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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be beyond annoyed at this?

24 replies

Namechange325 · 04/05/2017 21:12

Okay. There was an incident between me and now xdp.
I ended up ringing the police and then refused to give a formal statement as I dont want him getting in trouble for it.
He was looking at assault and ABH. I did tell the police what happened but refused to sign anything and would not go make a formal statement.
Anyway the police said they would need to interview so I obviously (like a idiot) rang him and told him what was going on.
He gave a statement to the police which was 100% not true but got him off with a lighter charge (common assault)

This wouldnt bother me we have decided we dont work and I question why i didnt press charges. He is also thankful I didnt.

Anyway hes got to go court and he keeps ringing me going over and over it all. In the sense "well they cant get me for this" or "I wouldnt cope in jail"

Its starting to piss me off. The fact im a idiot and didnt press charges anyway is bad enough but he keeps going on as if he is innocent! Which he 100% is not and also the I wouldnt cope in jail comments im a bit like well you shouldnt of done it then!

Aibu to think hes being a prick wanting me to feel sorry for him because he might go jail? Even tho hes been told a million times by police and sol he wont!

OP posts:

ZilphasHatpin · 04/05/2017 21:14

Stop taking his calls!! He is an ex. You don't need to speak to him, you aren't his therapist.

Greyponcho · 04/05/2017 21:14

YANBU to stand your ground.
He's lucky you've been so lenient with him so far.
Change your phone number of block him and go total NC.
He's made his bed...

MycatsaPirate · 04/05/2017 21:14

You should have made a statement and signed it. You should have pressed charges.

And you should just cut this dickhead out of your life. Block his number.

I'm not sure why you are annoyed, most of this is down to you not actually making a statement in the first place and then ringing him to tip him off.

Original poster

Namechange325 · 04/05/2017 21:19

I didnt make statements for a number of reasons.
I feel like I should give him sone sort of support im sure what he is facing isnt at all pleasant however its the fact he seems to of convinced himself his version of events is true!
Hes not really a bad guy and as I said a number of factors were at play here but im still a bit peeved by the whole thing

OP posts:

Greyponcho · 04/05/2017 21:23

If he's convinced himself he's innocent then he's more dangerous than you think.
What makes you think he won't do the same or worse to another person?

Original poster

Namechange325 · 04/05/2017 21:35

I dont think he would as I say its very complex

OP posts:

Gingernaut · 04/05/2017 21:38

Block him. His phone. All social media. Everything.

You owe him nothing.

Don't entertain any sympathetic feelings for him.

If he's tough enough to do the crime then he's tough enough to do the time.

loveslipstick · 04/05/2017 21:47

YABU for calling police and then not making a statement .... wasting their time

haveacupoftea · 04/05/2017 21:48

So he assaulted you, and he's ringing you wanting you to feel sorry for him I also think you should block his number.

Floggingmolly · 04/05/2017 21:51

Why would you call the police but refuse to give a statement because you didn't want him getting in trouble??
What did you imagine would happen?

ollieplimsoles · 04/05/2017 21:51

I ended up ringing the police and then refused to give a formal statement as I dont want him getting in trouble for it.

op, I dont know your situation but he assaulted you, he needs to learn the consequences of that.

April229 · 04/05/2017 21:58

Seriously?

The only thing you should feel annoyed over is that rather than him facing the charges he deserves for ABH, which are for actually harming you, you are covering for him making the police and courts job harder and letting him believe his fantasy that what he is doing is ok. It's not.

I would have been more understanding of your situation if he had fully taken on board what he had done and sought help. The Fact that YOU have downplayed the whole thing and seem to agree that there are factors that make it not his fault is confirming for him that he is innocent really and it's not his fault.

He has learnt nothing from this and you are making it easier for him to learn nothing from this. Block his number you can't be surprised that he things you can still be friends if you are happy to overlook what he has done.

I feel sorry for the next person he does this too.

MycatsaPirate · 04/05/2017 22:02

He's not really a bad guy.

Actual bodily harm.

No, he seems lovely.

tralaaa · 04/05/2017 22:06

You are. As my mother would say running with the foxes and hunting with the hounds

AmeliaLion · 04/05/2017 22:37

It is good that you called the police, even though he is only being done for common assault. It is better than nothing, and may make him think twice before doing it again. Lots of (most?) people don't report domestic violence at all, so you have done well to get that far. Don't beat yourself up for not signing a statement.

