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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he not pulling his weight?

16 replies

Beachballsforme · 06/05/2017 18:05

I need to know your thoughts on whether I am BU division of labour in our house. I'll try to give all facts so as not to drip feed..... DD is one and I have just gone back to work after maternity leave.
I work 25 hours a week over 4 days - 2 full & 2 half. One full day at the office, the rest from home. DH works part time too, 3 long days of around 12-15 hours in a different city and sleeps onsite at his place of work. So he is away from home Monday eve - Thursday eve.
He looks after DD one day while I work, then she is in nursery the other days. We don't have any help from family. DH has in the past suffered from depression and has a few hobbies that help him feel ok. He has one full day per week to himself to do one of these hobbies. Since I went back to work, I have been incredibly busy, I get up at 6am, do the morning stuff, nursery run, work, clean, cook, shop etc etc. I put DD to bed by myself during the week, then work for 3-4 hours each evening. When he is at home DH does garden & house stuff, is good with DD, but I have only ever had one social afternoon to myself. I do (and have always done) every night feed/wake.
Weekends are the time all 3 of us are together. Today we had a huge argument as I took DD swimming to give him more time alone as he was feeling tired after a difficult work week (bearing in mind I'm completely shattered and still getting used to being back at work) When I got back, the house was a tip, washing needed sorting, all he had done was been in the bath and watched a football game. I tried to explain why I was annoyed & said I'd appreciate more support at home. He generally wants to sit at home and do nothing at the weekend to rest, but doesn't really understand you can't do that with a one year old. He called me a b*tch for asking for more help....

AIBU to expect more help than this? What do your DH's do? Am I a mug? Please be aware DH can't always do what others might due to recurring bouts of depression. He gets tired and needs time alone or can get very down. But I don't feel I can go on doing what I feel is everything at home and with DD. I yearn for a balanced family life where I actually get some time to myself.

OP posts:
crumpetsandcoffee · 06/05/2017 18:09

Well it wouldn't hurt him if he stuck a load of washing in would it! Your dh is BU. You both work but yet you seem to do all the child care and house work. Not sure what would work but a list when I had to go out used to help ?

thethoughtfox · 06/05/2017 18:10

If he was tired and needed some alone time, that's what he took. Cleaning etc isn't really alone, chill out time ( although women usually manage it!)

Original poster
Beachballsforme · 06/05/2017 18:14

Yeah that's a fair point thethoughtfox... I guess I'm thinking of the general situation. I shouldn't have been annoyed at him for doing what he said!
Thanks crumpets - that sounds a good idea x

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/05/2017 18:21

Since when is 3 12-15 hour shifts where you sleep on site working part-time?

Angelicinnocent · 06/05/2017 18:21

I did all the night stuff and all the childcare type stuff like bath time and bedtime even after I'd gone back to work but my dh did all the housework except cooking. He just admitted he was crap at getting up. Tbh I got the better deal cos my DC are teenagers now but old habits, he still does most of the housework 😁

Bizzysocks · 06/05/2017 18:24

He doesn't work part time if he works up to 45 hours a week. What do you do on your half days? is dd in nursery? You do a lot of work in the evening is this additional to the 25hours you get paid for? if so you need to talk to work about reducing your work load or being paid for the hours you do.

If you took dd swimming so he could rest YABU to have a go at him for resting.

Redredredrose · 06/05/2017 18:24

I appreciate how annoying it must feel, but I do think that, if your partner has some kind of long-term illness, where mental or physical, you must accept that they won't always be able to pull their full weight.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/05/2017 18:26

DH works part time too, 3 long days of around 12-15 hours in a different city and sleeps onsite at his place of work.

^^ this is NOT part time work. It's a full time job with condensed hours. This is not restful (unless he works in a hotel and can borrow a bed), where is he actually sleeping?

I work 25 hours a week over 4 days - 2 full & 2 half. One full day at the office, the rest from home.

You are at home 6 days a week?

You have between 11 and 20 MORE hours free than your partner depending on whether he is working 12 or 15 hours a day. This is where YOU pick up the excess of running the house and child care. That is what is fair.

Original poster
Beachballsforme · 06/05/2017 18:31

Ok thanks, to clarify... I work 'from home' but generally out at meetings. I certainly can't do any house work during my working hours. On my half days I take DD to activities the morning and she does nursery in the afternoon. The only time she is in nursery is when I'm working.
The extra hours I do at night are in addition to my 25 hours.
DH work has sleeping facilities.

OP posts:
JennyOnAPlate · 06/05/2017 19:05

Yanbu to expect more help. When both parents are at home child care and housework are split 50/50 imo. He needs to pull his finger out.

Trifleorbust · 06/05/2017 19:10

He shouldn't be calling you a bitch.

Trifleorbust · 06/05/2017 19:16

Plus it sounds like you're running round like a blue arsed fly, while he gets a day a week to himself. Not sure why there are so many posts criticising you.

MummyMuppet2x2 · 06/05/2017 19:20

I think you've answered all your own questions in your first post OP, as well as in your responses to other posters.

Have a re-read of what you've said Smile

It sounds like things reached a head and you finally snapped. On another day you probably would've swallowed hard and toughed it out as usual. But there comes a point....

It sounds to me like you are both trying your best, but you need more help dealing with all this. You said the family don't help, but could they? Med help for depression?

Twentyten2010 · 06/05/2017 19:23

If you don't take time out for yourself, you'll burn out and end up tired and depressed too.

Does your DH need a block of time to himself every weekend? Could you split this, so that he has one weekend block

Twentyten2010 · 06/05/2017 19:25

Sorry, pressed return too soon! So that you have one weekend block of three/four hours and he has the same the following week? I agree that weekends are family time but that doesn't necessarily have to be both of you.

Twentyten2010 · 06/05/2017 19:27

However - there needs to be an agreement that 'chilling' time (if you're the one at home) is NOT for tidying the house. DH took DS out last Sunday and I desperately wanted to read my book but felt guilty so ended up hoovering and washing so not the restful few hours that I wanted or needed.

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