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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding save the dates

22 replies

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/05/2017 14:12

Apologies- it's a wedding one!

Just wondered what the deal is with save the dates. My cousin gave us all save the date notes last year for her wedding this August. Now my family have all got invites. But we haven't.

Do you send out save the dates before you finalise guest lists? Or send them just to people you're going to invite?

I'm not bothered (but know if we've not been invited it'll cause a family rift!) but it's the first time I've dealt with a save the date and just wondered what's normal

OP posts:

happilyeverafta · 05/05/2017 14:21

We sent them to guests that would be either day or evening but just due to the fact it wasn't on a 'normal' wedding day.

I think the norm is to send to those whom you invite to the full day.

BollardDodger · 05/05/2017 14:21

I would presume a 'Save the Date' implies that you will be receiving an invitation.

OlennasWimple · 05/05/2017 14:24

There's literally no point "saving the day" if you aren't going to receive an invitation, is there?

I would assume that the invite got lost in the post, or that they are sending them out in batches and your hasn't been posted yet.

MadisonAvenue · 05/05/2017 14:26

I thought that the normal etiquette was to send them to people who will be invited to the whole wedding.

We received one for one wedding and my husband actually declined an invitation to take part in something he'd have enjoyed because it would've clashed with the ceremony. However, when we received the actual invitation to the wedding we'd only been invited to the evening reception.

Hillarious · 05/05/2017 14:28

Ooh, harsh Madison

scottishdiem · 05/05/2017 14:29

There is usually a very very strong correlation between Save the Date and actual invites. If you are convinced that you should be invited then you need to fine out asap.

plantsitter · 05/05/2017 14:31

You should be invited if you got a save the date, so you should tell your cousin as maybe it got lost.

If it hasn't got lost she has made a massive fuck-up IMO.

HarrietVane99 · 05/05/2017 14:36

Do people actually 'save the date' a year or more in advance? How can anyone know what they might be doing on a particular day that far in advance?

What if that turns out to be the only week you can go on holiday, or one of the family is going to be involved in something like a performance or sports event, or you get an actual invitation to another wedding? Or anything else that might crop up over the course of a year? Do you not do it because you've 'saved the date'?

Surely the date only becomes 'saved' when you've received and accepted an actual invitation?

Original poster

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/05/2017 14:37

Ah thanks everyone. I'll give her another week (my parents only just got theirs a few days ago) then send a few subtle emails...

It's just a bit complicated as my dads housebound so I said I'd take my mum with us - but was just waiting to see if children were invited too (if they're not then my poor old dad'll have his hands full!)

OP posts:

paxillin · 05/05/2017 14:56

It's rude to ask people to save the date and then not invite them.

I'd be really pissed off if I'd saved the date, perhaps not booking a holiday or booking the day off work, and then realised I'm not invited after all.

meditrina · 05/05/2017 15:01

STDs should really only be sent to those whose absence you would really notice. So not everyone, just the people who matter most.

And that makes them avoidable - you can just tell peop,e what date you're getting married when to speaks to them or email/write anyhow. Thus saving you a bit on both stationery and postage bills.

But some people use them differently, which can confuse the heck out of people and lead to unfair disappointments such as that experienced by madison and her DH

Lonelynessie · 05/05/2017 15:09

Everyone who is invited to my wedding received a save the date - I definitely wouldn't have sent someone a save the date then not invite them!

BollardDodger · 05/05/2017 15:19

Surely the date only becomes 'saved' when you've received and accepted an actual invitation?
Well, no. People might need to book the day off work. Or avoid booking a holiday. Wedding invitations generally only go out about 3 months in advance. Try booking a Saturday off work in the middle of summer with only three months' notice! Sending out STD a year in advance allows you to book the time off.

OlennasWimple · 05/05/2017 15:28

Traditionally wedding invites are only sent out about 6 weeks in advance, which clearly isn't enough time for most people to sort out stuff so that they can attend, now that we don't get married in the village church where the B&Gs family all live within a ten mile radius

Save the date cards can be really useful to send to people who you really want to come to the wedding but need more than a few weeks' notice. It doesn't mean that you can't book a holiday for that date, it just means that if you do so you are doing it in the knowledge that it will clash with the wedding.

though of course there are many other ways to let key people know that a date has been fixed, especially now pretty much everyone has email - I suspect save the date cards crept into common use before that was the case, and the clever wedding industry has convinced us that they are now an essential part of planning a wedding.

Timeforteaplease · 05/05/2017 15:48

That's so funny - sending out a card to let people about an event they are not invited to. That's extra special!

Timeforteaplease · 05/05/2017 15:49

sorry for the typo - let people know about

LadySalmakia · 05/05/2017 15:55

We sent them to everyone on our guest list - but we didn't have reception only guests, everyone came to the meal and evening do. We had a few people who weren't at the actual registry office due to the size but they did know in advance of getting the invitation, I made sure to casually over them know the situation so they could made decisions accordingly if anything came up.

ChessieFL · 05/05/2017 15:57

There was a thread on here a while ago with someone in a similar situation - turned out the bride thought STD cards were just to let people know that they were getting married and didn't have to bear any relation to the actual guest list.......

BackforGood · 05/05/2017 16:01

HarrietVane -well that's the point. You put the date in your diary, and then, keep it in mind when you are booking holiday, or getting asked to other things, etc. It doesn't force you to go to the wedding, but, for most of the general population who would like to be at the wedding of a loved one unlike many MNers it seems , then they try to avoid doing other things when they know that's the date of your wedding.
If, of course, there is some immovable date of something you'd rather be at, then you decline the invitation at the time.
However, if you are able to choose when to book your holiday, or whatever, then you are fully armed with the knowledge you are going to be invited to a wedding on that day, and you can do with that information what you will.

I don't see the need for formal cards - think that's just a money generator by the whole wedding industry + post office -, I do think it's a good idea to let people that are important to you know the date of anything you want them to come to, as soon as it is confirmed.

BackforGood · 05/05/2017 16:02

Oh, and back to OP, you only send them to people definitely invited to the day, yes. If you've not confirmed numbers / guest list them they shouldn't be sent.

Boulshired · 05/05/2017 16:04

I received one once then they went for a smaller venue so got the cut. DP had booked annual leave that they would not change and another family member had booked a hotel on an early bird deal so no refund. Lots of bad feelings, why would I need to save a date for an event I am not invited to.

Original poster

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 05/05/2017 16:40

Thanks everyone. DH and I eloped so this wedding palava is a whole new world to me!

also the weddings not on a weekend - it's midweek. So there's a lot of work stuff to sort (as well as possible childcare) so I'd like to get it sorted as soon as

I do agree with pp - this whole wedding industry seems to be geared up to be a money making machine...!

OP posts:

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