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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask if 6 year old tantrums are normal?

31 replies

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 14:32

DS had a classmate round last night. They are not really close friends, but have got on OK before and I always try to encourage DS to play with everyone.
His friend is a lovely kid but a bit more mature than DS and a tendency to lead and overrule. DS wanted to play one thing; friend wanted to do another and DS had a meltdown. Obviously I told him this was unacceptable at the time and we've had a chat since.
But he did the same with me recently when I made him do his reading immediately after breakfast (instead of a bit of to and then reading, which is our normal routine ata weekend)
As far as I know, there are no autism/Asperger concerns. His teacher has mentioned ADHD before but never followed it up as his concentration has improved since the start of the year.
DS is otherwise a lovely, caring lad with lots of friends. The tantrums seem to have come from nowhere. No home life upsets or anything to add to his stress. We have been very busy lately and he does a lot of after school clubs, so I wonder if I need to cut down.
Anyone with similar experience or advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 14:33

Read
instead of a bit of tv

OP posts:

Starduke · 04/05/2017 14:42

Oh my 5.5 year old gets so ANGRY now. He never really had tantrums as a toddler but since turning 5 he has had some whoppers. Not so much lying on the floor, but stomping about, slamming doors, growling at everyone.

So annoying - I keep telling him he can talk to me and tell me what's wrong (sometimes it's hard to know) but he just won't.

And he strops about the slightest of things - DH corrected him in his counting this weekend and he stropped for 45 minutes and only stopped because it was lunchtime and I said he'd be eating lunch by himself in his bedroom if he didn't.

I get the feeling that he just goes too far and doesn't know how to come back again.

No advice really, although we have had a bit of success with a "black mark" chart - if he loses his temper or is very naughty he gets a black mark. No idea what we'll actually do if he gets one but for the moment just the threat of a black mark calms him.

Original poster

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 14:45

Sounds like my DS Starduke. We get the growling too. So far I've told him no more play dates until he can control himself.
I could try a reward system. It worked a treat when toilet training, but I wondered if it would still fit the circumstances. Worth a try I guess.

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/05/2017 14:53

Well I only have a survey sample of 2 dds, now 6 & 8, but neither of them have had a tantrum, or anything similar, since they were about 3 yo.

statetrooperstacey · 04/05/2017 14:53

Just checking in with sympathy really, not going to give advice. My 6 year old is an angel, my 11 year old still has regular tantrums now.

Apparently saying your child has meltdowns is offensive on mn unless they They have some kind of additional needs, so expect someone to come on and bollock you but offer no help.

My 11 year old breaks and throws things spits screams hisses and also growls. He's really strong. I could fucking cry sometimes. I'm going to watch and hopefully pinch some if your advice.

for you op.

I am reading divas and dictators, hoping it will help. Have a look at that.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/05/2017 14:54

I'm sorry, I responded to your thread title, rather than last question, so my response wasn't helpful. Sorry.

EmmaWoodlouse · 04/05/2017 14:58

6 was a very difficult age for both of my DSs - much more so than the so-called "terrible 2s" which weren't really too bad. It's when school is beginning to be a bit more structured and my theory is that they just find it hard to be self-disciplined all the time. Instead of saying he can have any more friends over as a punishment, could you say you know he found it hard to cope/get on with his friend after a full day at school so you think he'd better not have friends over again until he's a little bit older and can cope with a longer day?

Original poster

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 14:59

Thanks statetrooper. I'm not a regular MNetter, so don't know all the politics of what language to use. I'll look forward to the "help"! I don't mean full-on meltdown. More like slamming doors, shouting, and then sulking in his room before calming down relatively quickly. Seems bad enough, but obviously picked the wrong word!
for you too. If it's any consolation, I have a friend with an 11 year old, who sounds very similar to yours. Hope it improves xx

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Original poster

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 15:04

I think I'll say friends only over in the holidays for the moment Emma.
I agree about the increase in school structure and expectation of self -discipline being part of it. I asked his teacher about whether the bad behaviour happened at school. Thankfully it doesn't, but she said that because DS is quite bright, he may only just have bee hit by what hard work is, iyswim, and this may affect him at home.

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Rinkydinkypink · 04/05/2017 15:04

Mine had tantrums but they were instantly sent to their room and told its not acceptable at their age. We would negotiate when they calmed down.

It was rough going till they understood.

Couchpotato3 · 04/05/2017 15:04

My DS had his last tantrum aged 14.... (door slamming, screaming, crying, the whole nine yards). Unless it's happening regularly I wouldn't worry too much about it. Frustration, tiredness and hunger were the usual combination that set my DS off.

Does he calm down enough for you to talk it over afterwards so that you can work out what triggered the upset? Tantrums are pretty exhausting and upsetting for both you and your child. My DS still finds it difficult to open up about things when he is distressed, but I try to make it as easy as I can for him - let him know that I can see he is upset about something, and that he can talk to me when he's ready. That seems to have done the trick in recent years.

