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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a "hello" from a friend when they enter a room you're already in.

24 replies

nilly1306 · 05/05/2017 22:57

I met a lady through an activity that our children do. We met up several times with our children and a couple without. Despite her numerous cancelling at last minute, turning up very, very late or rescheduling, I have always tried to be accommodating. I appreciate that sometimes life can be hectic and you don't always have time to socialize, especially when you have young children.

Her child then moved up to the next level in the activity, which meant that I didn't see her as regularly as I used to, but tried to keep in touch. She then stopped responding to my texts, but I thought nothing of it and just thought she'll get back to me when she has time. In the meantime, my child too moved up to the level that her child is at. Whilst I was looking forward to seeing her again, she just walked past me and sat across from me without so much as a hello. AIBU to expect a "hello, sorry I haven't responded to your texts. It's been manic..."

OP posts:

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 22:59

She cancels on you and stops responding to your texts and you only know each other through a childs activity....have you not got the message yet? You're not friends.

Batghee · 05/05/2017 23:02

yeah i think shes not actually your friend any more. Just let it go and find a new friend. People will often move in and out of your life like this especially when they are people you meet through things your child does. You arent going to have a very good time if you take it this personally each time that happens.

Original poster

nilly1306 · 05/05/2017 23:11

Yeah I guessed that she is not 'a friend' anymore. But the way she did it was not only immature but also very upsetting. I kept thinking, I must have done something to upset her.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 05/05/2017 23:15

Your expectations are too high of this person, she is rude. Ignore her and move on.

Silverdream · 05/05/2017 23:16

I think it's really rude to not acknowledge you when sat near you. That's plain rude and nasty. How can you sit near someone you know without greeting them , a smile , a nod or a little wave would have done.

GoodDayToYou · 05/05/2017 23:21

YANBU. She's an arsehole.

Mysterycat23 · 05/05/2017 23:22

You probably did nothing to upset her, she's just a knob. I would never treat someone like this so I really don't understand why others get away with it. I've had it done to me repeatedly and it's so hurtful and frustrating. YANBU. Consider yourself fortunate this person has shown their true colours early on before you got too invested in them. Consider she's done you a favour in fucking off out of your life and freeing up space for you to spend time meeting others who will be decent friends. Keep going out and meeting people OP, keep the faith.

pictish · 05/05/2017 23:23

She's no longer a friend. I think she's very immature to ignore you like that but the message is clear.

Original poster

nilly1306 · 05/05/2017 23:27

Mysterycat23 thanks for your words of encouragement. I will do just that.😊

OP posts:

user1493022461 · 05/05/2017 23:35

She never was a friend. A mere acquaintance, you only met up a handful of times.

Original poster

nilly1306 · 05/05/2017 23:41

user1493022461 I guess you are right. An acquaintance, but even so, do you think that's an acceptable way to behave?

OP posts:

Freyanna · 05/05/2017 23:52

She isn't worth being friends with. How ignorant.

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 06/05/2017 00:16

Acquaintance or friend, makes no bloody difference, she's plain bloody rude. She knows you and, unless you ran away with her husband or swindled her out of her life savings, have terribly bad breath or sit there farting and picking your nose, the very least common courtesy demands is a nod and smile of acknowledgment upon finding herself in the same room with you. What an ignorant cow.

She's clearly not worth your time, OP, I know it's hurtful and baffling but she's the one with the social graces defect not you so don't give her a second thought.

LadyPW · 06/05/2017 07:29

If she's trying to distance herself maybe she thinks that saying hello would encourage you to text her more and that's why? Not saying that she shouldn't say hi out of politeness but she might not want to be friends and think that you're not getting the hint....

Original poster

nilly1306 · 06/05/2017 08:10

That maybe, but I say it's a very cowardly way to do it.

OP posts:

LadyPW · 06/05/2017 09:48

It is yes, but sometimes people can feel that the only way to get a point across is to be blunt or rude, and sometimes they don't feel capable of actually saying 'I don't want to be friends' to your face. Maybe she thought that not saying hello was kinder than repeatedly ignoring your texts?
I'm not saying it's not crap from your point of view, I'm sure it hurts. But just giving a possible reason for it rather than sticking with the popular 'she's crap' responses. I find it easier to accept something if I understand it - if someone just gives me 'she's crap' responses I'd not really feel better. I'd still be wondering why she ignored me. If I thought it was because she didn't want to be friends & this was her way of dealing with it I'd be able to move on from there (albeit still feeling crap for a bit).

pictish · 06/05/2017 10:57

I agree. It is a very difficult thing to effectively say, "I don't want to be friends with you." to someone. Who does that? No one.
The usual way is to feign unavailability and stop responding to contact.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 06/05/2017 11:04

But even if she doesn't want contact, wouldn't a decent person just grin and bear it? It's just a kids activity, presumably just once a week for an hour or so. I'd be a bit cooler but still polite. It's weird to go from play dates to acting like someone doesn't even exist.

pictish · 06/05/2017 11:24

Oh totally. I can't disagree with you there.

user1493022461 · 06/05/2017 11:27

But even if she doesn't want contact, wouldn't a decent person just grin and bear it?

Why? Women are always told to put up with things they don't want, be nice, be polite, put everyone elses feelings before your own.

I wouldn't be so blunt but I can see why someone else might.

PutABitofButteronTheSpudsAndre · 06/05/2017 11:44

Everything you've said about her could also point to some sort of social anxiety and couldn't handle another social connection.

Or she's just rude.

Possibly both.

pictish · 06/05/2017 12:13

I suspect she is looking to avoid any in-road to a conversation that may seek an explanation for her avoidance and failure to respond to contact.

I once changed my phone number to evade a new friendship I'd made then thought better of. I ghosted the arse out of it but she didn't get the message and continued to text and call. I didn't want to tell her why I didn't like her. I had no desire to hurt her. It was extremely awkward. What do you say?

CherryMintVanilla · 06/05/2017 12:37

Why? Women are always told to put up with things they don't want, be nice, be polite, put everyone elses feelings before your own.

I don't think this is one of those things tbh. Everyone acknowledges people they know, even the most entitled of men! It's basic good manners.

Original poster

nilly1306 · 06/05/2017 13:09

I hear what everyone is saying, and perhaps I might not have read the signals properly, but I don't think I have. She was the one who suggested we meet more regularly and even suggested we go on a family holiday together. Which I couldn't do because we'd already booked our holidays.

All this aside, if you are trying to avoid someone, would you cross a great big, empty room and sit directly across the person you are trying to avoid, or sit somewhere else where you might be better out if sight?

OP posts:

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