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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent dd to her Dad's?

51 replies

chasegirl · 05/05/2017 22:39

Dd has had toncilitis this week but has had 3 days of antibiotics so seemed well enough to go to school today no problems there. I did text her Dad to tell him she had not been well but had no response.
Her Dad just texted me as she has gone to his for the weekend (his weekend) that he feels I have not been honest re her illness as she is still 'clearly infectious' and has been coughing and has a streaming nose.
She's had 3 full days of antibiotics now and has had no tempreture for over 24hrs. He does have toddler twins tho.

So was I unreasonable to let her go to her Dad's this weekend?

She is now coming home

OP posts:
grumpysquash3 · 05/05/2017 23:19

It doesn't make any sense.
She was perfectly healthy on Monday, but started antibiotics on Tuesday (if she has had them 3 days by today)
????????????????
GPs don't give out antibiotics unless someone has been ill for at least a few days.

grumpysquash3 · 05/05/2017 23:20

Also tonsillitis does not give you a streaming nose :(

BettyBackchat · 05/05/2017 23:23

She's 9, she'll be a teenager soon, and plenty old enough to know her dad doesn't care about her as much as his other kids
That's a bit harsh. I've had to keep my eldest DD and her baby sister apart to reduce the chance of the baby getting a nasty virus.
9 is plenty old enough to understand why this might be sensible.

Original poster
chasegirl · 05/05/2017 23:26

She was complaining of a sore throat on Monday then progressively got worse til she woke at 4.30 am Tuesday with a high temperature. Phoned and got a gp appointment for late Tuesday evening. Gp confirmed toncilitis and gave antibiotics.

Quick google suggests toncilitis can be caused by cold virus hence runny nose now

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 05/05/2017 23:44

What a dick. Your poor DD, it's probably very obvious to her that he doesn't care about her as much as his twins, how devastating.
I would be reducing his contact, this will impact your DD's confidence Sad

Starlight2345 · 05/05/2017 23:47

Tonsillitis can be viral or bacterial,

However as she was well enough for school today certainly well enough to spend time with dad.

incywincybitofa · 05/05/2017 23:57

As I recall from DS my tonsillitis boy- they can be contagious for up to 48 hours after starting the ABs.
I am sorry you don't get a break whilst she is so miserable and ill

LanaDReye · 06/05/2017 00:03

YANBU
My exH would be the same and he doesn't have other DCs. He would just expect me to deal with it. Ultimately it's not full parenting as all DCs can become ill, why should it be one parents responsibility?
DC know that too.

Original poster
chasegirl · 06/05/2017 00:05

I wouldn't mind if she was miserable and ill but she is fine now just snotty with a cough

OP posts:
Peanutandphoenix · 06/05/2017 00:18

Poor kid your Ex Is a complete and utter unreasonable tit she has tonsillitis not the bubonic plague if she was well enough to go back to school then she was well enough to go to her dad's he just doesn't want the hassle of having to deal with a sick child like all parents have to. He's a half a job parent what will he do if one of his precious twins gets sick pack them off to grandma's until they are better. Dad of the year he ain't. Your DD is better off at home with you at least she will be properly looked after by you. I hope you both have a great weekend.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 06/05/2017 08:21

if it were due to a virus then antibiotics would make no difference.

Funnyonion17 · 06/05/2017 08:25

Jesus, what is wrong with some parents! So he can only look after and see his own child if she's well?!

Men like him disgust me.

BlueDaisies · 06/05/2017 11:56

I couldn't agree more with StarryIllusion, absolutely hit the nail on the head with "Why would you risk her much younger siblings/half siblings getting it if you have the option to keep them apart until she is no longer infectious?"

I also agree however with the last sentence: "If it isn't contagious then he is just being a twat and should man the fuck up and look after his daughter". He can't use it as an excuse not to have his dd and nor should he want to. Also if returned her late at night then he was being a complete twat! Your DD should not have been made to feel like a leper!

In this instance I don't think there was any reason for your daughter to avoid contact with the little ones. However, if your dd had something clearly contagious such as chickenpox and the younger ones hadn't had it then I think it is 100% reasonable to keep them apart and actually dad would be unreasonable not to suggest this and willingly put his younger children at risk when there is an alternative.

