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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Follow on schools chosen children as adults.

26 replies

Wishingitwaswarm · 10/05/2017 13:59

So a couple of threads recently about the same chosen children appearing in photos and school productions.

My dd never appears or gets picked for anything so my question is

What happens to these golden children when they leave school. Do they continue the self fulfilling prophecy in later life for jobs / careers of always getting picked, do they become uber successful or do they suddenly realise that life isn't like school and it's bloody hard work at the bottom of the heap when they're no longer the chosen star

OP posts:

Redredredrose · 10/05/2017 14:05

I was a golden child, picked for all the quiz teams and school plays and top of the class etc at primary school. I passed and entrance exam and won a scholarship to a good independent secondary school, aced my GCSEs and A Levels, went to a RG university for my undergrad, and then another for my MA and PhD. I now have a good job in a related field (with additional qualifications at Masters level, and own a four bed detached in the SE, with a lovely DP and gorgeous DS. I'm not powerful or influential in the world, or massively rich though. I pretty much coast through my job because it's so easy, which I'm sure isn't a good thing - I'm bored rigid half the time.

I also have terribly low self esteem and depression/anxiety issues and never ever feel like I'm good enough. So... dunno really.

Redredredrose · 10/05/2017 14:11

Thing is, some golden children at primary school will be a big fish in a small pond, and realise that they're a minnow when they get out into the real world and it's no longer easy. Others will be sharks and everything will continue to be easy, and they'll be massively successful. And others will be like me - do ok but not amazingly so.

To be honest, the only time I've ever really had to work flat out, had to give 100% to do well, was in the last 6 months of my doctorate. But that often means, if you find you can do well without trying, you never really bother to try hard, so you probably don't fulfill your potential.

Sunshinerainbows123 · 10/05/2017 14:13

Redredredrose are you me?

Redredredrose · 10/05/2017 14:20

I bet most people with a PhD who have left academia would relate a similar background!

MaudOnceMore · 10/05/2017 14:27

I think it all depends on why the child is being chosen. If it's simple favouritism, that could end at any time (although the factors that made them a favourite at primary school may carry through to secondary school and beyond). If they're being chosen for an identifiable skill or trait - cleverest child for the quiz team, best actor for the lead in the school play, most confident child to present a bouquet to the mayor - than that might fizzle out or (I suspect more likely) it might endure for a long time, as those traits are pretty durable.

blackteasplease · 10/05/2017 14:31

Oh, I was a real mixture.

At primary school, not a golden child at all. Fairly consistently overlooked, with one or two exceptions when I was asked to be a reader etc.

Secondary school not much at first but in the end I was the child who was in plays etc. But that was because I made a lot of effort to be seen/ show teachers that I was hard working etc. I was never someone who was just "picked" for no apparent reason. I was captain of a sport but only because I did all the organising for the teacher.

dinosaursandtea · 10/05/2017 14:52

I was definitely a golden child, but the one thing it taught me was that you have to put yourself forward and not wait for someone to hand you an opportunity. Tell people why you deserve something and they're likely to believe you.

SocksRock · 10/05/2017 14:55

Same as redrose. Very academically successful, chosen for lots of stuff, great career, lovely DH and DC's, nice house

Spent 15 months on the sofa with crippling anxiety, still taking medication - general feeling of never being good enough for anything.

GinAndTalented · 10/05/2017 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runloganrun101 · 10/05/2017 18:33

I was the one who never got picked for anything at school (too fat, too 'plain', too quiet). Now despite not having a degree I'm the most financially/personally successful person out of my former classmates in all my schools. But I attribute that to my incredibly underprivileged background - I was in a do or die situation and if I hadn't pulled my socks up, my life would've been a disaster.

Kitsandkids · 10/05/2017 19:03

I wouldn't say I was a particularly 'golden child' most of the way through school, but I found most lessons doable, if not easy, and I got on well with most teachers, so in Year 11 I was picked as Head Girl and ended up with a few end of year prizes.

I found A Levels much harder, plus I didn't like the sixth form college at all - I was used to knowing literally everyone at school and I suddenly felt like a little fish in a big pond.

I did ok and I went to uni but I continued to struggle and went on to have a few years of finding it hard to get any job, let alone something I was qualified for. During a period of unemployment I was invited to a prize evening at my old school as the head was retiring and I saw all these kids getting prizes and being told they had the world at their feet and I remember thinking 'don't get your hopes up because it might not be like that.'

But, fast forward a few years and I am now really happy with life.

I do wonder if I might have struggled less when I found things hard if I hadn't had so many years of being good at most things. I didn't have much experience of failure as a child and young teen and perhaps that made it worse when I did start to fail? Who knows!

scrivette · 10/05/2017 19:36

My friends and I were 'golden children' at Primary School. It was a smallish school, about 300 in the entire school and pretty much everyone knew each other.

Going from Primary to Secondary was a HUGE shock (about 240 per year) and I was just one of many and certainly no longer golden. I really struggled with it and hated most of secondary school, despite having friends and lost all interest in it and didn't ever try or push myself.

