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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Schooling - WWYD?

23 replies

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 09/05/2017 12:59

I have two DDs at an excellent fee paying school. One loves it. The other has struggled to settle after two years, and has been victim of some bullying. I have a meeting at the school to discuss soon, to see how they can help. I will be requesting a specific teacher, the bully in a different class, and assurances over the children who will be in her class. She will be in her final year of junior school after the summer. I'm also considering a move to the local state junior school. She is keen for this. She knows no one there.
Would you:

Persevere with the excellent school to see how the new measures will help, with a view for her staying there for the remainder of her schooling?

-Move her to the local junior school where she'd have local friends but would also have to go to an underperforming upper school?

OP posts:

Mumzypopz · 09/05/2017 13:16

Bearing in mind the other parents are also paying fees, and they may not be happy with any changes etc, ie their child being moved to a different class etc, I'm thinking your demands may not be easy to meet. But it's worth seeing what they can do.

Original poster

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 09/05/2017 13:18

The classes will be mixed up after this year. They have an intake of new pupils too so there are lots of changing factors.

OP posts:

MilesHuntsWig · 09/05/2017 13:23

I'd see what the school's response to your requests is before deciding TBH. If your DD still isn't convinced maybe the other school would work better for her. You could always invest in tutoring in parallel with the state upper school if necessary to support her if money isn't an issue. She's likely to do better somewhere she's happier/more comfortable anyway isn't she?

It's worrying that your second DD has had such a struggle though, is the fee paying school excellent both academically and pastorally?

Stripyhoglets · 09/05/2017 13:24

If the school is otherwise good and there can be changes made to help your daughter then it may be worth seeing if they help before deciding to move her.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/05/2017 13:24

If your child is being bullied then the school is not excellent

Original poster

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 09/05/2017 13:27

Dishwashersaurous That is my main concern. But I should have said the school is excellent academically.
I've spoken to the Deputy Head before and individual incidents have been dealt with. I'm seeing the Head this time to request assurances for the overall picture

OP posts:

SomethingBorrowed · 09/05/2017 13:28

Not sure if you can request the teacher you want AND for other pupils to be/not be in the same class, as you would be basically preventing them to have the teacher you requested.
But I guess it depends on the circumstances.

runloganrun101 · 09/05/2017 13:39

Fee paying schools often have really strict bullying policies, far stricter than state schools. There is every chance the school might expel this student if it gets worse.

LIZS · 09/05/2017 13:48

Don't bet on it runlogan. Dd suffered in year 5 at prep school, they separated some of the culprits by reorganising classes for year 6 but the situation didn't improve and was a driving factor in moving her at 11 rather than 13. The bullies were handled with kid gloves and stayed until year 8.

LIZS · 09/05/2017 13:50

Op what are your plans for secondary, is it dd1 or dc2 you are concerned about?

wickerlampshade · 09/05/2017 13:52

I will be requesting a specific teacher, the bully in a different class, and assurances over the children who will be in her class.

will you be saying "jane, fred and isabel have been in a clique who are bullying my daughter and I'd like them to be separated next year"

"I want to be involved in the class selection and have a veto of any particular child being in my daughter's class"

the first is reasonable, the second will mark you out as a loon

Original poster

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 09/05/2017 14:03

wickerlampshade Neither. I'll be saying

"Please make sure this one boy who encouraged another pupil to have her by the neck against a wall, threatened to steal her iphone and created a social media account in her name to bully others, be kept away from her. Please give her an understanding teacher and assure me that there will be a couple of children my daughter knows in her class next year."

It's a large year group, and will have six classes next year. So there are children she doesn't know well. Two possible teachers are approachable and understanding, two are old-school strict and I don't know the other two. I feel a teacher she knows she could approach for help would reduce her anxiety.

OP posts:

LIZS · 09/05/2017 14:05

Are they set for some subjects, as if so it is unlikely she'd avoid all contact .

Kokusai · 09/05/2017 14:07

Yikes that is very sever :-(

I think I would look at moving schools. Academically strong schools aren't the be all and the end all.

Are there other fee paying schools you could consider for secondary that aren't this one, or the under performing state?

Original poster

MoiraRosesMeltdown · 09/05/2017 14:10

There is far more to it than just this. I think we are too late in the year for her to get a place at another fee paying school, unfortunately. I really am torn.

OP posts:

Blankscreen · 09/05/2017 14:17

Im sorry but even if they are put in different classes the Bullys can seek.her out at play time and unfortunately you now have social media to deal.with.

