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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for practical advice on how to get over a traumatic time in your life?

25 replies

Chester25 · 05/05/2017 09:52

I would like to ask for some advice on how to get over a traumatic time of life ( which was a couple of years ago) It was nothing life threatening but just a very bad time .I've tried cbt/ counselling which make me feel a bit better at the time , but what works for me is straightforward practical advice So I wanted to ask if anyone has some practical advice tips so that the traumatic time can stop coming into my head every day and so that in my head I can forgive the people I was in contact with at that time ( I generally won't see them now which is good , but I want to make peace with the situation in my mind)
Any practical tips would be really appreciated..

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 05/05/2017 09:56

My counsellor years ago told me to write things down in a letter and then either spread it or burn it. Used to really help me x

Sample1936 · 05/05/2017 09:56

Get on with it.

NotJanine · 05/05/2017 10:04

You could try EMDR. It is used for treating PTSD but the same principles apply for any traumatic event that you keep reliving and which cause you distress.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/05/2017 10:07

I'm a bit like you - I don't find going over things repeatedly helps

For me it was a case of 1) accepting it happened 2) accepting I can't change that 3) expressing how I felt and feel 4) accepting that to heal was to move on

writing letters is a good one - I did that - then burnt it - but general stuff to help boost your mental health also helped, exercise, laughter, friendship and sleep!

ghostyslovesheets · 05/05/2017 10:08

also brief therapy / solution focused counselling might suit you better - it's less waffley and more empowering

QuiteLikely5 · 05/05/2017 10:10

How about you accept that you have control of your emotions?

Start looking forward?

Accept that the only person you are causing pain to is yourself?

Why would you want to choose that?

misscph1973 · 05/05/2017 10:13

Try EFT (google it, lots of TouTube instruction videos available). I had a very traumatic experience at work, and I saw a psychologist to help me. She introduced me to EFT. It's very efficient and easy. It will make the memory less painful. I still use it, and I have successfully used it with my DC as well.

TiredMumToTwo · 05/05/2017 10:17

I know that you said that you tried counselling but for me what helped was: anti-depressants, CBT, counselling, learning to be kinder to myself, looking after myself better, talking through worries with friends, stress relieving exercise like walking the dogs. Hope you feel better soon.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 05/05/2017 10:27

you are not responsible for other people's actions and behaviour
you do not need to feel guilty for this that are not your fault
you are not obliged to forgive anyone
it's ok to be upset, sad, angry, tired, afraid. CBT can help you move out of vicious circles of thought
if you say bad things about yourself to yourself would you say them out loud to someone else? I.e. Viv to Viv in head: "you're weak and pathetic, no wonder x, y, z happened to you, you deserve it for being so fat, pathetic and ugly". I used to think about myself in these terms all the time, and yet objectively I knew that it was untrue, I didn't deserve it at all, wasn't pathetic etc and would never ever have thought I'd said such things to someone else who had been through my experiences.
some days it's worth putting on a brave face and forcing yourself through. Some days it's better to give in to it and stay in bed. Only you know your abilities to cope.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 05/05/2017 10:27

Maybe a different CBT? It took a couple of different therapists to help me. The last one went through a very intense "re-living" of the trauma (which sounds very scary I know) and then I felt a great release. Then we worked on techniques to prevent slipping into negative thinking, ruminating etc.
The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris is a great book and he also has some good videos on YouTube.
I try to catch myself ruminating/remembering and turn my attention to something like cooking with my daughter, working on my business, planning a holiday/event, and even getting lost in a book or some music. I'm sure you have your own hobbies/interests, or maybe now is a time to really invest in them. It's good for looking forward and not back.
Also a good things diary helped, just remembering 3 good things about each day got me thinking about the positive things again.
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, I hope you are feeling more like yourself soon.

Oh and online support too! Chatting on forums etc is sometimes easier than in RL when it's sensitive, and finding people with a similar problem is like therapy sometimes.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 05/05/2017 10:31

Never feel guilty and be kind to yourself. Definitely second an earlier reply about not saying to yourself what you wouldn't say to someone else, we can be so harsh to ourselves, please don't!

Animals can be wonderful.

Do loads of what you love. Do things which do make you happy, you deserve it.

