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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU expecting DH to come home earlier?

20 replies

snowfee · 04/05/2017 15:30

DH works full time in agriculture and also looks after cows on his parents farm (he does that after work and on the weekends). During the week he'll finish is full time job 6ish then goes to his parents farm to sort the cows out, then comes home about 7:30pm. I'm used to this, I understand that he needs to do this and I think it's amazing that he effectively has both a full time and part time jobs.
Today, he worked until midday then called in sick due to a panic attack. Instead of going home, he went to his parents to sort out the cows, so far I'm in agreement that this makes sense to do. However, when I ask what time is his coming home (cos I'm thinking yay he'll be home earlier tonight and we can spend quality time taking about how he's feeling and what happened in work), he replied "hopefully not too late" which generally means 7-7:30pm
AIBU to expect that instead of coming home at 7:30pm he'll actually come home maybe sometime closer to 6pm at the latest? He's had from midday to sort out the cows and see his family. He didn't get home until 9:30pm last night due to a cow emergency (which I understand). I struggle to find the words to respond to him other than "yeah, I really hope you won't be too late" which comes out really sarcastic.

OP posts:

carjacker1985 · 04/05/2017 15:32

Why don't you ask him why he'll be so late, given the circumstances?

It seems weird that he is sick enough to call into work but not sick enough to work with the cows, but maybe i've missed the point of the thread.

DoItTooJulia · 04/05/2017 15:34

No, you're not being unreasonable.

I'm not sure what his employer would make of it either really-too sick to work the full time job, but not too sick to do the part time one? And during the hours he is supposed to be at his full time job.

I'm not saying he's not unwell-but it would definitely make me wonder how unwell he actually was iyswim?

Is there more going on with his parents?

araiwa · 04/05/2017 15:35

i dont get how having a panic attack means he can do one job but not the other

leaving directly from one because youre ill and going directly to another is taking the piss

froyotogo · 04/05/2017 15:36

Don't you have to milk cows at 6pm?

Original poster

snowfee · 04/05/2017 15:55

His panic attack was about the work he was doing. It was a new task he was asked to do (spreading pig poo in fields) and he panicked as he had intrusive thoughts that the fumes were doing him damage and freaked out. Not sure why it freaked out about this, he doesn't know either but he suffers from intrusive irrational thoughts sometimes (don't we all to some degree) So he was able to go and sort out the cows as he knows that won't harm him, he's never worked with pigs before.
Oh and they are beef cows so no milking involved, just feeding and cleaning out their beds & yard.

OP posts:

Original poster

snowfee · 04/05/2017 15:56

@DoItTooJulia Thank you for your first sentence!

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gamechangenamechange · 04/05/2017 15:59

I don't think you can sort cows out earlier than normal, I think they are on a schedule. If he normally does something with them at 6, it has to be done at 6, you can't bump it earlier, unfortunately (esp. milking/feeding calves sort of a thing)

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/05/2017 16:00

Sorry I think YABU. Farming is isn't like a 9-5 or 9-6 job. I come from a farming family and I don't know anyone who would be home by 6 unless they had other people to cover for them. It's the nature of the work I'm afraid. In fact I would say you're lucky he's not getting in at about 10pm. My dad's dad was combine harvesting until 10pm on summer nights. My other grandad had cows, sheep, and when he wasn't outside on the farm he was at auctions, doing paperwork, you name it. He even had a little CCTV monitor by the side of his bed in case any of his cows went in to labour.

RiversrunWoodville · 04/05/2017 16:06

Oh the joys of being an Agri widow (flowers just don't cut it!) no fwiw you aren't being unreasonable although for your DH sorting out the cows probably made him feel better as it's a task he's used to doing and good at. My DH is a veg farmer and would and used to work the clock round until it was duely pointed out to him that we have no choice but to pay employees who have to earn that and while there are certain jobs only he/I can do we aren't earning enough to work 24/7 while others are looking for something to do and the kids will only be young once so we can't get this time back.

