is it unreasonable to want a s**g...?

[keeplaughing]

sick of not having sex, dh does't want sex with me should i go get it elsewhere???? ps am going to relate now, and dh saying we're trying to sort it but not saying much else. FGS need some loving....

does he really not want to? Why doesn't he?

I sympathise, but if you do want to save your marriage then no, of course you shouldn't go and get it elsewhere. If you want to go and get it elsewhere, and that's your priority - split up with him first. Make your mind up.

Relate is a good idea, but may take a while for his real reason/excuse to surface, but at least through relate you can both talk it through without confrontation.
I'd suspect it's more to do with his own personal self-esteem than simply not fancying you, would that be possible?

thanx for being there, just don't know what to do. says he doesn't find me sexually attractive now but am so sad and need him to want me. want to cry

You sound really lonely , does he know how you feel? It's not just about sex, it's about closeness and love and feeling loved - "getting it elsewhere" isn't going to give you that. How soon is the Relate appointment? Can you talk to your dh about how you feel?

all he has said is that it's not his fault how he's feeling but that now we're talking to s.o. else he feels more positive. but have tried so hard to be strong for so long now am tired with it. just feeling sad now, how long can i keep up for?

You just answered your own question love!

You NEED him...

Golden rule - don't be too needy... he's "gotta wanna" and you may find this an excellent place to start finding some answers out for yourself...

Surrendered Wife it's controversial but I'd give it a go, what have you got to lose?

Don't cry, get proactive.

Good luck!

x

It sounds as though he feels defensive, so if you try to tell him how low you feel he just feels accused. I don't kow, could you get out for an evening together and just try and talk to him gently about how much you miss being close to him, withouti t having to be anyone's fault? I think if it all comes down to the nuts and bolts of "you don't want to shag me, WHY NOT, what's WRONG with me/you/us", blokes tend to just shut down emotionally.

And for God's sake don't touch that Surrendered Wife nonsense with a bargepole NOTHING is worth that much.

FWIW keeplaughing, the "I don't find you sexually attractive.." bit is undoubtedly a self-defensive gambit. He has some issues of his own that he is struggling with (could be hte self-esteem bit?) and it is becoming manifest in his sexual confidence.

I know that sounds like a bit of an over-statement from little evidence, but it is a fairly commonly observed experience. His tastes in sexual things will not have changed sooo much that you are no longer attractive.

Au contraire - it's not about surrendering at all but about empowering yourself in a relationship without being manipulative.
It works.

thanx , yes, not prone usually to being sorry for self but funny dynamics probably, am needy (need lovin) but also indepedent, earn gd money etc. shit wot a mess

Frontal lobotomies "work" too.

Personally I'd rather have a bottle a'front o' me

Surrendered Wife?

Crumbs. Stepford comes to mind, but perhaps that's knee-jerk........

I'm with you on that one!

DH would piss himself laughing if I started any of that surrendered wife claptrap. And then he would just get a bit bored and pissed off.

Pann, explain this to me, don't understand, how does his self esteem manifest in him not wanting to have sex / make love to me?

I read Surrendered Single when I was a single mum and being WAY-TOO needy with guys.

It was a last resort and I hated the title and still do, but it's a true case of don't judge a book by it's cover. Some really useful, truthful stuff in there about things we do as women which are all wrong and how to improve yourself.

Just stating my opinion (freedom of speech and all that).

Anyway, that book changed my life completely, so don't rule it out eh??

to do with how he sees himself in relation to the rest of the world in general. eg, if his confidence has taken a knock, or self-esteem gets compromised over time (can be loads of ways where S.E. gets eroded), one questions abilities/confidence in lots of areas of life,andas a society we do put ALOT of expectation/pressure on 'performance'...if he is the sort of bloke who isn't used to ventilating on stuff he feels/fears, then it builds up internally, and becomes manifest in sense of 'worthlessness'.

That is 5-min version, and others may disagree/add to it. But sex happens in hte head aswe know, and if the head isn't happy/comfortable, sex is unlikely to follow. Not you being unattractive.

Well said Pann

thnx, (lots) hope you're there tomorrow, need to get sensible head on now for tomorrow morning so going to bed now. relate tomorrow too. how do i stop needing s.o. i love??