However, I am lucky and have a fairly decent job/salary. I do feel a bit sorry for the golden children at my son's Primary sometimes as they will probably have a shock like I did.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 10/05/2017 20:19

I used to know a golden child.
He was picked for a lot of stuff. Very bright, things came easily to him.
He went to university and coasted for the first year then real life bit him hard. He actually had to work to get results and he didn't like it.
Dropped out, ended up in a mediocre job and last I heard was rather bored with how his life was going.
I suspect its not totally uncommon, when you've spent a big chunk of your youth having things basically handed to you on a plate and being bright enough that you don't need to work too hard.

PseudoBadger · 10/05/2017 20:26

Our one ended up in Blue. The band. That ended well.

youaredeluded · 10/05/2017 20:36

I was a golden child at school. Always pricked for things, lead in the school play, photos... etc. I think the confidence that gave me made me excel in life. Top uni, PhD... top of my field now. But socially... I do struggle and I find it hard to understand how other people don't succeed or have the same drive as me. God, I sound like a dick... sorry have just tried to be honest.

Rolypolybabies · 10/05/2017 21:20

A good friend of mine was the only child of Chinese heritage in a very white area. She was always picked for photos and outreach and came to find it very difficult. Looking back now she feels she was picked to suit a theme and that it bordered on racist.

I think schools become blinkered and forget each child is an individual.

Hassled · 10/05/2017 21:26

I was a bit of a golden child at school but as an adult have never really had much in the way of ambition. I certainly haven't remotely lived up to the early promise - I mean I'm perfectly content and doing OK, but no dizzying career or anything. I'll never set the world on fire - I've no desire to.

JaxingJump · 10/05/2017 21:29

My sister was a golden child, Mary in school play, scholarship to secondary, always picked for leading choir or sports stuff or academic stuff. She's a fantastic GP now and has done perfectly well in life.

My DH was also the golden child in school and is a hugely high achiever. He amazes me on a daily basis. He can make a success of anything and is the hardest and smartest grafter I have ever met.

I was so so, always got picked but usually 2nd or 3rd, not first like my sister and DH. I've done really well I think. Have my dream life now and everything I want. Successful career that causes me zero stress.

The golden child from my year in school was also hugely successful, Harvard etc. Major academic achievements. Solid personality, buckets of confidence.

I think some people are strong and confident and able at their core and remain so for life. That's not to say there aren't a few stealthy ones who are quiet!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/05/2017 21:37

It really depends on why they are getting picked. I would never have been picked as the most sporty or photogenic child. Nor would I have got the main singing or dancing role! However, I was picked for quizzes and the like because I was good at that. I now work in the City earning 6 figures but still can't sing or dance . It was always going to be technical ability and hard work that got me noticed not charisma and cuteness.

youaredeluded · 11/05/2017 10:04

He can make a success of anything and is the hardest and smartest grafter I have ever met

This is exactly how my husband sees me - although I very often have imposter syndrome and think everyone else must be as capable at all things as I am, as I am nothing special... which leads to a lot frustration. Other times I guess I am arrogant and cocky. One extreme to the other. I do think though, being picked out at school as "special" did set me up in the long run. It is easy to have confidence in yourself when everyone has always told you how great you are... but then very easy to be hard on yourself when you are not perfect in every single way.

JaxingJump · 11/05/2017 10:20

My DH is harder on himself than anyone I know and simply does not see how exceptional he is, at all. So not unlike your mindset Youaredeluded.

Sugarcoma · 11/05/2017 13:14

There was a core group of golden children at my tiny primary, the ringleader of which had marginally famous parents (her dad was a Telly presenter). She also bullied me.

She's been trying to make it as a singer for about 10 years in a series of unsuccessful bands (although she appears to have had a bit more luck recently). The other two went to fairly shit secondary schools (ringleader went to a private one of course) & I think haven't done anything particularly remarkable.

I went to Oxbridge but haven't done anything particularly remarkable since (although am still hopeful that might change one day!)

brasty · 11/05/2017 13:17

My family have a few golden child's. They have grown up now. One doing very well, lots of friends, good jobs, girlfriend. One lazy, got sacked from last job, lots of friends, but not found his way in life yet. I think there is a lot more to how well someone does in life than just this one element.

nelipotter · 11/05/2017 13:20

I was a golden child then I had a wild youth and pretty much threw it all away.
By golden child I mean super smart and popular with the teachers but dreadfully lonely and not friends with hardly any students. So depends what you mean by golden.

Wasn't until i went to uni in my thirties and found I aced everything and actually was smart that I got some self-esteem for the first time in my life. Now I am on the cusp of a career I might actually enjoy and life is probably as good as it gets.

It's not all smooth sailing from the golden start. Some of us take the long way round.

shinyredbus · 11/05/2017 13:20

this was my husband - did well in school, favoured by all, went to a good uni, now doing well later in life. He's a lovely man though - and a very good father - we are lucky. ... me - pretty average in school, pretty average job but i absolutely love what i do.

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