To those saying what happens if one sibling gets ill (in siblings who live together permanently)- this is different, they key is option. It is a perfectly reasonable option to keep the children apart in the OPs case in the case of infectious illness only

I'm a mother and step parent. We have been in the scenario where due to infectious illness we have needed to keep the children apart. In this scenario all parents are involved and it is worked out where it would be best for the children to be, it is not assumed they stay with one particular parent. Contact is maintained with the parent the child is not with via- skype/phone/visits etc.

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 11:57

He's her PARENT not her babysitter.

Or does he just want to do the fun days out and not do the rest of the parenting things.

Original poster
chasegirl · 06/05/2017 12:04

I wouldn't have sent her if she was contagious for any reason (i.e chicken pox) she wouldn't have gone to school either. If she felt unwell she wouldn't have wanted to go either and I would never make her go if she felt unwell.

A quick google shows toncilitis isn't contagious after 48 hrs on antibiotics.

(I had texted him on Wednesday to tell him she wasn't well and he never bothered to reply or ask how she was!!)

OP posts:
BlueDaisies · 06/05/2017 12:12

Ah yes I forgot to add that. Completely out of order on his part to a-suggest you hadn't informed him or been less than honest as you had text him and b-for him to not even reply!!

He does strike me as one of those split up parents who is only a parent when the child is with them and thinks they aren't the rest of the time (so doesn't respond to texts, doesn't offer to help you out etc). Really not on at all.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 06/05/2017 12:18

Ds had tonsillitis last week and no siblings have caught it. .

Birdsgottaf1y · 06/05/2017 12:23

Would your DD want to be around two toddlers, if she was still full of cold symptoms? I know that i wouldn't.

I know many people who've got GPs to send the ill, or well child to, so they separate them.

A nine year old has many more treatment options than a toddler, children under three can get complications from simple infections.
Getting antibiotics into them can be a nightmare.

I don't think that you should have sent her, unless she was really asking to go.

MrsFloppy · 06/05/2017 12:24

I'd have been annoyed if you'd sent a sick child when I had toddlers.

AvoidingCallenetics · 06/05/2017 12:28

I'm going to sound like a total bitch here, but it isn't actually the OP's responsibility to think about his other dc - that's his job. She had plans for the weekend which have now been messed up, not because of her childs needs, but because exh is expecting her to prioritise his other dc.

Now having said that, I wouldn't send a child with a nasty infectious illness to a house where there were other children, but strictly speaking if the OP wanted to carry on her plans, having made the judgement that her child was well enough to travel to dad's house, then if the dad doesn't want his twins to pick up germs then finding alternative childcare for them should be his job. He has 3 kids, OP only has 1!

MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 12:30

It's just tonsillitis MrsFloppy. Many parents manage with that and toddlers.
The ex just wanted an easier life and thought he'd send her back to mam so mam can drop all her plans and do the parenting that HE should be doing this weekend.
Why should non resident parents get to decide when/if it's convenient to parent?

WankingMonkey · 06/05/2017 12:32

YANBU. 3 days into penicillin tonsilitus is unlikely to be passed on tbh, especially if it was never passed on the day before the symptoms came on strongly. Come to think of it I had tonsilitus a lot as a kid and my brother and sister never seemed to catch it.

If you sent her over with noro or something around 2 younger kids then yes, I could see his point of view.

Original poster
chasegirl · 06/05/2017 12:35

Mrs floppy I don't think she is sick. She's just git a bit of a cough and snotty nose like a normal cold. She gas been on antibiotics for 4 days now has had no tempreture since Thursday morning and has been to school on Friday and dancing this morning

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 06/05/2017 12:36

Agree ^^
If it was something awful then I'd probably rearrange plans and ekeep the child with me rather than give it to the toddlers.

Something like tonsillitis the ex needs to get his act together

Cakeycakecake · 06/05/2017 12:43

Yanbu imo. My ds was hospitalised this week with a severe infection. Baby had to go to family so I could be in with ds. Baby came down with a grotty cold, as soon as ds was let out baby came home. Family had to work, and baby needed to be home.
Ds now has cold but antibiotics do what they're supposed to do and honestly if those kids are gonna get anything it'll be from other kids at playgroup or nursery not a brief exposure to their sister.
My ex doesn't refuse to have baby when he's sick and if he did I'd be a bit bemused- he could just have easily have caught whatever from dads end just like your dd.
Hope your dd is ok op x

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