supporting struggling children but not allowing them hurt DC

[wingsandstrings]

I have a good friend who has recently been widowed very young, and is of course devastated. My family has been close to her family for quite a few years and we are also grieving. My 2 DC are close to my friend's 2 children, have been for many years, our kids range from age 7 - 9. The children who have recently been bereaved are wonderful lovely kids. I love them, I've known them since they were babies. Obviously, however, they are really struggling with what has happened. They are exhibiting all sorts of behaviour that shows how distressed they are; from physically attacking their mum to refusing to eat. I am trying to be as supportive as possible to my friend. I have looked after her children, helped with legal docs, cooked meals, made myself available to talk whenever and wherever etc etc . . . . I have not resented a minute of it, I want to help. I can't really imagine the pain she is in. The only thing causing me anxiety is that her children are very difficult for my DC to spend time with, because their distress is making them often really quite unkind. They lash out - physically and emotionally - and my DC have been on the receiving end. I have explained to my DC many times that their friends are suffering and we have to be patient, but there's only so many times I can see mine hurt. My youngest - who is the youngest of the group - has been really bullied the last couple of times we've spent time together. At the same time my friend says things like 'at least having you and your DC here gives us more of a sense of normalcy' and 'I think mine are at their happiest when yours are here, I see glimpses of the old DC when yours are here'. But, my youngest in particular now really doesn't want to see them, she also exhibits her own signs of distress (tearful, clingy, angry) after seeing them. AIBU not to allow my kids around hers for a couple of months? If so, I really don't want to cause my friend any more upset, should I say something explicitly or just make sure it doesn't happen? I would of course continue myself to do whatever I could for my friend.

Could you say to her that your kids are a bit upset by her kids understandably lashing out, so is there anything you could do as a group that means they get the normalcy feeling, but the kids don't interact so much so your kids aren't bullied - cinema maybe? Ultimately though, you need to protect your kids first. Grieving means it's understandable to lash out, but it's not ok and your kids shouldn't have to deal with it

You need to protect your own DC. I would be as honest with her in the kindest way as possible but ultimately your DC need you to protect them first & foremost.

It's such a hard situation for all involved.

Can you have them round but be much firmer about boundaries? Have clear enforced consequences for attacks, like sending them home early. But do it with empathy rather than anger of course.

It can't feel good to them either, deep down, hurting their friends because they are losing control. If you can step in to make the situations safer for your kids it might help all the kids feel more secure.

Your children's well-being needs to be your priority

Is the widow and children getting beteavement support?
Can you call Winston wish and talk thru ?
Speak to school make sure their family support is speaking with your friend ?