To ask for help desperately in speaking to school

[Shockedandhopeless]

Need advice for how to approach school.

Dd is not in school today.

Basically regarding a previous post I made.

In September dd started a 14 plus studio school. She has sen and had struggled with bullying but she finally found where she fit in and loved it.

A new girl started school a few weeks ago. She is a bit troubled from what I can gather and also has some SEN as does my dd. Dd has made friends with her.

The girl has been burning herself and rubbing her skin with scissors until it marked. I'm led to believe Mum knows about this and certainly some other kids do. I've seen proof the girl is doing it. Dd said the girl has been on and on at her about this,how she does it, that it makes you feel less stressed, that it makes you feel better when teachers annoy you and that when someone's stressed her she goes to the bathroom to do it. The girl has also allegedly been continually going on about suicide to my child and also asked my daughter if she should sit in the road to get hit by a car on the way to the bus station at home time and has run in the road shouting suicide.

Dd has learning difficulties and has greatly struggled socially, she is desperate to fit in and have a best friend.

Unfortunately the repeated discussion of self harm description from the girl resulted in dd feeling pressurised to scratch her own arm with a compass thankfully very lightly! She has said she was worried the girl would not be her friend if she didn't do it and she just wanted her to stop going on and on about it and thought if she did it the girl would stop talking about it.

In response to the girl apparently constantly going on at school about suicide and moaning about her Mum in what I can only presume is some sort of attempt to fit in dd had started making up silly lies to the girl and texting to empathise with her including saying she wanted to kill herself because she had no friends in school before this girl started and everyone said she was weird (not true) or that she wanted to walk in front of a car because I was starting a course I'm not even doing. Again dd has said she said these silly things because the girl kept moaning about her Mum at school and her life and she thought moaning too would make her stop.
Unfortunately the other girl was ever enough to keep most of it off text. Dd wasn't...

I have also become aware of dd being encouraged to behave silly in class which is massively out of character and a teacher separating them in class.

As you can imagine this has come as a huge shock. In the last month I have gone from a happy girl with great friends who finally found where she fit in to this! While dd has struggled with bullying in the past we have never had anything like this. I am also very concerned that the girl is clearly very influenced by this girl and has separated from her other friends.

I'm obviously very worried that this will continue if she remains at the school or worse and just be hidden better and concerned about dds obvious lack of ability to keep herself safe in school in situations like this, tell a staff member or make the right choices in school while influenced by others. In addition to this I am aware she has been meeting up with the girl in town before and after school which carries its own worries. I'm not saying dd is entirely blameless about this, I am very cross and concerned about the lies and if I'm honest completely horrified about how quickly she's got wrapped up with all this hence I will be speaking to the GP and young minds today and she has had her phone removed.

Dd is also now scared to go back in to school when she is better as she has told someone and scared how the girl will react. It is a very small school so no getting away from her.

I'm guessing this will trigger safeguarding for both girls, possible social services contact?

Dd has not gone in today and has had repeated missed calls and texts already from the girl.

Would you send her back or move?
How would you approach school?

Should say that dd is clearly influenced by the girl.

I haven't read your other post but I do think you need to make an appointment to speak to the pastoral lead in the school. Yes, from what you've said it sounds like a safeguarding issue but that's not automatically SS referral.

But school can only help if they know what is going on.

Tell the school what you have just told us. Hope you find a way to work through this.

Oh gosh op as the mother of a child with Sen yes you should absolutly talk to the school, they have to be aware for safe guarding issues.
It is so hard when they are lacking friends and feeling that they don't fit in coupled with the lack of social ability to see right from wrong. You not only need to protect your saunter but the other girl too.

Talk talk and talk till your blue in the face to your dd about why this behaviour is wrong and keep her away from other child until you know it's being addressed but other mum needs to know too so she can start to help the other girl.

The School conversation is a must and urgently
Good luck you must be out of your mind with worry 💐

Oh poor you what a very stressful situation. I certainly think keeping her at home for a few days. If nothing else just to calm down what sounds like an escalating situation. Be very careful with her having feee access to her phone and Internet at the moment. Your DD is obviously under a lot of pressure from this girl at the moment and it's your job to try and hold it at bay for her...... as she won't have the maturity or will power.
I would make appointment to see school. Try and work with them initially as hopefully they know your DD and will also be able to see the change since this girl has joined. See what they suggest but to be honest it will ultimately fall to you to go with your instincts to protect your child. The school have to please all parties and have responsibilities to both children. But ultimately be strong..... your are right this is a very dangerous relationship for your daughter and you could be at a sort of crossroads. YANBU to want to protect your daughter at whatever cost! I'm sure more support will be along shortly but I'm here for you Xx

Daughter not saunter sorry bloody auto correct!

I'd be calling the school to arrange a meeting with someone such as a form tutor or pastoral support.
You've got to be completely open with the school to get all the support for both of them. It sounds as though the new girl is very troubled.

I think you probably need to take the safeguarding route. The friend plainly isn't getting the right support for her needs and they need to be aware of the true impact of this on both girls. Can you speak to whoever is in charge of safeguarding at school asap and maybe email an edited copy of your OP over so they have the facts as you know them.
I think you need to give them a chance to sort this out.

Dd has had her phone removed.
At the minute she just thinks she is being punished for being bullied she doesn't understand how dangerous what she's done is which is more scary!

The school failed safeguarding including Ofsted saying they could not guarantee the safety of children which makes it worse although safeguarding has been ramped up as a result.

I have got the op wrote in email form to go off to the senco already.

AH crap - sorry Shocked, I don't have a whole heap of advice but I think you might as well just say what you've said in your OP to the school. I think your OP is very clear and articulate (and of course you'll have used names in your copy to the SENCO) - are you copying it in to the Headteacher as well?

I think you're wise to keep her off school for now, and taking her to the GP for assessment is a very good plan. Maybe the GP, if sympathetic, will sign her off for you until this can be resolved.

for you - it's a tough one. x

Perhaps they will go to town on the safeguarding them as an attempt to demonstrate they are capable.
Hope you get some action from them.

Thanks the biggest part I am struggling with from a schools perspective is I'm not sure how it would move on. It's a tiny school, there's only one class in certain subjects, they would be together every day. This girl knows where she catches the bus, knows which bus she gets and the girl meets up with people from her old school near school at home time including the child who she so called left her old school due to bullying from.

I'm terrified of putting dd in that situation.

I don't know what they can do but I think they have to come up with something pretty sharpish.
You have flagged up these pressure points in your email I assume.

Of course exploded.

I've sent the email to senco

I've spoken to Young Minds who feel this is a case of an sen child desperate to fit in being controlled/bullied and potentially groomed into behaving in the same way rather than dd herself having a MH issue outside sen.

That sounds reasonable from YM. My dd has ASD and there is in her a longing to have friends. It's a worry.

I Agree exploded.

Do you think I would be unreasonable to ask that if dd does return there she is allowed to leave earlier than the other child. To get her to the bus station and on a bus before the other girl comes out?

I think that would be worth asking, yes. I'm sure I saw someone on here talking about collecting a dc early routinely to avoid a meltdown from crowds.
My only worry would be ensuring she gets on that earlier bus! Are there any other transport options?

Sadly not as I don't drive.
I had a message at 1pm saying they were looking into it and would contact me.