I would definitely block his number though. You aren't an idiot for being annoyed by his calls, and you need to take steps to totally oust him from your life.

Original poster

Namechange325 · 05/05/2017 09:15

I dont see getting him removed from the property as a waste of time also telling me I should of given a statement isnt much help either as I didnt and nor do I plan to.
As iv stated it alot more complex then this post but given details would be to obvious had there not of been other factors I would have made a statement and would of got him charged with abh but as iv said its alot more complex.
Im sure many people ring the police for situations such as this and then dont make charges and im also sure many people dont ring at all.
I thought I should give him support while going through the courts which is why I allowed him to ring however I see your all right and im a bit ridiculous to think of his mental state rather then my own.

Thank you to those who posted helpful advice

OP posts:

sonjadog · 05/05/2017 09:26

You are not obliged to support someone who is going through the court for assaulting you. You can cut him off and tell him to get his support elsewhere.

Also, you mention that the situation was complexed. No matter what happened and what the circumstances were, it is never ever okay for a man to be violent to a woman (or the other way round). There are no circumstances in which that is okay. What he did cannot be excused in any way.

wowfudge · 05/05/2017 09:34

Hang on - he committed a more serious offence than the one he's been charged with and he is repeatedly ringing you? Do the words witness intimidation ring a bell? Tell the police he keeps contacting you and don't answer the phone to him. Ever again.

Why on earth would you support someone who attacked you? You might benefit from some counselling as it sounds as though he has manipulated you and that he is not taking responsibility for his actions.

Original poster

Namechange325 · 05/05/2017 10:06

wowfudge to be honest it seems your probably right.

How would I go about getting counselling?

OP posts:

Gottagetmoving · 05/05/2017 10:12

Hes not really a bad guy

Errrm,.....YES he IS a bad guy.
Good guys done inflict ABH!
There is no way you can get him to accept the truth of the situation. It is because he makes up his own version of events that he feels justified in doing what he does!
You should not be speaking to him at all or being concerned whether he gets into trouble or goes to prison.

Gottagetmoving · 05/05/2017 10:13

Don't...not done!

shakingmyhead1 · 06/05/2017 04:10

he put his hands on you and you had to call the police to have him removed? ( i assume so he didnt hurt you worse?)
Now hes making out he is innocent?
you know the steps of an abuser...
manipulation
Isolation
Verbal abuse
physical abuse

and in all of these it generally gets "im sorry but" or "im sorry it will never happen again you just made me so mad"
He will never accept he is in the wrong, it will always be your fault and he will ALWAYS be justified in hitting/bashing you as you made him do it!
Make a stand and tell him "it is not my fault" " its not me its you" and don't ever forget that every time he calls he is manipulating you or attempting to manipulate you in to letting him get away from facing the consequences of his actions!
If another random stranger in the street did whatever he did to you, wouldn't you be all for having them face all the punishment the courts could give?

Start reminding yourself "im worth it" maybe one day you will actually believe it and stop giving people permission to treat you badly

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/05/2017 05:03

"The fact im a idiot and didnt press charges anyway is bad enough but he keeps going on as if he is innocent! Which he 100% is not and also the I wouldnt cope in jail comments im a bit like well you shouldnt of done it then!"
So, he keeps going on as if he is innocent. Have a think about that. The Relationships board is full of threads describing abusive exes rewriting history and convincing others, and most importantly THEMSELVES, that their new fictional version of the past is actually fact. This could well be what he is doing here. Which could mean that he will start getting abusive to you again because you are lying - in his new fictional fantasy-world-that-never-was. And even if he doesn't, he'll hold onto the fantasy that he is innocent, the injured party, and he may well convince others. Including any future girlfriends - well, until he does it again. I know you've said "I dont think he would as I say its very complex" - but I think you might just be mistaken.

And these phonecalls are probably aimed at persuading you to lie in court. I presume you will be being called as a witness/victim? And if you are called, for fuck's sake turn up and tell the truth! You are doing him no favours at all if you shield him from the consequences of his own actions. All that does is reinforce his I-am-innocent conviction, and that is not a good thing for him or anyone around him.

TheStoic · 06/05/2017 05:50

Have you blocked all contact with him now?

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