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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu well, not u, selfish?

24 replies

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 15:15

After having dd1 we couldn't afford for me to go back to work 'properly' part time so I went back 4 days. I moved back up to 5 day within 2 years because we needed the cash and I'm now in a position where I can work my way up the ladder. It will take a year of doing an extra qualification alongside wotking full time before I could even begin to look for jobs to earn more money. I earn the bigger wage but not by much. I had dd2 a couple of months ago and Dh has decided he wants to go part time but 'proper' part time of 2 or 3 days per week depending on what he gets offered. We've crunched the numbers and 2 days a week would mean that things would be tight financially. 3 days would be better and full time quite comfortable despite nursery fees. His school will not allow him to work 4 days like mine did. The thing is, I've worked so hard and we are finally at a point where we can live comfortably and I don't want to give that up. Aibu to say to dh that he either needs to secure 3 days or go back full time? I dont want to spend the next four years saying no to my kids and watching every penny. So I don't drip feed, he is taking 3 months shared leave when dd2 is 8 months. It was his idea and I agreed. I'm not sure he actually understands what it's going to be like at home with a 8 month old and on a tight budget due to not earning. I think it will be an eye opener but im happy to share leave as I earn more so its better for the family. He has a very small inheritance that he is using to fund this as we wouldnt be able to afford for either of us to be off when stat pay ends otherwise. If he goes part time, he says he is happy, on his days off, to do all child care/school runs and cook. We already split housework. Am I being selfish? I don't want to struggle. I feel like we did that in the early days of our careers. I also don't want to stop him doing something he wants either. But, I'm not 100% sure he wants part time just because he wants more time with dd2. I do think there is a wish just to work less. Pre kids I gave up our house and moved in with his parents for a year so that he could change careers so I am supportive of him and have sacrificed in the past. I just feel like cutting his days to 2 days would be a step too far and the finances would be a struggle which I really don't want. He's had the meeting with his boss today and has said he will explain the options later because 'it's complicated'. I'm guessing she hasn't said yes to the 3 days. Aibu to say 3 days or full time?

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 05/05/2017 15:20

Goodness me that's rambling and difficult to read sorry
I think you need to talk to him properly and list the pros and cons

MrsJamesMathews · 05/05/2017 15:22

So you had to work 4 days because the family couldn't afford for you to do less but now it's his turn he wants to work half of that despite it still not necessarily being 'affordable'?!

I'd be pissed off OP.

Some families want someone to be at home and to scrape the barrel for it. But you've already done he working 4 days / nursery thing so clearly that isn't an ideal you've decided to work towards. Which just leaves the fact that he wants to work less.

Do you earn more now because you had minimal time away from work?

I'm not sure an ultimatum is the way to go, but I would definitley be saying "no. I'm not happy with that".

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 15:26

I wouldn't support him tbh. He's just looking to work less at your expense. Why should your family struggle, your children do without and you face greater stress and financial burden because he wasn't to be lazy? No, just no. Don't pay for that.

UppityHumpty · 05/05/2017 15:27

If it's 3 days or full time you need to be firm. He did that to you, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to him

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 15:27

Sorry for the ramble. Trying to entertain a 15 week old! I earn more because I've worked so hard and earned a promotion. I'm a teacher, head of department and head of year. It's a struggle to keep up but I love my job. Dh doesn't have any career ambition despite loving his job. I just think it all well and good to want part time but he has to consider the financial impact. He just thinks all will be fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 15:33

In fairness, he would have supported me going part time last time if I'd asked. I didn't ask because I didn't want us to struggle. He's a hands on dad and the housework is shares. He will do anything around the house if I ask. He's a lovely dh. But, he has a rose tinted view of part time because he wants it. He has ambitions of being a children's author and is self publishing a book. As much as I'd like him to be successful and I'm proud of him, it is a very difficult market to cracking so it isn't likely he will be the next JK Rowling. I think he thinks he will be able to entertain a toddler and write. I think he is underestimating the challenge.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 15:33

Sorry for the typos!

OP posts:

AnnieAnoniMouse · 05/05/2017 15:54

Tell him to dream on.

We'd all love to work part time and faff about with a hobby. He has a family & he needs to put your financial security first and your happiness/lifestyle. You've sacrificed a lot to move up to a better place, don't let him throw that away because he fancies working part time.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2017 15:56

Wow, it's all about him, isn't it? At the expense of everyone else. It's not 'lovely' to not step up to being adult and realising that your family's financial comfort is more important than your pipe dreams and not wanting to work. He's taking the piss. 3 days or full time. He's blowing the inheritance, too, because he's workshy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/05/2017 15:58

What about you say that rather than make any firm decisions now, you keep things open until he has done his 3 months.

