AIBU cheering more loudly for my younger DD

[Fidoandacupoftea]

I have two amazing DDs. Older DD traditionally beautiful, sporty, academic, popular kid in class and gets selected for most activities she tries out. Younger DD wears strong prescription glasses, has a squint and is the smallest in class. She tries as hard if not harder as her older sis but not always chosen. Naturally every little victory of hers brings huge joy to me. AIBU. Also how can I make sure my older DD doesn't feel uncherished (I am very very proud of her). Thanks

I think your older dd must already very cherished.

I hope you don't say to your younger dd what you've said on here.
Your younger dd could be a late developer both academically and in looks.
I wasn't academic popular or pretty in school. I blossomed as soon as I left.
Your younger dd could have strengths that your older dd doesn't. All children are different,

You need to treat both children alike. I understand where you are coming from but while you may get more joy from your younger daughter's achievements because she has to fight harder it would be so wrong to show this.

Don't let it show.

My parents always act surprised when I achieve something, even nowadays, and it hurts.

Cheer for her all you like, but say "I know you could do it!" and not "Wow, amazing, I wouldn't have thought you'd manage!"

Celebrate their achievements equally.

By that i mean if your elder one wins a sports comp, tell her how proud you are of her hard work. If your younger one comes last, tell her how proud you are of her hard work.

I was your older dd. My mum felt she had to minimise my achievements and big up my sisters. I could not understand why they would talk about how my sister did this and that, how she was good at x and y. While i would point out that i had done a and b (much bigger achievements in their own right) and it was treated like i'd done something everyone can do.

I gave up trying in the end.

I am now in a similar position with my own dc. I try and make a point of praising effort and overcoming difficulties, rather than results. I tell them i'm proud when they make a mistake, but get right back up there and try again, that sort of thing. I try to do it separately if i can.

Which reminds me. I probably need to tell dc1 how great she is. It does get taken for granted sometimes.

How does you older dd deal with her sister's achievements? And vice versa?

Following with interest, I have the same kind of issue except mine are twins so get compared all the time!

It is very hard.

I have a huge disparity between ability and achievements with my dc - dd1 has severe ASD and learning difficulties, whereas dd2 and ds are natural achievers (still with ASD).

Everything dd1 does is hard won, usually over a long period of time (she is 12, and is still working towards tying shoelaces, despite working intensively on it for over a year); most things dd2 and ds try, they manage without breaking a sweat.

They are still all championed individually for what they achieve, and as individuals. They do all have different strengths.

It took dd2 quite a while to get over not getting the same praise for the things that dd1 does (e.g. getting dressed independently - dd1 gets a lot of praise for trying, while at 10, it has been expected of dd2 for some time now), as they are quite close in age so it's a hangover from toddler stages. Ds doesn't notice as much (he's 6 years younger than dd2, 8 years younger than dd1) and is far more au fait with everyone being praised for individual strengths and working towards their own goals.

I used to think my parents loved my less academically able sister more when I was younger. Looking back I can see that they saw that she found things more difficult and probably tried harder and worked harder than I did do my parents were encouraging that but as a small child it wasn't very nice when my achievements were ignored and expected and hers were celebrated.

I don't resent then for it now by the way. They love us both and did what they thought best.

I totally get where you're coming from.

However my parents had a similar perception and it did effect me. Conversations, for example with the musical instrument we both played went like this:
"Oh yes Witchend does play. She's doing very well. But Witchend dbro plays and he's got the most wonderful technique. He works so hard and there's definitely something special when he plays." (repeat for anything else we both did)

Who do you get the impression is better then?
Well, I was considered to be quite talented when I started. I got to grade 2 after 4 terms, when I think the average is closer to grade 1 after 6. Dbro failed his grade 1 for the first time after 3 years and proceeded to fail it at least twice more before he passed it after he'd been playing for 6 years.
Result was I stopped playing. I regret it now because I think I could have been quite reasonable, but I really did feel why did I bother when that was the reaction I got. I wasn't really a go out for praise type person, but it was so downing that I felt uncherished.

I got that in a lot of walks of life that as an adult I can look back and realise that actually I was better than him, in some cases quite good, but I gave up because the impression I got from dm was he was much better than me, so I felt it was better to give up/not try than try and compete, because I always seemed to be considered the weaker.
It took me until I was an adult to realise that wasn't the case.

What I suggest is.

1. Encourage dd2 to do different things. Dbro was always encouraged to do what I was doing so we were always in competition.
2. Celebrate with both for what they've done. I remember getting into choir. I came home full of triumph. It was one of the first time I'd achieved something dsis hadn't already achieved. "I didn't want you to do that" was dm's reaction. Looking back I think in the back of her mind was already "don't make too much as dbro won't get in" (very tone deaf). It's the only time she didn't act pleased with me to my memory, but it hurt. I didn't go back the next year, despite loving doing it.
3. Recognise that your dd1 may well put effort in.

Looking back, I think dm thought things came easily to me. Some of the things I put a heck of a lot of effort in (eg making friends, none of us are very sociable, but I would make myself (often very nervous) go to things/support friends doing things I wasn't interested in etc. I remember bro being asked by one of the lads in his form to go with him and one other to do something he was always on at dm to take him. "Why would I want to go to that with you?" was his response.) I felt I was punished for putting an effort in.

1. Find things not connected with what they do to compliment them.
2. Don't always make dd2 have second hand things. But also don't take things off dd1 because you deem them to be too young for them, even if she still plays with them.
3. If dd1 has friends round don't make them take dd2 round with them. If dd2 has friends, don't let dd1 boss them around.
4. look for strengths in dd2. Don't compare them. She will have strengths, just need to find them.
5. Spend time with them equally as possible, Take one out for a drink and a cake at a café, and then take the other another week.

I'm sounding really negative about dm here, but she was a cheerleader of mine, and I knew she loved me and wanted me to do well.
But I think it also effected dbro negatively too. He thought he was really something special in these things, and a cut above others. Which made him act superior round his peers which didn't endear him to them.
He would also get very angry if dm didn't praise him to the skies, which then meant she'd do it doubly the next time...

Thank you all for your really useful advice. Awlook I am always overcompensating, there are some 'societal' perceptions, for e.g. Younger DD was asked to move book at a family wedding by the photographer (no fault of family) while older DD get picked for school brochure pics. Bertrandrussell older DD sees the same and is overprotective.

witchend were you the oldest or youngest?

I was middle, but dbro was younger.

The idea of taking the "most talented" one apart to praise them is a good one. And explaining wthat things can be harder to achieve for the other one hence the special encouragement they need...

Thank you all for sharing similar stories, might not reply straightaway as ph battery dying on me. Witchend she loves and wants to do similar things, I do try to get her to do one sport.

How old are they OP?

Witcend I worry about my older DD all the time as she is always looking out for her little sis especially in school. I don't want her to feel responsible or resent her as some of you have said. Somethingborrowed they are 12 and 9

I always say I love them the same amount but differently. Each has particular needs and talents and we just need to make sure we recognise that. It sounds like you're doing a fab job. Of course the older sibling should be protective towards the younger sibling. It's how they learn social responsibilities. You should praise your older daughter in front of the younger - we all need recognition and that should be acknowledged. She will learn to be pleased with her sisters success as long as it never becomes a competition- it's sometimes the late blossoms that flower brightest.