To expect my ex husband to STOP making digs at me?

[showtime7]

Long story cut short:
I left my ex husband 6 years ago. He was not a bad husband - I met someone else who I fell in love with and it highlighted how I did not love my husband how I should do. We split, he was very upset. I moved out, rented, and bought a house eventually after we sold our marital home and it fit in with him. We have always shared custody of our son who spends very regular time with both of us. Financially, I came out a lot worse. He threatened to make life very difficult if I were to pursue things like his pension and I did not pursue anything. I came off worse financially. He does not give me child maintenance BUT this was agreed because our son still spends regular time with his dad.

I remained single for a year after we split and I got together with the man I fell in love with months after. We are still together now and very happy.

Over the years my ex HAS become far more reasonable and friendly on a day to day basis if we ever need to make contact. He refuses to acknowledge my partner and I think he always will. He has had relationships since we split but they haven't lasted. So whats the problem??
The problem is how SHIT he makes me feel sometimes. We obviously don't have to see each other hardly at all but at times we do, for instance, at our son's college parents' evenings, at a funeral when we had a mutual friend etc. And when we do see each other he makes digs all of the time. This morning I had to see him because we were sorting out something to do with our son. I had just eaten some toast and had a crumb on my shirt. He shook his head and said that he wondered how I managed in life. Another comment centred around the lines of 'I hope our son doesn't turn out like you'. He mentioned a young girl who we both know is pregnant. I said that she seemed very focussed on becoming a mum and then he made a comment like 'yes, until she has a mid-life crisis'. These do not sound like much, but every one has an underlying tone to it - he was basically insinuating that I had left him due to a mid-life crisis.

I have a highly paid job in management, and am currently studying for my masters. I am dropping that in to make the point that I manage very very well in life. My ex just seems to have this need to make me into some kind of dysfunctional woman who bumbles through life. He couldn't be further from the truth. AIBU to expect that this should not happen? A 'friend' said that I should expect it because I left him! How do I snuff it out? I have a feeling that if I snapped back he would become nasty and I do NOT want our son to feel that his parents can't get on. Help.

He is doing it to hurt you, if you get hurt then he wins. Ignore. He may keep doing it, he may not, the only thing you get to control is how you react to it. In your shoes I would choose not to react at all. I would choose not to care. I would decide his opinion of me was irrelevant to my life.

He probably hurts still a lot. Plus you've got a good job and a new partner and he's left with co-parenting. It's probably hard not to be bitter when he thinks you've probably come out of things quite well.

I'd ignore it. He wants to hurt you like you've hurt him. Having it out with him probably won't solve anything.

While I understand that he's upset you left him, I'd be more upset than you seem to be about his not paying maintenance.

Do you have exactly 50:50 custody so that bit is even, but if so who pays for school uniform, clothes, holidays, hobbies, school fees, health insurance if appropriate?

I'm not sure why you're surprised about this? Obviously a lot of people manage these situations better and are able to be mature but it's really not unusual for someone to be a bit hung up on an ex partner who rejected/hurt them and to want to undermine the ex'a happiness and success without them - your success and happiness highlights his lack of success and unhappiness.

Just have a little empathy and rise above it.

It's the narrative he uses to get by. We all cling to the perceptions and narratives that we find most comforting. Generally we avoid people who challenge or disprove them, and bond with people who share them. Sometimes we can't avoid someone who challenges them.

This is what gets him through the night. You don't have to agree or like it, but you're not going to stop him believing it. Unless it's really impacting seriously on your life, I'd just let it slide. He's not your partner or husband so really what he thinks of you is irrelevant and anyone who knows the situation will realise the bias he has.

OP is not responsible for ex s success and happiness.

Sorry for punctuation fail.

It was 6 years ago. I doubt he's still hurt but even if he is, he's not entitled to put you down like this.I hope our son doesn't turn out like you' is particularly nasty. And of course he wants contact, he wants the opportunity to say these nasty things.

If your son is in college I really don't see why any contact with him is necessary at all. Avoid him at all costs. Asking him to clarify what he means by these comments simply gives him further opportunity to insult you.

I would just tell him to shut up.

No op isn't responsible but then his behaviour isn't rational like a lot of human behaviour.

You can't control what he says, but you can control your reaction to it.. Decide that this is NOT going to make you feel shit. You have nothing to prove to him, you really don't.
Minimise contact, and if you do meet, become an expert at not hearing what he has said, 'mmmm' distractedly, while looking into the distance, or moving on to speak to someone else.

OP is not responsible for ex s success and happiness.

No, but I can imagine his self confidence has plummeted since she possibly had some type of affair before deciding he wasn't good enough and left him. Him knowing that she had someone ready and waiting, and in all that time they're still together loved up, whilst he hasn't had a lasting relationship must be grating. Especially since he didn't expect his family to fall apart due to his wife simply falling for someone else. I'd probably be a bit passive aggressive as well to be honest - people who've had their confidence knocked to the ground tend to let it out in certain ways. I'm sure the ex would rather not have to partake in the op's happy new life in any way, as they have children though I'm sure he's doing the best he can. Better than most who've been dumped in such a way the way I read it.

