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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pil - 5 night stay - aibu?

29 replies

orchardroad · 06/05/2017 12:35

Pil are planning a trip to see us this summer and I have suggested 5 nights as opposed to the week they have been hinting at.

Reasons for being is that I will be 36 weeks pregnant and on mat leave, DH will be at work and tends to avoid his parents, PIL help with dd but I will still need to do meal planning and shppping, cooking etc. And... PIL are very intense and overbearing and although they mean well, 5 nights is about my limit.

Feel a bit bad because they haven't seen much of dd this year - just for a weekend in March and a weekend in May. They will be back for a short stay once dc2 arrives and then probably for a long weekend in October before we get together for xmas. They live a 7 hour drive away so it's hard to see them that regularly.

Am I being mean or reasonable?! DH agrees with me but I'm expecting mil to be on the phone with counter plans and wonder how much I should stand my ground...

OP posts:

Fishface77 · 06/05/2017 12:38

Yanbu.
Tang your ground, tell her it's 3 days or 5 days which ever she chooses but no longer.
I also wouldn't tolerate DP avoiding them.
I certainly wouldn't be full on hosting at 36 weeks pregnant.

Fishface77 · 06/05/2017 12:38

*stand. You can tang if you want.

AlternativeTentacle · 06/05/2017 12:40

Tell them any arguments and they won't be invited without your husband taking leave to sort them out. That is the offer, take it or leave it.

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 12:40

There hasn't been a weekend in May yet?

Trb17 · 06/05/2017 12:40

YANBU. Especially not at 36 weeks! Set your days limit and stick to it.

Tell DH he needs to at least book a couple of those days off to spend time with his parents or else you won't allow the visit. It's really inconsiderate of him to expect you to play host like that without some effort from him too.

Original poster

orchardroad · 06/05/2017 12:45

We are seeing them in 2 weeks.

They will be useful and take dd out which will give me a break but their presence will still require efforts from me. DH finds them intense (although he won't admit it!) so isn't around much when they're here. Which they encourage as they want to spend one on one time with our dd, but it's still annoying for me.

Thanks for input - will be confident in my decision!

OP posts:

happypoobum · 06/05/2017 12:50

I wouldn't agree to this at all tbh. I would expect DH to entertain his parents - why is he leaving it all to you?

Fuck that.

Original poster

orchardroad · 06/05/2017 12:54

Well he's at work. He'll take leave when the baby arrives.
I don't mind the 5 night trip, i just don't want any more nights.

OP posts:

Leeds2 · 06/05/2017 13:07

Make sure two of the days are days when OH is off work, typically the weekend. So he won't be using up his holiday entitlement but can spend the days entertaining his parents and cooking an evening meal.

Kitsandkids · 06/05/2017 13:08

I'm pregnant. My mum wants to come and stay when the baby's born. I've told her I'd love to see her but I don't want the stress of changing beds and feeding visitors etc. I'd want it even less with in laws, who I do really like but am obviously not as close to. Fortunately my mum is lovely and has booked herself into a nearby Travelodge for 2 weeks around the time I'm due. I would put my foot down and just say that, while you'd love to see them, you're just not up to hosting house guests at that stage in your pregnancy.

Original poster

orchardroad · 06/05/2017 13:13

Yes they will be here over a weekend although it doesn't change much. They encourage DH to stay in bed or go out. But I'm sure I can enlist him into getting a take away!

They're coming and that's that. I'd much prefer them here before the birth - want them as far away as possible over the birth - speaks from experience!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/05/2017 13:13

5 nights is plenty of time for ANY visitors, regardless of how much you like them (or not so much)

Stand firm!

NavyandWhite · 06/05/2017 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

orchardroad · 06/05/2017 13:16

Thanks - feel it's a fair amount of time too.
I will stand firm!

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 06/05/2017 13:23

I don't know where you live but, in your shoes, on the weekends I'd be saying to DH to organise some fun days out for him, your DC and the IL's so you can get some relaxing time on your own. They can stop off at a restaurant or get takeaway so you get a break from cooking too. Too bad if he finds them intense they are his parents you shouldn't have to deal with it all

stella23 · 06/05/2017 13:27

Tell them any arguments and they won't be invited without your husband taking leave to sort them out. That is the offer, take it or leave it.

The thing with such a hard stance could end up with the dh turning around and saying 'how about we both work part time and we both do half mat leave so my parents can visit.

Yanbu but maybe sugar coat it a bit

Inertia · 06/05/2017 13:28

5 nights is more than enough, and you need to install that it includes time when DH is off work.

Inertia · 06/05/2017 13:28

*insist ! FFS autocorrect!

MrsPeelyWaly · 06/05/2017 13:37

I've told her I'd love to see her but I don't want the stress of changing beds and feeding visitors etc.

But surely she'd be changing beds and cooking and doing all the other things that need done so you can just get on with the children. In other words surely you wouldn't have to lift a finger around the house?

thatdearoctopus · 06/05/2017 13:43

Is there any marriage on the planet whereby a woman would invite her parents to stay and then bugger off leaving her husband to entertain them for five days?

TwoDaysLater · 06/05/2017 13:48

How about going along with it but getting your DH to do the preperation and shopping etc. Chose simple meals and don't worry about it. 🤷🏻‍♀️ There are loads of thing you or your DH could prepare and freeze before they even come such as curry or spag bol. Alternatively, if you can afford it just get decent ready prepared food.

You don't have to do the whole hosting thing. They will surely understand that you are tired etc.

Downbutnotyetout · 06/05/2017 13:48

I would kill for a 5 night trip. We moved overseas (Southern Hemisphere) and never get less than 4 weeks, sometime up to 12
That said, you are well within your rights to minimise, let alone taking your circumstances into account. YANBU at all

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 06/05/2017 14:00

if your husband finds them too intense to spend time with - then why are you stressing yourself to do it?

i really don't get why you allow your dh to avoid HIS responsibilities towards his parents.

they could easily book into a bnb for 5 nights to make it easier for you
tell your husband he doesn't have a choice - he WILL be home to entertain and host his parents.

If they tell him to stay in bed etc you can always speak up - he has to be up to help. why do you allow them to infantilise him in your own home?

working925 · 06/05/2017 14:03

5 nights??? That's a massive amount. Seriously 3 would be my absolute limit!

KERALA1 · 06/05/2017 14:05

Octopus I often wonder that. It's always women accommodating his parents and even getting the blame if the couples relationship with in laws is shit

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