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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider secretly saving from boozing and smoking dh??

16 replies

Frustratedboarder · 03/05/2017 23:27

Just that really. Dh spends about £40pw on booze and cigs (either at home or on quick after work drinks) and whilst this doesn't seem a lot to many people we have two DC under 5 and as I am a sahm every penny is more or less accounted for, and I don't think we can justify this expenditure on what amounts to dh's addictions. We do go out for drinks together at the weekends which the £40 doesn't include - dh thinks we should/could cut down on this but my argument is this is actually a social activity and a point in itself (we often go to child-friendly places with DC or meet other friends there) so shouldn't stop those outings purely so he can carry on boozing alone (or at least without me!)... He has even proposed I do extra shifts at the weekend (I do 3-4 shifts at a local place in the mornings when dh has DC) if I feel we are short financially - again, my view is it's hardly fair on DC that we sacrifice "family time" so I can work to basically offset his booze and fag money...

So, after yet more bloody arguments tonight I had a bit of a brainwave.. dh doesn't pay much attention to finances (just transfers over whatever I need when I need it to pay bills etc) so has no idea how much I/the family earn or spend per month... Would I be unreasonable to start siphoning off £20-30pw into a savings account here and there, both to give us a bit of a start to savings (we currently have Nothing!!) but also so I would have to start asking for more money and he'd Actually start to see that maybe he can't afford to keep spending that amount per week??

Relevant background: dh has Always been a bit of a boozer and party-goer (as did I pre-dc!) and Already feels he is sacrificing spending "as little" as he does, plus he has an overdraft facility and credit card that although are (apparently) not in use currently, he has not in the past been shy of using.......

Also if IABU, suggestions for getting him to grow up and act responsibly as opposed to still believing he is 25 Hmm much appreciated!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 03/05/2017 23:33

Additional info: I am constantly exasperated by the fact he seems to genuinely have no idea how much running a family costs - while I am permanently stressed out trying to save money/sell stuff on fb/jiggle funds to enable kids to do occasional activities etc it basically annoys the fuck out of me that we could have £20-30pw if he could basically bring himself to stop slowly killing himself!

Plus If I did the same we'd definitely be up Shit creek...!

OP posts:
Quickieat2 · 03/05/2017 23:34

Have you sat him down and explained how much he's pissing away each month and each year

fc301 · 03/05/2017 23:34

Hmm I feel your pain. If it was my DH it would take a few weeks to sink in and then he'd think it was his idea to cut back.
I don't think being anything less than open and honest is a good idea. How would you feel if you found out he was 'siphoning off' money because he had made a decision without telling you?

Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 03/05/2017 23:34

Apologies for long ranty posts! Blush dh is snoring beside me whilst I'm still fuming... Needed a bit of a vent, and hopefully some perspective?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 03/05/2017 23:40

Yes quickie, and he did nod sagely and mutter something about starting a budget but that was ages ago and since then he's changed jobs to something slightly lower paid as well.. he basically feels he needs it to unwind, but I (& countless other people!) manage to badly Unwind without spending that much! Maybe we need another convo, but I think he's going to feel "attacked" if I bring it up again anytime soon, I definitely hammered my point home tonight....

I know what you mean FC but I wouldn't tell him it was like that would I, the money would just be available if and when we needed it....

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 04/05/2017 01:48

I think you should. You may end up needing it for a 'fuck you fund'. That's money set aside to get you by when you decide to leave.

I couldn't live with someone that selfish. The idea that he suggested you work extra hours to fund his habit took my breath away. He obviously doesn't see it like that, he sees it as "You need extra? You work for it". He obviously puts his booze and fags ahead of the family's needs.

barefoofdoctor · 04/05/2017 06:49

Always have an escape fund. I'd be inclined to squirrel away £40pw.

43percentburnt · 04/05/2017 06:57

Yes you need an escape fund. I doubt he will become less selfish as he ages. He is looking out for his number 1, it's worth you looking out for you and your kids as I don't think his family is his priority. I would want to see the credit card and bank statements.

I bet you would be financially better off, and less stressed about money without him.

If you worked full time would he do 50% of the household chores, bills, kids etc?

pluck · 04/05/2017 14:59

Hell, that's a terrible situation. I think you're quite right to analyse it the way you do: that he is leeching money from everyone else. Is there anyone else he might listen to, e.g. a family member or friend, who could support your point of view?

RedSkyAtNight · 04/05/2017 15:08

I'm a bit confused.
If you're short of money now, how will have you any to put in a savings account? If you're not short of money, then DH's drinking/smoking surely doesn't matter?

BarbaraofSeville · 04/05/2017 15:09

he is unreasonable to expect you to work more so he can have extra spending money. Do you get £40 pw to spend totally on yourself (not DCs or family days out)?

If that is not affordable, then he shouldn't get it either as personal spends for adults are the lowest priority and you should be splitting equally what is left after you have paid all bills, saved for annual and unpredictable expenses, bought groceries, paid for essential travel and family activities.

But yes, if he is spending £40 pw on himself YWNBU to put an equal amount away for yourself or spend it on your own things.

Coastalcommand · 04/05/2017 15:25

Quietly put away £40 a week. In a year that'll be £2,000. I save my 'fun money', my husband spends his. It makes me happier to know I have security.

RebelRogue · 04/05/2017 16:04

How much do you get a week to spend on yourself?

Doristhedodo · 04/05/2017 16:22

I've been in this position and when ever I brought up the subject I always got the tale that it was me overspending and needed to cut back, (even though I was expected to manage all finances so did have to spend considerably more than him) and that it was always someone else's fault that he needed to relax with beer and fags. Nothing changed with time. Definitely save for yourself, it will give you a little bit of security.

Kokusai · 04/05/2017 17:24

It doesn't make sense to me - how can you put money away when there isn't any spare money at the moment?

A better approach might be to agree some 'fun money' you each have then he can spend his on booze and you can save yours as your own money in your own name if you want.

Booshbeesh · 04/05/2017 17:56

Fuck you fund - genius

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