To go NC with only parent

[Ilikecheeriosyum]

I've name changed, regular poster.

I don't know what to do. My only parent is really bringing me down and dh thinks I should cut ties as when we have children he refuses to let them see how I get treated.

I left home at a young age as did my siblings because our parent was a nightmare. Shouting, passive aggressive comments, silent treatment, breaking things when angry, selling our belongings.

As a result I have horrible confidence issues, doubt myself constantly and have a real fear of shouting and confrontation.

Since I left home they have made no effort to visit in years, even when I've offered to pick them up and drop them off. It's excuse after excuse that don't seem to apply to other people.

So I go and visit, they even stopped me from visiting if I asked at too short notice.

When I really needed them they were there but openly resentful.

Now I'm going through a really difficult time and I got that I was doing the wrong thing and that no one helped them when they needed help,
Which isn't true at all, I've helped emotionally and financially and any way I could.

Dh and friends are worried that I'm going through the same cycle again and again of running after them because they're my only parent and I'm desperate for their approval.

They think I should go minimal to no contact.

I'm stuck and don't know how to make this better. I feel like I should try but they scare me and I feel if I point out their behaviour they will get angry and it'll be horrible.

Any advice? Thanks!

Go low contact. You don't owe them anything and it's not worth it if you think they'll get angry and horrible.

My DF has been an ok/a bit useless at times parent. I recently called him up on something for the first time and he went nuts.

I've learnt that we have the relationship with our children that we deserve. It's difficult potentially ending up NC with a parent but you sound like you have a DH and friends who love you. Focus on them and work on rebuilding your confidence. (hugs)

Your DH and friends are right. Go NC. When you have no contact (or very low contact) then you are never in situations with the person where you feel scared because you are never in any situations.

When you have built yourself up to normal self esteem and healthy attitudes to confrontation then you could consider getting back in contact.

Can you afford to get some therapy?

I have been through therapy, for something else, but my parent came up, but I'm concerned they weren't completely professional, they said they could "see" that I'd been abused in the past by my complete lack of confidence and the way I spoke and held myself?

I wasn't sure if that was a bad thing to say? We had a few sessions,
But his suggestion was to communicate with them the way it made me feel and see her response and I didn't feel able to I was too frightened, so our sessions couldn't really go anywhere.

I'm so sad they make me feel so small and like a child again so much I don't feel like I can say "when you do this I feel like this" because I know they will turn it round and tell me its my fault and THEY actually feel that way too, contrary my behaviour.

I am sure your prediction of her reaction is correct. It is how my mother would react. It is pointless.

How often are you in contact with her now?

I agree, low or no contact is the way to go.

I don't think you should try and point out how awful their behaviour is. Your parent isn't stupid, if they wanted to be nice to you, they would. They are choosing to be horrible.

You can't change their behaviour, but you can change yours. You can give yourself space. Let your DH and friends support you.

I visit them once a week, and they text me some time in the week, if I haven't text them.

They recently complained I don't text them enough. (having recently got back into full time work)

So I could cut back, but I'm unsure how to go about stopping the routine, am I honest or do I make excuses like I'm busy?
would that be just accepting their behaviour or do I just protect myself because they'll never change?

I've already stopped supporting them financially, and they really let me know how much they're struggling,
They ask other family members for money and seem to treat them much better as they are their source of income.

You protect yourself. Always.

If you can, try and imagine that a friend of yours (or a poster here) is in your situation. You can see they don't deserve the treatment they're getting, you can see how unfair if it.

For your routine, I would really advise against being straight forward and honest about it. That isn't going to work with them. So you don't text. They text you, you leave it a while (how quickly do you respond? If within minutes, leave it an hour or so). Reply vaguely (i.e oh I've been busy. I'm fine).

Miss a visit. Dc has a birthday party / you're doing overtime or just say you can't come this weekend. Start doing this periodically so you see them less and less.

I'm hoping that with the distance, you'll realise how much it helps and you will be ready to go lower contact or decide if no contact will work for you.

I always go with a vague "busy" excuse.

Seeing them less could be quite easy seeing as they refuse to come to you. You are busy busy, hard to come over. Invite them for Sunday lunch. They refuse. Job done.

I wouldn't worry too much, they'll might lose interest in you soon because of the money. Right now they are probably hoping to win you over into subsidising them again, when they realise you won't they might put all their effort into other people.