Don't like my friend's husband

[TooTiredAgain]

Wasn't sure where to put this - there is not a category for friendships?

This would not be an issue were it not for the fact that my friend seems obsessed with organising 'couples' get togethers, particularly at weekends. She often invites us to dinner or outings. We went to dinner once, but then she was hinting A LOT about us inviting them round, in a kind of annoyed way.

The thing is, we don't like her DH. I think he is a sexist bully. When they moved house he took her name off the mortgage because she was no longer contributing to the household (she initially gave up her job to have kids). She does not have access to 'his' money and has to ask for it. She does a bit of part-time work sometimes because she needs clothes, etc, and said she is 'fed up of beng skint', even though he is loaded. They live in a remote area and said he would not buy her another car when hers packs up (its on its last legs). She constantly talks about how he has to 'put up with her' (I guess that's how he makes her feel), and mentions spiteful things he has said to her.

When we see him he is moody, keeps his head down and hardly talks. My DH finds it really difficult to chat with him and does not want to socialise with him.

I told her that meeting at weekends is not ideal for us as we like family time alone. However, she hears that we meet other couples sometimes at weekends and I don't know how long I can keep putting them off. I enjoy our time together when we meet without the men, but I really don't look forward to seeing her DH. She is also very defensive about him if she whiffs that you disapprove of his behaviour so I stay clear of that topic.

Could you try flipping it around and saying in some way that you get the impression he doesn't enjoy your company? To make her think about his behaviour? Rather than having to spell it out.
I know in an ideal world we would all just tell it like it is, but realistically most people don't want to.

Just bat back about girly outings - meet for a drink or meal - see what she says

Be breezy 'OH DH needs so time with the kids - how about meetings t X for coffee?

It sounds like she is in an abusive relationship and is also in denial about it. She is trying to create the nice times she is craving with her husband by inviting you round.

She is defensive because she can't allow herself to question his behaviour. He has demolished her self esteem and she believes that his abuse is her own fault.

Try hard to support her and make sure she knows that you really value her friendship because she is a wonderful, worthwhile person. Also, makes sure she knows that she can count on you for somewhere safe to go any time, day or night without judgement.

I wouldn't want to be around him either. He sounds very controlling and abusive. She needs support. Could you two just meet up without her DH?

If you told her that you don´t care for her husbands behaviour, but that you would like very much to see her on her own, do you think that she would want to meet up after the initial defensive reaction to the criticism of him? It sounds like she needs a good friend and maybe it is no bad thing for her to hear that her DH´s behaviour is not normal and is not acceptable to other people?

I'm in the same situation. I've devised girly week nights and sometimes another couple of girls get involved. I ask her regularly whether she wants to do girly things - shopping, tapas after work etc. (When I'm working in my regular office, were only 10mins from one another).

Her boyfriend is a complete arsehole, my DH particularly will not entertain him, especially at ours. It has been awkward when we've had BBQs which they have come to and he has got completely shitfaced in front of our friends and been foul.

I think deep down she knows we don't like him, I don't want to say anything because he seems abusive and I don't want to lose her as I'm the only one she speaks to about him.

I would be the shoulder and encourage as many girls nights as you can.

Took her name off/did not include her name when they moved? The reason being she does not contribute cold hard cash? Surely that alone is financial/emotional abuse? She is looking after their (his too!) children. Discussion time I would say.
You sound like a good friend and when the penny drops she will need you!

Sounds like she is desperate for the company of friends because he is so awful to her when they are alone. And he is probably being so rude with you amd your DH so you no longer want to socialise with them and therefore she is alienated from her friends. Sounds like your friend needs your help and support

Sounds like she is crying out for some normality. It's clearly an abusive relationship (and that's just on the basis of what she is willing to tell you). Depends how good a friend she is really. For a close friend I would bite the bullet and have the evening out. Then you can demonstrate what a normal relationship looks like. If she's not that close then I'd just go for it and say that I found her DH "difficult". But then I'm a bit gobby like that.

I actually think I would tell her what the problem is if she asks. Poor woman this is a horrible story. She needs to know his behaviour is not normal. I would hold go out every now and then with them though for her sake.