Tippytappytoes · 05/05/2017 10:45

I got a rescue dog who had more issues than I did. Probably wasn't the best idea at the time, I weighed a little over 6 stone and was still weak and sore from the illness and operation, and heartbroken over being dumped shortly after getting out of hospital. But he gave me a reason to get up and get strong. I found being able to focus on something else stopped me brooding on how close I'd come to dying and everything else that had happened in such a short time. So short term he helped me ignore it.

He eventually helped me to laugh again, and feel joy after being numb for so long. As I became physically stronger, I became mentally stronger. Long walks (sometimes angry stomping walks) surrounded by nothing but the countryside helped me clear my head and think through and accept what had happened.

Oblomov17 · 05/05/2017 10:50

I am very interested in this. I have been unable to get over something that happened to me nearly 3 years ago. I have sobbed and sobbed since. Examined myself and questioned almost everything I did in the 5 years leading up to the event. Asked my mum and counsellor for advice on what I did wrong/how I can learn from this.

I have got nowhere. The pain is still there.

Reading with interest.

TiredMumToTwo · 05/05/2017 13:33

One of my favourite things I learnt from my time as an outpatient in a MH hospital was to never use the word "should", it's changed the way I view so many things. Now I say "it would be good to walk the dogs this afternoon" rather than "I should walk the dogs..." puts a different spin on things and stops guilt from the past.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 05/05/2017 14:34

yes! to ^
Definitely look at your internal talk- "I am choosing to go to work today" etc

And physical exercise really really helps me, as does socialising, with the right people.

And corny as hell, having something to look forward to. Even if it's a whole arctic roll I just ate by myself, oops.

stuckinthehouse · 05/05/2017 14:38

I'd highly recommend reading the Bible.

Original poster

Chester25 · 05/05/2017 17:58

I really appreciate all the advice and help on here
Thanks so much .I will try some of these things

OP posts:

notanevilstepmother · 05/05/2017 18:44

Imagine it was your friend feeling like this and not you.

Do the things for yourself that a good friend would do to cheer someone up.

Take yourself for a manicure, go for a coffee, have a day at a museum. Make a real point of treating yourself once or twice a week. Make an effort to wear nice clothes and do your hair. Even if you don't feel like it, its a good way to fight back.

You are important and you need looking after, looking after yourself is a good way to feel better about things.

HeyMacWey · 05/05/2017 18:51

Definitely try emdr. My dh found it really worked.
You may be able to get it on the NHS through your local iapt service or if not, depending on what you need you may be able to do it on a few sessions which shouldn't cost too much.

MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2017 19:02

If you are going over and over events in your mind it can be helpful to simply notice that this is what you are doing and gently divert your thoughts elsewhere.

I've found Alexander Technique very helpful, it helps release body and mind in just ten minutes. There is a free guided session halfway down This Page

I'm in a similar situation and when I apply all the stuff above not the bible I tend to get on better than when I can't be bothered and dwell.

limon · 05/05/2017 19:03

Emdr is the best thing for ptsd. I found it very helpful.

Rinkydinkypink · 05/05/2017 19:10

Mindfulness! Meditation. Start a journal and get your feelings out. Definitely reframe the should statements. These do nothing other than add stress.

Do things to bring your mind to the now! Talk about it. Look at EFT on YouTube. It's really quite amazing how it works.

Do something restful and creative. Colouring, gardening, decorating, baking, sewing, knitting.

Take time out for you and recognise mental trauma is no different to a joint injury. You need to look after yourself to get better.

I'd also like you to be aware that although the past has been and gone and your focus needs to be now. You should really respect yourself for coming this far. Trauma is a horrible thing but it doesn't have to define you 💐

Rinkydinkypink · 05/05/2017 19:15

Forgot to add stop caffeine. Reduce sugar and eat a really good balanced diet. Increase your B vitamins.

redexpat · 05/05/2017 19:25

Set some goals. Eg I aim to have 5 cultural outings every year. So far this year Ive done a choral weekend, seen a musical, seen a play streamed to a cinema and next week im takind dd to peter and the wolf, and next month going to the ballet for free!

Start a happiness board. Everytime you do something put a momento up there. A ticket stub, a flyer etc. It serves as a visual reminder of what youve done.

These and other excellent ideas can be found in the book how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It really helped me.

TronaldDump · 05/05/2017 19:45

Like tippy I got a dog. Forced me out for long walks twice a day and gave me something to focus on (even if it was despair at toilet training at times). I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling, you sound like you've been very strong and proactive so far and I hope you can find something that helps

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