Relationship with my Mum - any advice please?

[HelloPossums]

Hello everyone,

I'm a regular poster but I've name-changed here.

I'd like to ask you all for some advice about my relationship with my family please.

Just to give some background, at the moment, I'm a graduate in my early twenties and I'm looking for work after resigning from a fairly stressful job at the end of last year. While I've been involved in part time work and one-off jobs, I'm really keen to start a full-time job. I've been sending off applications, but am still waiting to hear back from different places.

My parents are both aware that I'm not employed full-time, and this is causing quite a lot of stress and worry for my Mum in particular. It's causing me quite a lot of stress as well, because I would like to start earning a regular salary as soon as possible, and I think it's quite important to have a (relatively) stable and secure job as well.

To go back to my relationship with my parents, although I've moved away from home, we're still very close (which I'm really grateful for). We call each other regularly, and I'll often visit them. At the moment, because I'm not working regularly, it's obviously more straightforward for us to find time to see each other than it would be if I had a full time job (if that makes sense).

I've just come back home for a few days to see my parents and to celebrate my Mum's birthday. Since I've been back, we've talked a bit about any luck I'm having with job applications. I can understand why my Mum thinks this way, but she'll say things like: 'oh, you've had an 'expensive' education (school, degree etc.) - you need to really focus now on applying for jobs and on getting a good job, otherwise you'll be doing yourself a disservice.' (When I asked her what she meant about the 'expensive' education, because I went to state school rather than private school, she said that she meant that I'd had a 'good' education which was worth a lot of money, even though it was free - apart from uni, obviously, which I took a maintenance loan and tuition fee loan for). Sorry, I hope this all makes sense!!

This is going to sound really petty and a non-issue, but since I've been back, my Mum will call me things like 'moron' or 'pain in the arse' if I faff around a bit or don't quite do something properly.

I think my Mum sees saying things like this as 'banter', but because she says things like 'moron' (for example) to me quite a lot, it's started to become quite annoying.

I've called her out on it a few times, to which she'll then say that she didn't mean anything by it or that she didn't mean it in a horrible way, or she'll get upset and say I'm being too sensitive and it was a joke. I do believe this when she says it. I feel that it's become a habit now, if that makes sense. As my Mum sees it as 'banter' and she doesn't mean anything hurtful by it, she won't make an 'effort' to stop herself from using it or catch herself before she says it. Maybe it's also a way of relieving any stress she feels, if that makes sense.

Again, like I say, this is a non-issue but it's getting me down a bit. I am really lucky that I have a close relationship with both my Mum and Dad, and they're both under a lot of stress. I would just like to see if I just could get some advice maybe on how to deal with this. What could I say to call my Mum out on this, and to feel a bit more assertive?

AIBU to just ask for some advice please?

Thanks :)

I'd calmly tell her, when you're in a relaxed environment, exactly what she's said and how it's made you feel. I had to do this he other day with my DM as she was making comments about my appearance. She was clearly mortified and has made a real effort since. It's horrible though.

Thanks so much Lilac - that's a really good suggestion. It'll definitely be helpful :)

If anyone else also has further advice, it would be great to hear from you :)

Hey, it sounds like she's got your best interests at heart but isn't going about it the right way. Maybe go for a coffee or a walk and remind her that as someone just starting out on their career these things take time and its okay to try different things and even to never settle on one particular path. I am in exactly the same boat - early 20s, recent graduate and my parents biggest fear was that the higher fees wouldn't amount to what I was after and that id be disappointed with myself as a result. But careers aren't as linear as they used to be and it sounds like you did the right thing with the stressful job - you put your health and happiness first and that's how it should be. As mentioned - try and talk about it outside the house, and reiterate firmly but fairly that you are entitled to consider your options, to take a breather and try different things. Hope it all works out for you xx

I agree, a calm conversation away from any of the actual incidents is needed, Little's idea of a walk where you can talk properly is good. With my DM I would go from the angle that my confidence doesn't need knocking when I'm trying my best to find a full time job and that I would really appreciate support rather than 'banter'. Try and avoid being accusatory and frame it as a request for support and encouragement rather than a complaint about her behaviour. Obviously I'm assuming that you don't believe she's being deliberately unkind or malicious, just a bit insensitive, my advice would be entirely different if you thought she was being purposely nasty.

Thanks so much LittleGreen :) your post was lovely, and really helpful. I'm so grateful to hear from someone who's also been in a similar position, as I think things like job hunting can definitely put a lot of stress on the whole family.

Can I ask how you're finding your current job, and how you got into it please?

Thanks so much as well Hiding, that's great advice too :) I think calmly talking things over with my Mum is a really good idea. Thanks :)

Hey Possums, our situations are very similar. I quit a job i'd been in for three months in December just gone because likewise the stress was horrendous. I graduated in 2015 and took a part time job (admin contact role) hoping to do a masters also part time. Only the university I was with did not like this idea and it quickly broke down. I went full time in that role until last October when I tried to break into the area I want to be in (think charity and legal fields) whilst again starting the masters part time at a different uni. This new job turned out to be a mistake and I quit in December and returned to the admin role on a temporary basis until the end of March. It was the best decision for my health but as you can imagine left me feeling a little down because I was essentially taking a step back. I threw everything into finding a new job after Christmas and have been in my new role for 6 weeks with masters exams starting on Thursday (eek!). The new role is amazing - still stressful but the kind of stress I was after and the kind of challenge I wanted. Keep applying for different roles -
it is a hard slog that often isn't fair. Charityjobs is a great website for voluntary and paid positions in a variety of different fields. I found when everything got so bad last year that volunteering for a charity actually took my mind off of things and gave me fresh enthusiasm. What kind of work are you interested in getting into? Best of luck x

Some brilliant and sensible responses.

My response would of been every time your mother called you a moron, reply pointedly calling her an old fart. I find older people quickly stop with the name calling when you respond in kind.

Good luck

Thank you so much LittleGreen and Jupitar :) Little, I'm quite interested in going into charity work, so will definitely look at Charity Jobs - thanks!