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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH family AIBU?

15 replies

Sunshineroses90 · 09/05/2017 13:54

I've been having a few problems with OH's family since finding out I was pregnant.
Things were rocky between us very early pg and he spoke of our issues to his family, putting his side across and ignoring the fact he'd spoke (well shouted) to me like dirt and made me out to be a 2 headed monster. Anyway moving on we've sorted our issues and his behaviour was due to stress and uncertainty of the future, understandable given the circumstances I forgave him.

His family on the other hand have continued to treat me like dirt. They've accused me of being controlling, taking his money and have made it pretty clear they don't like me. They've not once asked me how my pregnancy is going or offered any help. Just last week his mother invited him to her house minus me so she could talk about me. OH said he defended me but wouldn't go into details to as what she was exactly saying however he did confirm things said about me weren't said in a positive light.

I've tried my best to get along with them invited his mother to my scans, gender reveal and made an appearance to most family meals, to which I got ignored by his aunt and mother but I went for my OH not them.

My due date is July and I'm just so upset with how they've treated me during this pregnancy, how much stress they've put me under and now I will be expected to include them in my daughters life. Would I be unreasonable to cut them out of my life and my little ones? Should I grin and bare their behaviour when they make me feel so worthless and useless as a person?

In their eyes my OH is absolutely perfect and they won't see his faults even though he's told them issues earlier on were him overreacting and treating me like crap. I'm just so fed up of it all.

OP posts:

Picklepickle123 · 09/05/2017 14:01

It's not really right for them to be so judgemental, but if your OH hasn't given a complete picture, that's not right either. I wouldn't go NC at this point, but rather discuss with your OH how his family's behaviour makes you feel.

Be clear that he needs to make a stand, and if they can't be civil then his mum/aunt will have limited interaction with his future child. Hopefully some stern words from him and the thought of not being able to see GC will change their approach a little.

I'm sure there will be other people who think NC is the way to go, but we're all human and sometimes it can take a little bit of time to build a good relationship, especially if there have been issues in the past. Best of luck :)

runloganrun101 · 09/05/2017 14:05

I personally think this type of situation only gets worse after you have a child. Instead of using her son against you, she'll also use your child & if you let her see your child, she'll undermine you at every opportunity. Be firm with your DH - tell him you don't want either yourself or your child to go through this shit, and if he wants his family to see his child he needs to make a stand. That includes no visits without you.

InDubiousBattle · 09/05/2017 14:13

You say that you forgave your OH for the things he said in your early pregnancy. Do you know what he said? From your MILs point of view she has her son, who she cares about, coming to her telling her who know what about his partner. If a member of my family came to me and confided with me about problems with their relationship I would take them on their word, if they said that their partner was behaving badly I would believe them and it would make me feel differently about their partner. You need to get your oh to have a conversation with his family about it.

Are you seriously expecting your oh to never see his family again?

Original poster

Sunshineroses90 · 09/05/2017 14:41

He has told his family that it was him in the wrong and it wasn't me who was the bad guy in all of this but the issues continue. I'm yet to receive an apology for their behaviour, I'm not holding my breath to get one either.

I'm not asking for OH not to see his family ever again that's ridiculous. I've stopped all contact and visits due to them making me feel so uncomfortable around them, I don't appreciate his mother arranging meetups minus me so she can openly discuss how much of a terrible person I am. I don't want my daughter caught up in all of this or for them to continue to treat me like crap and use my baby against me.

OP posts:

strugglinghuman · 09/05/2017 14:58

It may blow over in time. I think that the cure for this if you can stand them is to spend time around them which is normal and grounded, which will inevitably start to dissipate any silly notions your OH has put out. Talking to each other tends to reinforce the normal and act in opposition to shit stirring.

I wouldn't do it during pregnancy or during baby's early life it puts you under a great deal of stress, but without being too chummy I would communicate on mundane and practical matters in a friendly, normal manner.

