AIBU to quit this group? And if IANBU how do I do it??

[Skitskatskoodledoot]

I'm relatively new to the area where I live. I miss the close friends I had in our old village, but those relationships took years to build. I've been lucky to make a few nice friends here, but I'm definitely open to meeting more people.

Several months ago, one of my new friends invited me to join a small group that meets monthly to do a hobby we both enjoy. (The dreaded MN "hobby"... I swear it's nothing interesting!). It's primarily a social thing really. They've been meeting for years and I was invited to replace someone who had moved away. I've attended a few "meetings" and found the other women to be very pleasant. They do all know each other quite well, know about each other's jobs, the names of each others' kids, etc., so I sometimes find it hard to follow the conversation. They make an effort to fill me in and include me in the discussion, but of course that only goes so far. Honestly I could see myself becoming friends with some of them if I saw them more often, but it's only a monthly group. Everyone seems quite busy with work/family, and I just don't get the sense that any of them are looking for new friends. I've recently found myself dreading the meetings, not because I don't like the group but because it takes up time I would normally spend with my DH. I do go out without him quite regularly, but it has to be "worth it," if that makes sense, and this group just doesn't feel worth it to me right now. Not to mention the energy it takes to go out on a weeknight!

How do I bow out gracefully? The group is small and everyone usually attends so I can't just keep missing meetings. I also really don't want to offend my lovely friend who invited me. She knows I enjoy the hobby and that I am fine with going out on weeknights so I can't use those excuses.

Or should I force myself to keep going?? In the interest of full disclosure, I am moderately depressed right now and my default setting is to stay home and do nothing. I'm working on that but in the meantime it feels like a lot of effort to go out and chat with people I don't really know. But perhaps when I emerge from the tunnel I will regret giving up this opportunity to get to know some nice, interesting women. Part of why I don't want to go is because I feel like I'm not presenting my real self, as my depressed self is quite different, even down to the way I look. I'm way overdue for a haircut/color and I can't be arsed with putting on makeup. Plus I've gained loads of weight so I don't fit into my normal clothes and I end up wearing the few frumpy things that fit.

AIBU to quit the group and if not, what do I say? I might be comfortable telling my friend about being depressed but it's certainly not something I want to share with the group.

I'd keep going. It's only once a month and you quite like both group and hobby. You've got 29/30 other days in the month to see DH.

Tough one.

I'd say absolutely quit - your time is precious and life is too short to waste doing stuff that isn't valuable - except obviously you're conscious that your depression may be making you want to be a bit of a recluse.

Could you promise yourself that you'll quit once you've found something you enjoy more? Then that can be your excuse. So if you currently do this hobby on the first Tuesday of the month, for example, you could find a choir or book group or fitness class or something that meets on a Tuesday, and do that instead...?

I think you need to fake it 'til you make it OP, this will do you good in the long run, I feel it's the depression trying to control your behaviour. I think you're right in that you'll regret giving it up when you're feeling well again.

I think maybe it's the depression that's making you want to not go?

Now you have said you are suffering from depression I would say keep goingYou don't look forward to it but it sounds like it's fine once you are there and you need to force yourself to do things because it's easy to never leave the house if you allow yourself . You could also be proactive and suggest a meet up with them at another time so that it's not only once a month and you can get to know them a bit better. You say they are nice and you say you want to make friends so i think leaving is a bad idea.

Thanks, this is good. Maybe I just need a good kick in the pants to make me go.

Times like these I really appreciate MN, btw. I love that total strangers have taken the time to read my rambling and give me thoughtful advice. Thank you.

I know exactly where you're coming from OP - I am also in dire need of a haircut, magic weightloss cure, make-up gun and general tidy-up. And I cancel and avoid going out and socialising because I don't want people to see / be subjected to this inferior version of me.

But I do think you should keep going. Socialising is one of those things where the less you do, the less you want to do.

Either that or we buy adjoining caves and become hermits together?

OP i am in the opposite situation, I'm in a group that has recently had a new person join, and it is hard that we all know each other and have done for years....but there is still a good proportion of the time devoted to the hobby which the new person can easily join in with. We do try and be aware she doesn't know all about our lives and kids, but it's not possible to totally avoid personal talk, especially since for some of us this is the main time we meet.
I say fake it till you make it. Maybe suggest another, independent meet up to which a smaller number might come, hence more chance to get to know them?

