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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite new friend to my house

31 replies

selfishmommy · 11/05/2017 09:00

Sorry if this seems a really teenage thing to be asking about!!

If you meet someone new at a playgroup or baby group, do you ask them round to your house straightaway or do you go for a coffee somewhere to make sure they aren't complete nutters? Do you worry about the fact they're complete strangers or just go for it?

OP posts:
Empireoftheclouds · 11/05/2017 09:03

I dont ever have peopl in my house, I'm quite guarded so it would be for coffee or lunch for me.

LumelaMme · 11/05/2017 09:06

It was a while ago now that my DC were small, but I used to invite people round, maybe after 2 or 3 meetings/chats at school gates or playgroup. Or was invited likewise.

Met two of my closest friends that way.

ElinorRigby · 11/05/2017 09:06

What will people do in your house? Steal things? Refuse to leave? Need to use the toilet?

I think if the question is about young mothers, homes are more suitable play spaces than cafes. Plus it's cheaper to provide coffee, and biscuits yourself, than to go to a Costa or Starbucks.

Cel982 · 11/05/2017 09:06

Well, I wouldn't invite them to my house the first time I met them, but if we've been chatting for a few weeks and are getting on well then yes, I'd be happy to ask them to my house rather than feeling we had to meet in a public place first. The chances of a normal-seeming mum with a toddler turning out to be some sort of crazy stalker type is pretty low.

JaxingJump · 11/05/2017 09:07

I always invite people home. Our house is always open to people.

NorthumbrianGirl · 11/05/2017 09:08

I invited people home.

DoubleCarrick · 11/05/2017 09:09

I'd meet at the groups for a couple of weeks and then invite over. But I'm influenced by the fact that I can't really afford coffees out so if you offered me out I'd probably say "why not come to mine"

ElinorRigby · 11/05/2017 09:10

Having people round is a good way of discovering that you get on.

In my case, if people look in vaguely baffled way at the shelves of books and are puzzled by the absence of a huge flatscreen TV, I can tell that though they may be lovely, they are unlikely to be kindred spirits.

Sammyislost · 11/05/2017 09:23

Assuming you are talking about getting together for your children to play together, and to have a chitchat over a cup of coffee and cake, I'd say it would be fine to invite them to your house. Less stressful than entertaining children at a coffee shop! Perhaps set a time limit, like "Did you want to come at 10am because we've got to collect something at 12?"

blackteasplease · 11/05/2017 09:28

I meet them somewhere neutral first, but I think it's party so as not to seem pushy as much as any distrust.

NoSandPlease · 11/05/2017 09:29

Coffee a couple of times then suggest a play date.

Do you have a dog? I never go to play dates where there is a dog (unless it's a very small one!)

NoSandPlease · 11/05/2017 09:30

Or invite them as a group eg pick 3 mums and suggest a play date. Add them on Whatsapp or MSG first so you can create a group thread.

NoSandPlease · 11/05/2017 09:33

Also do you live near them? People often get anxious about finding your place/parking/bus-stops etc. Can you suggest coffee after the group so you can all go together?

SquatBetty · 11/05/2017 09:33

I would probably suggest meeting at the park, soft play etc first and then at each other's houses when we've got to know each other a bit better. But I'm a very insular, private person.

BertrandRussell · 11/05/2017 09:35

"In my case, if people look in vaguely baffled way at the shelves of books and are puzzled by the absence of a huge flatscreen TV"

Grin another one to add to the Mumsnet anthology!

Invite away, OP!

irregularegular · 11/05/2017 09:40

With children I'd invite them round. It's a much easier environment for the children to play in. I agree that it's a good idea to have a clear end time eg school pick up. I'd also consider inviting someone else at the same time so it seems less intense/pushy?

If just an adult I'd suggest going out to do something (and preferably in a slightly larger group tbh).