She needs your support. And especially she needs to know the implication of being taken off the mortgage. I was not on the mortgage when my husband died (in spite of providing the deposit and actually paying the mortgage in full for a long time... long story, doesn't matter why all these things happened). What happened was when he died I LOST MY HOUSE. The mortgage company called in the loan. They would not remortgage to me. This is incredibly serious. This woman needs help and advice, not dinner parties.

sorry what happeed widow but technically they can still reposseess even if ops friend name is on the mortgage if she cant afford it or hedoesnt hav life insurance to cover the payment

He's clearly financially abusive at the very least.

In a completely different context, one of my sister's best friends avoids couples things with my sister, as neither she nor her DH can stand my BIL. I know this because I'm pretty good friends with the friend too and she confided in me as she knows I don't like him either.

Because she feels like she can't be honest with my sis, my sis thinks that friend doesn't like her anymore, which I think is worse than knowing someone doesn't like your DH. I've hinted to sis that it may her DH rather than her, and that the friend was honest in the past about not liking him.

So I think what I'm saying is that, while it may be difficult to tell her you have some issues with her DH's behaviour, that's less painful than her thinking it's her. And frankly, it might be good for her to know that others can see his awful behaviour.

I could pay the mortgage no problem. They were ruthless. So I realise there may be different circumstances, but best to avoid the problems at source. Give yourself a bit of time to sort things out, and so on. You cannot know when the end will hit you, seriously. There is just no need for this situation.

Ahh god. Poor woman. I feel really sorry for her.

He sounds like an dick and no wonder you don't want to do 'couple' things.

As pp's have said, encourage her to meet with you alone under the guise of a girls get together.

Mention you're not sure her bloke likes spending time in your company. She may just open up to you.

I totally get this. I have a dear friend who is lovely from her toes to the tip of her head but her husband is a complete tosser. I can't stand to hear his whining baby-like constant demanding jabber, his stream of consciousness commentary on his life minute by minute, his demanding to be relayed telephone conversations in real time so he can take part even though the call is not for him, and so on, forever. He is utterly bloody insufferable, is a wheeler-dealer and screws around but she has stayed with him for a reason I have been unable to fathom for 20 years. So, yes, I get where you are coming from 100%.

He might not allow her out on her own with other females. This may be her only opportunity to keep any friendship alive.
Drop off a discreet card with MN and women's aid details on it?

It is shocking how many women there are in these abusive relationships.

I also have someone in an abusive relationship and some of the abuse is rubbing off to me. He uses up her money and then I am expected to provide more money. I have survived abuse myself but she will not listen to me. I am not prepared to finance another sponging man but female cant see that either.
I tried girls only trips out to shops etc but as soon as he texted she was off even if we were waiting to be served in food places. Even the DC has to fit round this man. I would like to face him down myself but she protects him.
There are so many resources now compared to years ago but I do know that women did leave husbands in the 1930s even when they had children.
The choice is either educate women to know when they are being abused or make the penalties for being an abuser far more effective.
I may sound brutal but it is much harder to watch those we care about being in bad relationships than it is to be there ourselves.

Sounds like my relationship with my ex. You don't have to invite him out of guilt. It's OK to say that he has said x/y/z, was rude on blah occasion.
Open up about your dislike for his behaviour make it clear you enjoy her company as long as it's true.

When they moved house he took her name off the mortgage because she was no longer contributing to the household

Did she tell you that? That isn't how mortgages work.

I have a similar situation with my best friend and her partner. They don't live together and I dread the day they buy a house/get married. My DH is so laid back and accepting but even he can't stand him.

The only way I get around it is to meet her separately. Very occasionally we see him but it is usually when there is a group of other people around. The last time she suggested dinner for four I was very evasive. I really just want to tell her we can't stand him but I can't!

Because she obviously needs support, and friendship, fib to her that you can have enough of going out as a couple, and want to mainly merry as friend, maybe dayy that way you cab "talk properly" ( I never get the s same level of connection with my female friends if it's in a couple situation, I'm not alone in that in sure). If you value her friendship, make sure she knows.
You can also hint that her husband doesn't seen to enjoy your company.

Ugh. I get where you're coming from. DH had a friend who was a horrible, misogynistic shit who constantly slagged off his girlfriends when he was out with us. I just refused to go out with them after the first couple of times.

Fortunately, he and DH are no longer friends (partly because of his attitude) so it's not an issue any more. I did stay in touch with his former GF because she is a nice person and even she now says she can't believe how much of a cunt he turned into after their relationship became serious.

Tell her he's a knob and you don't like him because he is rude when you do meet up.