Rinkydinkypink · 04/05/2017 15:07

Best way to stop it. Ask him very early on and sternly. Would this be acceptable behaviour at school. What would happen to him at school if he behaved like that. What makes him think it's ok at home when clearly it's not and he can control it in school.

Original poster

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 15:21

He does calm down and can usually articulate the problem later couch. He knows he can talk to us about anything. We'll listen, even if we can't always help (as in the case of the play date). He knows we love him whatever, but also understands this behaviour is unacceptable. It does mostly happen when tired or hungry. I'll definitely try and reward chart as he loves stickers from school.

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hiccupgirl · 04/05/2017 15:36

My 7 yr old DS has regular outbursts still - he has been better more recently but any additional stress or pressure at school or any issues with his friends and we willget a huge blow up at home. He is very well behaved at school because he hates to be trouble but this means he can't cope with getting angry or upset there and so brings it all back with him to let out where it's safe too.

It's really not helpful to suggest that because they can control themselves at school, they should be able to at home too. Lots of kids behave well act well at school but then need to let it out at home. Bit like, adults may have a rant at home after a difficult day at work.

user1492528619 · 04/05/2017 15:39

Absolutely normal.

He's six, he can't process his emotions as adults can and even with the perfect parent, he still doesn't understand how to deal with this. Sometimes, some kids more than others, this results in a huge emotional outpouring in the form of a tantrum.

Adults do it too to some extent but have a far better control of it. It will diminish over time as he gets over.

He is completely normal and you are a good mum.

SecretNetter · 04/05/2017 15:47

we have had a bit of success with a "black mark" chart - if he loses his temper or is very naughty he gets a black mark

Ouch. I don't think that's a great idea at all. Charts are supposed to reinforce good behaviour - stars and praise for every good action. A black mark staring at him all day/week because he did xyz wrong is unlikely to have any positive outcome IMO.

budgiegirl · 04/05/2017 15:48

Totally normal. My 11 year old DD had one on Monday when we told her to do her homework. She yelled, kicked her feet, screamed into the cushions on the sofa, slid off the sofa onto the floor, and writhed around on the floor like a mad thing. It was really a bit alarming to watch (although my DH just laughed at her, which didn't really help). It blew over quite quickly though, at which point she got up, and went to do her homework as though nothing had happened!

Children sometimes get cross about things ( as do adults ) and they don't always quite know how to handle their emtions, so it sometimes gets a bit out of hand. But it is normal.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 04/05/2017 15:51

My DD is 5.5 and has upped the ante regrading tantrums over the past fortnight. It's either tiredness or hormones I think, but they are so intense and she's really started lashing out. There's just no reasoning with her at the time. However, when she's calmed down she apologises and we discuss it...I really hope it's just a phase!

Original poster

ScoutFinchMockingbird · 04/05/2017 17:14

School just told me DS has a temperature and rash, so I don't think that helped on the play date. Doesn't make the other tantrums acceptable though! Thanks for all your reassurance

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SheRasBra · 04/05/2017 18:15

Could be just too tired now that school is requiring more focus and with clubs on top.

I found with DS at that age that he was so excited about play dates that he would then get almost overwhelmed if it didn't meet his completely unreasonable expectations! I found that they went more smoothly if I had at least one activity planned - make their own pizza (well, add toppings), make biscuits, paint etc. They may still need a bit of structure to take the pressure off and allow them to have fun.

He is probably just really tired and as another poster said, keeping it all in at school, lettin' it all out when he gets home!

isittheholidaysyet · 04/05/2017 18:23

My DD (age 6)had one last night.
Full on kicking, screaming lying on the floor, running away (into the road).

She hasn't had one like that for a while though.

milkmilklemonade12 · 04/05/2017 18:28

My DS is 6 and went through a phase of, when being told something he didn't like; lying face down on the floor in a sulk not talking to anyone. He could stay that way for up to half an hour!

We tried making him laugh to get him out of it, getting him to talk about it, rewards etc, but in the end we just ignored him until he was out of it and then had a quick chat about how we weren't going to stop asking him to tidy up or allow him to have endless snacks, that sort of thing and then we just left it.

He seems to be out the other side now, but I can see that ignoring a proper screaming tantrum could be out of the question! We were lucky that it was only sulking!

waterrat · 04/05/2017 18:32

They are still so young and yet school in the UK treat them as though they are ready to behave/ sit down/ learn all day - it's a long day at school 9 til 3 of concentrating and following instructions and working out what is normal social behaviour etc. really exhausting for them. I think it's totally normal

usefultoken · 04/05/2017 18:33

My 6 year old has a very similar pattern to yours op, standard behaviour angelic then suddenly wham all hell breaks lose. Hoping it's a stage.

usefultoken · 04/05/2017 18:33

Breaks loose!

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