TellmeonaSundayplease · 11/05/2017 09:57

"if people look in vaguely baffled way at the shelves of books and are puzzled by the absence of a huge flatscreen TV, I can tell that though they may be lovely, they are unlikely to be kindred spirits."
What a very bizarre thing to say. I don't have a TV of any size and am a fully paid up member of book addicts anonymous. I have friends, with all sorts of interest, many who on the surface I have nothing in common with at all. Life would be very dull if we only made friends with 'kindred spirits".
If you like this mum, invite het to your home, make her welcome OP, enjoy a new friendship there really are few complete nutters out there.

user1493759849 · 11/05/2017 10:01

I used to invite friends around many years ago (maybe once a month or so,) when the kids were small (pals from kiddie groups and who I met in the playbarn etc.) We would chat and have coffees whilst the kids played in the pool in the garden, or in the sandpit. My kids don't live at home now, so I can't envisage any situation why I would need or want to invite anyone (other than close family,) into my home.

I don't like people in my house. I like my privacy, and I hate having people around because after an hour I just find myself looking at the clock, and thinking 'when are they going to leave?'

If I want to meet anyone, I will meet them at a coffee shop, or at the pub. That way, I have control over when I get to detach myself from their company.

I don't like going to other peoples houses either; I never feel comfortable and always feel awkward. A couple of people we know have invited us for a meal (a colleague of my husband and his wife, and the parents of the partner of one of our adult children,) and we have not accepted or arranged anything yet.

Thing is, we went for a meal about a year ago, after this one couple asked us about TEN TIMES to come to their home for a meal. We went in the end to shut them up. Within days they were asking when they could come to ours for a meal. Shock We have not asked them. A year on, they hardly speak. I heard from a mutual acquaintance that they were offended and miffed that we never asked them to ours for a meal.

If you have any doubts OP, then don't ask her around to your home yet. Thing is, may you set a precedent that you find hard to shake.

Maudlinmaud · 11/05/2017 10:02

Inviting people is fine, people who just turn up not fine.

JaxingJump · 11/05/2017 10:25

You can just turn up at my house. I like it!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 11/05/2017 10:27

Depends on how messy my house is at the time of asking!
I wouldn't find it odd to be invited to a friend's house for a coffee, but equally, I don't drink it, am crap at making it, and my house is a shit tip, so I'm more likely to arrange a meet up somewhere else.

TellmeonaSundayplease · 11/05/2017 10:48

'You can just turn up at my house. I like it!'
I like it too and guess I enjoy friends who like it, regardless of whether or not they looked baffled about my lack of TV/books piled up everywhere. I suppose if the OP is asking if its ok then she's probably uncomfortable with the idea so perhaps a coffee shop is the best place to meet up in the begining.
Billy I dont drink coffee either and often don't have any in the house but I still invite people over. When I was a child a friends parents (who are exceedingly wealthy) lived in the this amazing house but it was a complete tip, even by my standards and Im definitely no domestic goddess, no one ever ever seemed to load the dishwasher, tidy up clutter everywhere etc but the mother was the most wonderful welcoming host to everyone who came through the door I loved going there. 40 years on were still friends with them and nothing has changed now my children go there and just love it.

Kokusai · 11/05/2017 10:53

You can just turn up at my house. I like it!

Same. I like my friends. I like having friends to my house. I like giving to my friends house.

Man has a much higher % than he population of people that hate socialising with anyone other than their 'little family' hate having anyone in their 'little castle' and get anxious over mundane tasks like driving to a friends house.

Floggingmolly · 11/05/2017 10:58

Why would people appear baffled at your bookcases?? Have you really had people staring in awed amazement at the fact that you read, Elinor?
If a new acquaintance looked askance at anything in my home, they wouldn't be getting a return invitation anytime soon.
But people don't, do they? You don't walk into someone's home and wonder where their telly is, any more than not having one makes you a cut above the great unwashed.
Invite them round, op. Even if you have that hugely embarrassing TV in your living room. They'll forgive you, if the biscuits are good.

TellmeonaSundayplease · 11/05/2017 11:25

As I said above we don't even have a TV let alone a huge flat screen thing. Im amazed by how few even notice, one friend has been coming round regularly for over 8 years and only last week said "where's your TV? "
Some people do comment on my decor, which is perhaps slightly unusual, its very eclectic a mixture of the very old; we've have inherited over the years lots of antiques'and original art mixed with some new. I don't mind what they say. I'm not known for not being tidy or a fantastical cleaner but again most don't seem to care.