Never mind the group....can you colour yr hair yourself? Look for some cheep but fitting clothes.primark is cheep and up to date ..splurge on a trim...all these things might help you feel better

I would keep going. I suffer from depression too so I recognize the feeling of just wanting to stay home, but it is important not be become isolated. Also, long term you need friends in your locality, and they aren't going to arrive without going through this acquaintance stage that you are in now.

Keep going OP - it's only one evening a month and I would imagine that it's for no more than a couple of hours or so. It's no bad thing to get yourself out of the house for a short while and mix with people other than family members, especially when you don't feel at your best.

I know it's not easy when you join a group that's well established as it's hard not to feel a bit of an outsider but as you all have a shared interest and they have been welcoming towards you I bet it won't be long before you begin to look forward to going.

Hope you feel better soon

I'd say keep going too! Sounds like the depression talking.
Maybe you should make more of an effort to get to know them? Suggest a coffee with one or two of them in between meetings?
After a few months when you've got to know them if you still don't like it then quit.

I know depression is different for everyone, but my depression manifested by me wanting to stay home and never see anyone. If I did stay home and cancel plans, I felt shit afterwards. If I forced myself out of the house to meet people, I hated it for the first 5 minutes but was pleased I'd done it, it was a baby step forwards!
Based on that alone I'd say keep going...

I think although it seems hard sometimes. Would it feel harder being lonelier?

They sound lovely trying to fill you in on everything and in a few months from now you will know everything!

One day you'll not be the new lady, and that'll feel great because you will still remember how it felt and that is where the kindness comes from.

I say keep it up. As someone who has previously given up potential friends and still occasionally regret it. A social life with people who feel the same is something you just can't buy.

But whatever you choose, I hope it's the right answer for you. Depression is crippling I've seen it. Sometimes you have to do what is right, and sometimes you have to do you. Our opinions as strangers can help you see but only you know what is truly the best decision.

Go for what you believe for the long run and not just what feels good right now. And keep us updated because I love finding out endings it helps others eventually!

I think you should keep going because if you are depressed, now is not the time to make decisions that make your life smaller. There are times in life when you need to simplify and cut down on things, but - in general - the messages that are telling you to do this when you are depressed are not coming from a good place.

you can always change your mind in the future. I would keep going for now.

If you think you will need to miss the odd session, because you just utterly can't face it, have an excuse ready so that you can just miss one session and not burn your bridges. Anything will do, even a heavy cold or the dog is throwing up.

Please don't stop going! It's only once a month but it's a chance to get out of the house and socialise with others. Are you getting help for your depression? Trying to make an effort will help your self-esteem. Get your hair trimmed, buy a good home colour, get some different clothes from a charity shop if you have good ones near you or look on eBay, put on a bit of concealer, mascara and coloured lip balm. You will feel better about yourself if you persist. Good luck.

Could you give yourself a deadline - say, four months, and if you're still not enjoying it by then, quit? This would also mean you could sow the seeds of possibly having to stop going early on, which might enable you to leave more gracefully when the time comes.

Keep going. You said in your previous village it took a few years.

With the depression (if you are like me) you need to keep busy. Would it affect you much if your depression if you stopped going? I ask as , for me, that would be another "failure" on my part but you could be completely different.

Have you approached them about meeting outside of the hobby?

I wish I had a hobby which allowed me to make friends. Make the best of it x

I would keep going. It is only one day per month and you might start to enjoy it as you get to know these people better. If you have depression, they may prove important in your life in the future as a source of social support.

One of my red flags that my depression is gathering momentum again is the desire to do nothing and stay in. If you can manage it, do. It is just that once a month, and doing things that interest you are good for the depression. GL op

'I think you should keep going because if you are depressed, now is not the time to make decisions that make your life smaller.'

Spot on.

with things like these, it's the regularity that counts, just being part of things. They sound like a really nice bunch of women. As time passes, the odd extra event will crop up, which you'll be part of. People will miss you on the odd occasion you're not there. In a way, you're investing now to reap dividends later - in social/community life and in your mental health.

I think the wanting t spend time with your DH is a bit of an excuse isn't it?

Keep going! It sounds like you just need t bed in a bit more

Are you getting any help / support with your depression?

Dont give up, you say you miss your old friends so you need to make new ones and this is the start of new friendships, your best ever friend could be in that group and you just dont know it yet.