Birdsgottaf1y · 04/05/2017 16:11

Perhaps he didn't want to talk about what happened and could forget about it, or rather not dwell on it and make himself more anxious, by throwing himself into useful work.

There's usually a lot of feelings of guilt and a level of shame/self hatred, when you can't go to work because of a fear/anxiety.

If you are feeling that you don't have enough time together, generally, then that needs a discussion.

If you're sure that he isn't up-to anything he shouldn't be, then you've got to let him deal with things in his own way.

RhodaBorrocks · 04/05/2017 16:17

I understand the reason why he's had to go off sick and that cows need to be looked after on a schedule, but if I did something like that and had a panic attack over my first job but carried on working at my second job I would be found guilty of gross misconduct and dismissed from my first job immediately.

Your DH needs to tread carefully and make sure his workplace allows this. Jobsworths wouldn't see this as him helping out family, they would seem it as moonlighting.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/05/2017 16:21

In the kindest way possible, YABU. Farming doesn't work like that. There's always more to do, always , and 7:30pm is pretty early in my opinion. It would make sense to me to work to normal time, even if I had gone to the family farm earlier than I had anticipated, and get some of the jobs done which can sometimes be pushed to one side when it's busy but are still essential tasks. I find it is something you either get or you don't, unfortunately. Personally, I grew up on a farm and live on a farm now with my agri-contractor DP (who also farms). I almost forget I have him in the summer when he's leaving at 5:30am and coming back at gone midnight. I wish sometimes that he didn't work the hours he does but it is what it is and will always be that way, so I have two choices really.
Your DP knows what he's doing with his parents' farm I imagine and so I get that he would find that easier and certainly more comforting following a panic attack at his FT job.

Guepe · 04/05/2017 16:30

I think he's having an emotional affair with the cows.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/05/2017 16:31

Guepe's suggestion is also a very real possibility. Fucking cows.

Not literally, mind.

Original poster

snowfee · 04/05/2017 17:13

So a lot of comments telling me this is the way it is in farming. I know what farming involves, I know all about being a calfing season widow, a silage season widow, a hay season widow, we are not in those seasons at the moment. We've just left calfing season and silaging isn't here quite yet. All he has to do at the farm weekdays at the moment is clean the yard, their beds and put a bale of hay out for the cows. He does not do this to the same schedule every day, it depends on what work and hours he is doing in his full time job. When he is out making hay until midnight for full time role he does the cows in the mornings.
I guess I was too hopeful to think he might make the effort to come home at a decent time on one occasion.

OP posts:

EphraimWaite · 04/05/2017 17:21

I can't really judge whether YABU as I don't understand why, when you got his response, you didn't just say "but presumably you'll be home earlier than usual since you left so much earlier?" Unless I'm misreading what you've written you don't even know what time to expect him back, you're just guessing?

junebirthdaygirl · 04/05/2017 18:27

Sounds like he make be overdoing it with 2 jobs hence the panic attack. Its not easy being a farmers wife . I was brought up on a farm and would find it difficult. But l would say sticking to his routine helps to calm him.

scottishdiem · 04/05/2017 18:45

Does he find the cows thing a return to normality and less panic inducing? He knows the cows, the environment and his parents are equally valid places to goes when stressed.

Maybe he wants to come home normal as opposed to all panicked?

I think you are being unreasonable until you have a complete picture to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 04/05/2017 18:57

Honestly if my husband was having irrational intrusive thoughts to the extent he had a panic attack and had to leave work I'd be deeply deeply concerned about his mental health.

You seem to think it's a bit meh and normal and it's not your main concern. He even went home to his family rather than come home to you after something that was clearly traumatic for him.

For me these two things would be my primary concern. Neither seem to be yours.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 04/05/2017 19:30

😂 okay then.
Why didn't you just ask him to come home earlier?

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