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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To become a respite fosterer

19 replies

SentientCushion · 08/05/2017 11:19

Hello,

Me and DH have no desire of having children of our own but we have always wanted to be a foster carers.
We have always been putting it off as something to do 'in the future' but it seems the future might be now. We have a spare room and no children of our own and life is stable.

I really want to do it but I am terrified by all the horror stories you hear, we have such a lovely life and are concerned we might be being nieve to think that we can help. Neither of us have are carer experience and are hoping that patience and love will be enough.
I think for me an ideal situation would to do respite fostering for the same children at regular intervals and be able to build a relationship with them but is that just pie in the sky thinking?
Someone said to me the other day that children who are fostered are fostered for a reason so they are all damaged and though I really don't want to believe that maybe I'm just being nieve in thinking that we can make it work. I know it will be hard but I don't want to be putting myself in a horrendous situation.

Is anyone who fosters able to tell me if I'm being unreasonable to want to foster?

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 08/05/2017 11:25

YANBU but I'm not a foster carer. I think you can also be a sort of "reception foster carer" like...an emergency carer.

So you're on call as it were and when a child or children are removed from their home or perhaps if they only have one parent and that parent is unwell, then you would be the place they'd be brought to.

It's a very important role...I wish I could do it. x

Crowdblundering · 08/05/2017 11:26

My friend who also chose not to have children does this she loves it and now has long term placements.

BastardBloodAndSand · 08/05/2017 11:27

You can do respite fostering for children and young adults who are severely disabled to give their parents a break...... If that's what you're considering then go for it as.there's a massive shortage. Make sure it's for the right reasons though and dot expect it to be easy.

hibbledobble · 08/05/2017 11:30

Are you thinking of respite caring for disabled children? If so is your home suitable/could it be adapted?

Fostering is a wonderful thing to do and there is a huge shortage. Call your local council, they will have an initial information evening where you can find out more and have your questions answered without any need to commit.

TeenAndTween · 08/05/2017 11:34

There is a Fostering board here under 'Becoming a parent' which may provide you with valuable information.

If you contact your LA they may have an open evening to give information (they do this for adopters). So you may be able to get more of an idea on what kind of children need respite foster care.

Fosterers do a tremendous job whether as long term, emergency or respite.

deadringer · 08/05/2017 11:39

Do it! I am a foster mum (not in the UK) and i love it. I think if its something you always wanted to do you should put yourself forward, you can change your mind at any time if you discover its not for you. We are long term now but we have had a few short term and respite placements in the past and its not true that all children in care are 'damaged'. Sure it can be hard work and we have had our share of heartbreak but its the most rewarding thing we have ever done. At the very least make enquiries about it, you won't regret it.

ElsieMc · 08/05/2017 11:49

Mixed here. A colleague gave up because he became heart broken returning children to certain homes and felt he could no longer cope. He did it for many years so there must have been a time it was rewarding for them.

I am a grandparent carer but before my circumstances changed, myself and dh asked to be assessed for foster care. I made three appointments with the sw and arranged for my children to be present and each time she rang after she was meant to be here to cancel. On the third occasion, I told her not to call again.

This may sound harsh, but I had already been warned that the area in which we live offered extremely poor support to foster carers. My MP's office were looking at several cases where there have been issues between childrens'services and foster carers.

I think you should perhaps move on with the process and get yourself assessed. You will then have the opportunity speak to others about their experiences. You have also had positive reports on here.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 08/05/2017 11:51

What's a grandparent carer?

OP posts:

Crowdblundering · 08/05/2017 11:52

If you are serious about it I would recommend undertaking some training or at least reading up on attachment disorders.

TeenAndTween · 08/05/2017 11:54

FCs will be trained by the LA or whoever they work for.

A 'grandparent carer' I suspect is a grandparent with full time care for their grandchildren for whatever reason.

Crowdblundering · 08/05/2017 11:56

Attachment training is not included in generic foster care training (I also work for the LA and have a lot of contact with foster carers and LAC.

TheDonald · 08/05/2017 12:16

I'm a respite (short break) carer. I have had the same child once a month and she's now part of the family.

Our set up is unusual in that she doesn't have any disabilities or additional needs but her main carers have other caring responsibilities. In our LA foster carers can usually only access respite if there are additional needs.

I love it and it works for all of us. I work full time and have an older dd.

I think the more experience you have with children and teens the better although you don't have to be a parent to get that.

It can be tricky separating out the normal stages of development with behaviour caused by attachment issues or anxiety.

Also it's understandable to be nervous about "damaged" children but that damage can come out in lots of ways and with the right support can be dealt with.

I've dealt with things like bedwetting, comfort eating and anxiety but those are to be expected I think

GinGeum · 08/05/2017 12:26

Sorry to hijack OP, but TheDonald the kind of care you offer sounds really ideal for our situation. I would love us to be foster carers in the future, but at the moment I'm not sure we can commit to having a child with us full time for a set period. What do I need to look into to see if we would be suitable?

tigerskinrug · 08/05/2017 12:35

I think respite care for children with disabilities and fostering are quite different?

Givemeabreak01 · 08/05/2017 12:49

Hi...

I wanted to say respite is a brilliant idea.... you can do varying options with fostering... full time... respite (which is weekends set by you and the full time carer).... short breaks (which is placement from birth parents they need a break).... or emergency placements.... we do respite we currently do 1 2"weekend a month we never had children when we started (though we do now) we've had the same kids coming regularly for the last 6 years....! There are many reasons children are in foster care they are not all damaged! Hope that helps!

tigerskinrug · 08/05/2017 12:53

Just to add that in my LA respite caring (for children with disabilities) is a voluntary activity, rather than paid.

TheDonald · 08/05/2017 13:01

Hi Gin

The first thing to check is whether your LA or neighbouring ones do offer respite, and are they recruiting just for respite? It tends to be lower priority when budgets are tight.

From what I know you need a spare room. You need to not have any convictions and they prefer you to foster children younger than your youngest birth child if you have one. (this rule goes out the window once you're approved ime)

Other than that I don't think there's anything that would prevent you.

I know people who do respite for children who live with parents but have additional needs eg autism or physical disabilities. They have a lovely relationship with the child.

DisorderedAllsorts · 08/05/2017 13:01

What experience do you have with children, bearing in mind that a lot of the kids you will foster will have many additional and complex needs. If you really want to do this then I would suggest that you volunteer at a special school/unit/charity for children with complex needs first. So you're fully aware of the issues and types of children that you are dealing with. Then if you both can handle it then consider fostering but please get practical experience first. Your intentions are admirable if not a little naive.

Original poster

SentientCushion · 08/05/2017 13:31

I don't mind doing it in a voluntary position. Are all children that need short term/respite disabled? I was under the impression that you could not take disabled children (not ruling it out in the future but it's a bit overwhelming to start).
I've never had experience as a carer but I have an adopted brother with complex needs who is now in full time physchiatric care. I know this is different though. Also when I was little my Mam did emergency nightstops for women and children fleeing domestic violence before they could be placed in a refuge, again it's obviously different because I was a child. I also used to babysit a boy with alcohol featul syndrome when I was a teenager, I babysat him every other Saturday and would take him to school every wednesday. He was very hard work but also great.
I appreciate that non of this experience is the same as having a child in your home when you are the responsible adult.

OP posts:

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