Troubleinstore · 09/05/2017 15:10

I think you need to be sorting this out sooner rather than later. When the baby is born will they be expecting DH to take it over for visits without you? And what if you're feeding? Are they going to be welcomed to your house to visit? Are you going to be happy with the fallout if they insist on visiting or going to see them with the baby?
I'd be asking your DH what you're all going to do and both of you have a plan....because this will happen, so be prepared.
If it means a full blown discussion now with all parties so be it, as when the baby is born you will have your hands full and will not want to be even more stressed.

Fletchasaurus · 09/05/2017 15:13

I read your post with interest as this is a very similar situation that I have with DH's family. His family basically hate me and I am terrified that children will cause a huge rift. There doesn't seem to be an easy solution and I fully understand how you feel when your OH won't stick up for you. I want to say 'no, you can't see my child' but I hate how that will affect DH. As it is, the child will not know their cousins. You must do what is best for YOU and whatever you need to keep yourself and your baby happy and healthy.

Trb17 · 09/05/2017 15:18

In my experience, I don't trust DH's family to be unsupervised with DD as I'm not sure they wouldn't say bad things about me in front of her. So from my point of view I'd go NC and tell your OH that if he wants things to change do that you have contact in the future he can bloody well sort out the issue he's caused by telling them one sided stories. Until then, go NC as your little one doesn't need that negativity.

Chloe84 · 09/05/2017 15:23

Stop inviting them to things and stop going to their things. Let DH go and visit them. Tell him you don't want to hear a word of what they say about you.

They are the thick and nasty ones for not realising there are 2 sides to every story.

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 09/05/2017 15:35

They could have empathised with your DH without being nasty with you. Your DH is an adult so is free to make his own choices.
YwouldNBU to cut contact or to wait to see if they mellow down when baby is here. In any case I wouldn't let my child go there unsupervised if I was in your place.
On top of that your DH should tell them he won't listen to them badmouthing you and show that he is on your side.

diddl · 09/05/2017 15:42

Oh dear.

I think that once you know something about someone it's hard to put it out of your mind-even when told things are OK now/the person isn't that bad.

They should be doing it for OH's sake though & at least being polite to you!

He should be stopping them though.

I think I'm an odd person in this respect though as him blabbing to his family about your problems-to the point that they now think badly of you-especially as you are expecting his child & would have that connection even if you decided to split-would lower my opinion of him.

HashiAsLarry · 09/05/2017 15:49

You don't have an IL issue, you have an OH issue.

YANBU to limit contact though until your OH can stand up and not tolerate their behaviour.

Thinkingblonde · 09/05/2017 16:00

Your DH shouldn't have gone to see his family after being summoned by them, for the sole purpose of bad mouthing you.
He should have refused to go.
I think you should both go to see them all, his aunt included. He should tell them, in no uncertain terms that he won't tolerate you, the mother of his unborn child, being subjected to being ignored or spoken to in derogatory terms in future. If they want a relationship with their grandchild they'd better start treating his or her mother with respect.

Notsandwiches · 09/05/2017 16:02

This is your OHs doing and you need your OH to sort it out. This happened to me with my STBXH: he painted me as a monster because it suited his then agenda. However he wouldn't then admit that he'd lied because that would make him look bad. I had to live with the consequences. With hindsight I can see I allowed him to do nothing to save face. But ultimately his saving face was at the cost of my reputation. Might this be what's happening with your OH?

justkeepswimmingg · 09/05/2017 16:27

It really needs nipping in the bud before your DD arrives. If it cannot be salvaged, then I agree with NC. That being as if they bad mouth you to your DH, who's to say they won't bad mouth you around your DD?! As she's gets older she's going to become aware of the conflict, and it's not fair on her to be caught in the middle. Plus no one wants to hear someone saying nasty things about their DM. You need to speak to DH seriously, and tell him what you want/need from him. MIL cannot pick and choose what parts of your life to be involved in, that includes involvement with your DD. Your DH needs to make MIL aware of this.

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