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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL issues....

14 replies

Ohthehorror2 · 06/05/2017 07:32

Struggling to work out if I am being unreasonable in my reaction to this.

Have an ok relationship with my MIL, not amazing but I don't see her all that often and when I do it's cordial. Even my DH will acknowledge that she can be quite a selfish person, will love to talk about her own illnesses etc but won't notice if your own leg is about to fall off in front of her. He assures me that she does like me but I do often find her quite dismissive of me and she will often do things like looking directly at another person while answering a question I've asked her, or not immediately or at all respond to me if I pop my head in on Skype to say hello to her. Anyway, not malicious my husband assures me - just part of her slightly self-centred ways.

She is due to have an operation next month that we hoped to be around a bit afterwards for, to help her and even frailer FIL manage while she recouperated a bit. However now that the dates come through for the op it turns out that it coincides with us being out of the country to visit some of my relatives and we won't be around. Felt a bit bad so I asked my husband if I should send her a nice email suggesting seeing her before we travel and apologising that we couldn't be around more when she needed us. I wrote to her, apologising profusely that the timing had turned out badly, suggested a date we visit them before we go and take them out for a nice meal and then go with the children to a petting zoo near their house. This is not an inconsiderable effort on our part, it's a two hour trip each way and we have two small children but we're happy to do it. Now the AIBU part... the response to my email came last night, but what's annoyed me is that it's not actually a reply to me at all. She has cc'd in all of my hubsbands siblings, several extended family members and some of her and FIL's friends to the reply. She has not acknowledged in any way that she's responding to my email, i.e. the greeting doesn't address me, it just says hi, there is no acknowledgment of my apology for not being around or if my suggestion to take them out for a meal or do something nice with the DGC. She has basically used my private email as a public platform to discuss her operation and thank all of the people who will be around to help them. It could be a completely stand alone email, except for the fact that my private email to her is tacked to the bottom for all to see. The only slight indication that she has even read my email is a comment to my husband that on the date I suggested visiting that there is some DIY they need doing around the house so can he bring some tools. I have been so cross since i read it, I just think it's unbelievably rude. But my husband thinks I should just let it wash over me, no big deal and just his DM being slightly thoughtless. So AIBU to still be so angry with her?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/05/2017 07:36

Just shrug your shoulders. She sounds very difficult. As you don't have to see her often you can just be gracious and stick to your plan anyway.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/05/2017 07:39

She might have meant to reply to your email address without including your message, and added everyone else thinking it was just her email. No need for her to mention everything you mentioned. She said she wasn't free so that's that.

You haven't said she's particularly manipulative or passive aggressive so I wouldn't put down to malice what you could put down to thoughtlessness.

Stop worrying about what she's doing and think about your holiday.

MissBax · 06/05/2017 07:50

I think she sounds like a miserable old cow 🐮 😉 haha... No but seriously I wouldn't reply to the group email, as I find that odd anyway. Maybe just compose a new one simply saying "think you accidentally sent ny email to everyone else, can you let me know if you're up for that date or not". No need to be rude but also no need to pussy foot around you. You're a grown woman with your own family and if she can't address you directly and answer then her loas

mmgirish · 06/05/2017 07:56

That is rude. I would hold her at arms length for a while.

Trb17 · 06/05/2017 07:59

Yeah it's rude but your mistake was emailing her in the first place. She's your DH's Mum so let him be the one who contacts her over this stuff. You've got no reason to act as his PA and he should have been the one to email her or even just phone her about plans. If you do it she gets to mess with you like this. Take away her opportunities.

Leave it to him in future then you're well out of it.

MimiSunshine · 06/05/2017 08:04

Your 1st mistake was sending the (what sounds like) gushy over apologetic email in the 1st place.

Ask yourself why YOU felt you had to do that, your husband/ her son didn't.
Is it guilt that you're away visiting your family coupled with wanting her approval?

If so you'll never get the latter when you grovel in that way.

I wouldn't bother replying, she's asked your DH to bring his tools so take that as acceptance of your suggested date but I wouldn't be expecting a nice family day out if she's got a list of DIY jobs for him.

And don't worry about your email being read by all, from what you've written no one will think badly of you and probably just think MIL is incompetent with email

Nocabbageinmyeye · 06/05/2017 08:12

She was rude. I'm surprised you emailed to profusely apologise though, I would not have emailed in the first place but I certainly wouldn't be apologising at all. Firstly surely it's up to your husband not you and you have done nothing wrong so why apologise Confused. Just let her off and stopping making an effort, leave it to her son, you obviously don't have a relationship independent of your marriage to her son

Ohthehorror2 · 06/05/2017 08:38

Thanks for the opinions so far. To be fair, sending the email is the kind of thing my husband would do, I don't usually have to find myself as the PA or go between. But I did suggest I do it this time as he was busy and I thought it would be nice to have something coming from me for a change, wish I hadn't bothered now!! Confused To save face slightly, I did apologise but it wasn't overly gushy at all. But I won't reply, and might just send my husband up on that date now so he can do the DIY without me and the kids.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/05/2017 08:53

If your MiL is having an operation and she and her husband are both going to need help, with the best will in the world, what is the point of your trip before you go away? Yes you will be seeing them, but a meal and a trip to a petting zoo won't be the most important things on their minds.
She could well be anxious about the OP and whilst you can't help being away (assume it was already arranged and booked) I think she's looking for more practical assistance at the minute, not hosting visitors.

emmyrose2000 · 06/05/2017 08:55

Her response, or lack thereof, is rude.

Seeing as she has not actually acknowledged or taken you up on your offer, I would proceed accordingly and not visit on that day.

birdladyfromhomealone · 06/05/2017 08:56

To be fair it may have been a mistake.
My DD sent an email to me and I replied to her CC in her other siblings so they could read my reply. What I didn't realise was they also saw her email where she was putting down her brother on it :(
It was a genuine mistake on my part but if my DS did read it he never mention it.
It looked like I had done it to cause trouble which I hadnt.
My DD was furious wit my thoughtlessness.
Your MIL may have done the same with no untoward intention.

NavyandWhite · 06/05/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blimey01 · 06/05/2017 09:00

It may be a mistake and she will reply to your email seperately. If not yes I would just send the Dh with his tools.

Softkitty2 · 06/05/2017 09:04

She is being passive aggressive. She knows what she is doing.
Ignore. She probably wants a reaction from you.

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