You may well find that suddenly he isnt as keen when he realises that being at home isnt a total skive with him writing his amazing book whilst also trying to run a home and keep the kids entertained. After three months of being at home solidly he may see returning to work a little differently.

He sounds selfish not you.

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 16:03

I've said to wait to decide but his headteacher is pushing for an answer. He isn't workshy, he's funding taking time off with our child. It will be nice for dd2 to.have him at home. He'd like not to work full time and I understand that. I don't judge mums who work part time so wouldn't judge dh. But I don't want to sacrifice too much. Thanks all. It's helpful

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 05/05/2017 16:04

Hmmm i think people are being harsh in your DH. He wouldn't be "faffing around with a hobby" he would be raising two children and in theory writing a bit on the side. As he hasn't even done the parental leave bit yet I doubt he realises quite what he's letting himself in for. If you can't afford it then he can't do it. I would say to him that you feel he can't afford two days so he needs to produce a financial plan to show that he can. It's not all about money though and your kids would benefit massively from having him around so that's worth considering when looking at the full time option .

Furchesterbaby · 05/05/2017 16:05

Why are people calling him workshy? The op and her husband have small children, it's not 'workshy' to work part time and care for your children.

AlwaysBeBatman · 05/05/2017 16:09

I've got to be honest, I don't think he realises the reality of it - just going part-time (especially as a man) will impact his job prospects in the future - deservedly or not.

Also, as someone who's currently writing a book, it is definitely NOT something you can do while entertaining the kids! It's a job and he would need to treat it as such.

Sorry but he seems to be abdicating all financial responsibility for your family, leaving you to shoulder it all.

expatinscotland · 05/05/2017 16:10

'Why are people calling him workshy? The op and her husband have small children, it's not 'workshy' to work part time and care for your children.'

It is when you can't afford it or it means the whole family struggles financially when it's not necessary.

If his HT is pushing for an answer then you need to be straight with him and tell him it's 3 days or FT.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/05/2017 16:20

I think people are saying he is workshy because he doesnt seem to realise exactly what being a part timer entails. He wants to indulge his hobby of writing while being at home with the kids and thats a worry because kids need entertaining and taking care of yet he doesnt seem to have taken that into consideration.

I worry for the OP that he will go part time, they will have less money and he will still not be happy because it wont be what he thinks it will be. So how long before he wants the kids in childcare on the days he is off so he can "work" on his book? I saw this happen when my friend went PT, she got pissed off that her days "off" work were not in fact days off at all and insisted that the kids went into nursery on those days. Yet when her husband pointed out that a) they couldnt afford it and b) when did he get days off to do nothing she went ballistic and called him selfish. They split up in the end because what she wanted was a lady of leisure lifestyle and expected him to provide it. She basically thought that being at home with the kids was the key to a leisurely life, and was brought up very short when she realised that it wasnt like that at all.

Fruitcorner123 · 05/05/2017 16:47

Batman we know he is a teacher. Thousands of teachers work part time for some of their career and have great future prospects. The fact that he is a man does not make this less true. This is the kind of attitude that is stopping more men from taking the shared parental leave option. People and workplaces need to catch up its 2017!

LadyPW · 05/05/2017 16:58

If this was a woman wanting to be a part-time stay at home parent no-one would be slating her so why is the same not applied here to a man? He's going to do all the childcare on his off days so they'll be saving there, and he's going to be trying to earn more with writing....

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 17:30

That's why I'm asking LadyPW. I want to.be fair, I just don't want to be poor!

OP posts:

greenworm · 05/05/2017 17:50

How long does he want to do this for?

Is the idea that in a few years once all the DC were in full time school you'd both be working full time again?

expatinscotland · 05/05/2017 17:59

'If this was a woman wanting to be a part-time stay at home parent no-one would be slating her so why is the same not applied here to a man? '

Actually, plenty would if it meant the family was going to struggle financially.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/05/2017 18:39

If a woman said that she wanted to go PT and the family finances would struggle because she wanted to fart about self publishing a book (which every wannabe writer is doing btw, if you cant get an agent to take it its because its not of publishable quality) then I would say the same.

It is selfish regardless of the sex of the parent concerned.

Original poster

Whatsername17 · 05/05/2017 18:43

Yeah he will go back ft when dd2 goes to school. No more children are planned.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 18:48

It's not about gender. If you have the opportunity to work full time to provide a comfortable life for your family, then you have a responsibility to. Exceptions for health issues.

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