Get her out while you can. She wants to move that says it all.

If she is miserable regardless of how 'excellent' the School is you are setting her up for years of potentially unhappiness and anxiety.

I was bullyed at private School.and in the end my parents sent me to the local comp which had a shit reputation. Best thing ever and i still became a lawyer despite my apparently shit School!!!!

MilesHuntsWig · 09/05/2017 20:22

That's appalling. If they don't do something pretty serious and immediate to address that behaviour I would be telling them I'm going to involve the police to handle the assault and identity theft aspects. That won't look good for their marketing...

Also you might not be late for fee paying schools - people's circumstances change, it's prob worth asking if that's what you want - we got lucky last year. Equally, you could try the state school if that would at least enable your DD to get her confidence back.

TBH if my DD was bullied that badly at a school, demonstrating its inability to enforce a reasonable bullying policy, I wouldn't want any of my children there.

emmyrose2000 · 10/05/2017 00:42

The school is obviously not excellent if this is going on. Academics mean nothing if you're too upset (due to bullying) to absorb any of the knowledge, or you come out of it with a high academic score but emotionally damaged.

If DC is happy to attend the local (state?) school then it seems a no brainer to send her there. Hopefully the bullying won't start there too. Bullying happens in all types of schools, as this has shown, so fee vs state is irrelevant. It has to be best for the individual child.

Approaching the current school and requesting a particular teacher and saying that the bully/bullies must be in a different class is reasonable. Wanting to oversee practically the entire class list is not.

Lupinhere37 · 10/05/2017 02:04

I am currently in a very similar situation with repeated low level bullying at my DD's new fee paying senior school. Please be careful, as our situation has deteriorated rapidly. We have tried to persevere due to the academic excellence of the school but the crippling anxiety that has been the result of the exclusion, cliques and low level bullying ( all under the school's radar, it appears ) has led my daughter to become physically unwell. Unless I get some real assurances that there will be an immediate improvement then I will move her back into the state sector. Academic achievement will not be forthcoming with a child driven to despair by bullies.I have come to the conclusion that these fee paying schools are not all they're cracked up to be sometimes. I have been staggered by the cruel, spoilt and entitled behaviour that I have witnessed, which has been defended and endorsed by their parents in many cases. But of course bullying can happen in any type of school.
I also agree that you can't assume bullies will be dealt with severely in a private school. They're paying a fee too and the school needs to generate income like any other business, so expulsion is only likely to be a very last resort.
I hope you get this sorted out OP. As an aside, due to house moves, my DD has attended a few schools. She easily made friends at her new state junior schools, where she was a novelty as the new girl. Your daughter will be fine if you move her to the local junior school. Don't worry too much about the local secondary being under performing. Schools change and just because the school may be underperforming overall doesn't mean your DD won't do well personally. You can spend some of your saved school fees on tutors if needs be. Trust me, a happy child is more important. I desperately want my happy child back again.
Good luck.

OlennasWimple · 10/05/2017 02:22

I would be having a conversation with the head along the lines that they are currently failing to keep your DD safe; you want to know how they are going to assure you that they are able to meet their safeguarding duties in respect of her; and if you are not convinced that they can do this, regrettably you will need to remove her from the school.

And sit back and see what they suggest.

If their proposed response is along the lines of what you want, fine - but also ask about break time oversight, and what they would do if a similar incident occurred (including who DD shoudl tell if she feels under threat)

HildaOg · 10/05/2017 02:26

A child's social and emotional wellbeing is more important than being excellent acedemically. They may get the grades but if they're tolerating bullying then they're a shit school and you're paying for that, I'd threaten to sue them.

Trifleorbust · 10/05/2017 06:28

It isn't unreasonable for her to be separated from the bullies. It is unreasonable for you to think you can specify her teacher. She isn't the only student in the school and class lists will be drawn up on the basis that all teachers are competent, qualified adults whose job it is to manage behaviour fairly. You may find that an 'old school strict teacher' is better at making sure these issues aren't happening anyway.

MaisyPops · 10/05/2017 06:38

What's happened to your child is awful and needs dealing with.

You're well within your rights to request your child and the bullies to be separated.
You're not within your rights to say you want certain teachers.
You're not within your rights to say you want certain children in the class.

We have 8 class entry and get so many requests for can these kids be kept apart, this child has moved groups for drama but not science etc. Home would like this child on their own, sit so and so at the back, we've had a request to seat child near friend etc. We make them work. But add in wanting certain children and certain teachers then you're actually starting to be talking about other children's education and that's way beyond the current situation.

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