somewhat unrelated. But how do people react when you tell them you're a witch? You obviously don't have to answer, I'm just curious Blush

juneau · 11/05/2017 13:01

God - how frustrating and annoying. People always say it's a compliment when people copy you, but it's bloody not. It's irritating, unoriginal and passive-aggressive!

I would just tell her how annoying you find it, if it were me. I think the problem is that you're not being honest. Tell her you don't want her to buy the same bag, shoes, coat, cardigan as you and that you find it awkward walking down the street with an older clone next to you clutching the same ruddy bag. There are bags and shoes enough for us all in this world - tell her to be more original and source her own stuff. Her behaviour is weird and she needs to be called out on it.

JaneJeffer · 11/05/2017 13:05

That's very annoying. I had a friend at school who used to do this and as money was tight in my family it was so annoying as she could have bought anything but would copy me and I couldn't afford to get something new for ages!

You need to get a few outfits and let her copy them and then never wear them again.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 13:08

Why not plan a shopping trip and point out lots of nice clothes for her in flattering colours --which aren't like yours?

Or go together and get your colours done?

JudeeLevinson · 11/05/2017 13:11

If she asks, everything you bought was from a charity shop.

My mother did this with perfume, three times. I found it creepy and annoying. I stopped wearing the stuff in the end as every bloke I went out with complained I smelled like my mother and it was a turn-off.

GloriaV · 11/05/2017 13:15

Can you treat her to a House of Colour session (not cheap) or even you could go together - but not if you are the same skintone etc or you might come out matching again.

FinallyHere · 11/05/2017 13:29

Oh HoC session might be just the ticket. I would guess that she is trying to look ' current '. She likes the way things look on you and wants some of that for herself. In fact looking at you now she may recognise herself in a way that she doesn't when she just looks in the mirror.

It happens to lots of us.

I'd put it down to needing some help and try the HoC session or perhaps a personal shopping appointment. JL do these, no charge except anything you buy and no pressure to buy. I'm sure other places do too

Maybe dress it up as a girls outing and say you are looking for a new look. You could each have an appointment ...

She might open up about it so you can laugh together. Much nicer than letting the creepy feeling poised your relationship. All the best

Original poster
styledilemma · 11/05/2017 15:59

o you have to see her much ?

Yes

if so how about a going to mums outfit (so always the same thing grin) or accessories....eg keep a scarf/lairy jewellry/high heels in teh car and only wear when you see her.

I'm liking it.

OP posts:
Original poster
styledilemma · 11/05/2017 16:04

So,
today I pick her up to go shopping and she is wearing the same stripey top in the same colour as me, same bag, worn in the same way and same shoes. I swear she has a friggin crystal ball and can see me getting dressed in the morning.
Oh I forgot about the new watch.

In our matching stripey tops we must have looked like Dennis & Gnasher's older, uglier sisters Grin

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 11/05/2017 16:06

style I would have said "Mum we can't go out dressed as twins - go back and change your top or we'll have to drive via my house to change mine"

MatildaTheCat · 11/05/2017 16:10

Start shopping online and then 'forget' where an item came from?

And call her before going out to ask what she's planning to wear 'so we don't end up looking like weird people'.

Seriously, can you ask her over a cup of coffee if she's noticed that recently she's been buying a lot of the same stuff as you? She will probably deny it but it might put her off if you say you think other people might think it strange.

YANBU. Similar style of dressing is great. Copy cat is not.

Itsnotmesothere · 11/05/2017 16:11

Hmm.. Does sound weird. A bit of copying is flattering.
Unhelpful Suggestions.
Hire a designer to make you bespoke clothes.
Develop a unique style. How about wearing a pair of knickers on your head, jeans with the arse cut out and some doc Martens. Maybe an old stinky top that belongs to your SO too.

kaitlinktm · 11/05/2017 17:21

It is creepy - and embarrassing. I wouldn't want to wear the same clothes as my mother, whatever ages we are. Maybe a bag or a scarf - but honestly, anything more and I'd just feel stupid.

At my wedding (in the late 70s) I had a white lace dress and she chose a very pale ecru lace suit. I have never ever said anything, but it made me feel a bit silly. Us both standing for the photos in more or less the same colour. To this day, she doesn't know how I felt about it, but if we went to a wedding now, if she chose the same colour outfit I would try to persuade her not to do it - people are more vocal about it now. It was an unvoiced thing then.

clairethewitch70 · 13/05/2017 18:59

Cricket I don't usually tell people, but it is "obvious" when they visit my house (decor, spell books, pentagrams etc), and the way I dress (goth/hippie, eclectic) and my jewellery (pentagrams etc)

Oh, and I live in the woods, with a broomstick above my door, and a black cat. Grin

SunshineDeLaSoul · 13/05/2017 19:03

Tell her to stop it.

scaryteacher · 13/05/2017 19:04

My Mum says she likes my handbags, and then pesters me to give them to her....normally my expensive ones.

whatcanIdo1 · 13/05/2017 19:08

i think its really sweet and flattering! She thinks you look nice and wants to look younger - its fine op just leave it.

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