I'd practice a brief sympathetic smile, then change subject pronto.

Another way is to cut through to actually acknowledge what's really happening here - he's bitter, so he's making digs. That's the reality - he doesn't think you're incompetent/lazy/can't manage. Quite the opposite.

So - if you're feeling nice you can ignore, but - as others say - even though he might have reason to be bitter, it's not ok for you to have to sit back and take him belittling you. Especially not if that's the atmosphere when your son sees the two of you together.

A VERY effective type of comeback to this sort of sneering -

Him - 'I hope our son doesn't turn out like you'

You - (sympathetic and slightly puzzled smile) 'Are you ok? You seem a bit fragile. Hope things are ok?'

---

Him - 'Tch, I wonder how you manage in life'

You - (head tilt) 'Oh dear, is everything ok? Just let me know if there's anything I can do, it sounds as if things aren't going so good with you'

Basically, you reply in a perfectly acceptable way but you get across the point that you think he's being snippy/silly/making digs - and that it's saying more about him than it does about you. He'll feel foolish and the notion that you see him as an 'angry little man' who makes comments just to try and get at you will hopefully piss him off enough to stop him doing it!

He's trying to undermine you - if you reply making it clear that a. you don't give a whit what he says because b. his comments are about him, not you - then you might find he backs off a bit.

Nearly 18 so less contact needed.

You've got exactly what you wanted, why do you feel shit?

You can't, sadly, learn the art of detachment. It's the only thing that keeps me sane some days.

Fizzy green water they are excellent ways to reply. Re finance..First couple years he was an arse about money. Now everything is split.

To the poster who asked whether I should.be surprised....No I'm not but I'm asking opinions about how I should tackle it. I also didn't leave him because he wasn't good enough. I didn't love him how I think a woman and man should love each other and at the age of 33 I wasn't prepared to pretend otherwise for the rest was my life.

Today 14:25 NavyandWhite

If this were a woman posting that her H had left her in the same circumstances I doubt posters would be saying she was jealous, that the exH should just ignore her and that she sounded bitter but the ExH should rise above it.

Not a chance on earth.

Navy - I would say exactly the same. 6 years have gone by!

Purple coat hanger. I don't feel shit. I feel blessed. I am just asking opinions on how to deal with an ex who belittles me whilst maintaining something reasonable for the sake of our son. If it wasn't for our son we would have very very little if any contact.

Don't take the bait OP.
Rise above it.

OP if you were unhappy with your ex and left, there's nothing wrong with that. You cannot stay with someone in order to maintain their happiness. Just because you ended the relationship does not give him carte blanche to say anything he wants about you. He doesn't have the right to mete out punishment on you for leaving. I find some people's replies very worrying: they seem to think it's unsurprising that he is behaving this way towards you. Which suggests they condone it. If you ex is still angry about what happened, that's absolutely his prerogative. But that doesn't mean you have to take any kind of abuse, name-calling and disrespectful behaviour. At all.

If your DC is nearly 18. there is very little reason to have contact with your ex at all. You certainly don't need to listen to any of his unkind comments. Just ignore any communication that is not directly about your DC. If any comment is made towards you when you have face to face contact, just completely ignore it. His actions are designed to upset you and get a rise out of you because in his eyes you're a bad person for leaving him.

Regardless of DC's age no one should listen to or accept abuse from an ex btw. Just because you leave a relationship doesn't mean you "deserve" to feel like shit.

I think the contact makes it worse for him. He didn't fall out of love with you or end the marriage. It must be incredibly difficult to see you with these feelings. Minimising you is probably his unconscious coping strategy.
The opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

Sorry OP but you did say "the problem is how SHIT he makes me feel sometimes"

If you feel blessed and not shit, then what's your problem?

By putting you down this person is making themselves feel better, but unfortunately it doesn't work - otherwise one comment would be all that was needed.

Try to avoid contact, I like the idea of asking if he's ok when he makes a snide/put down comment, making it the same phrase each time may help like a broken record technique.

I have an ex that used to do this, no contact or opertunity now. Tbh he used to do it when we were married, but I just didn't realise until after we split. I'm sure he is bitter as I moved on with my life in a positive way...

purplecoathanger -I feel blessed in terms of what I have in my life. That does not mean that I don't have any emotional reactions to somebody who I feel is belittling me and as a human being, will thus consider how best to deal with it.

ShowMePotatoSalad - To be honest, I'm not surprised that some posters have insinuated that his behaviour is to be expected. My feeling is that this is no excuse and I agree that it is worrying that some people think it is ok ALTHOUGH I appreciate that people come from different viewpoints and the reason I posted was to see whether people thought I was being unreasonable.

However, looking back over the thread, the people who think this IS acceptable are in the minority. Thank you to all f the posters who have suggested ways to deal with this and who have provided reassurance to what I already felt deep down.