DP weekend away - or not

[Hedgeh0g]

This is identifying as fuck, but I can't be bothered to name change. If you know me in RL, be nice :)

I'll try to be succinct. We are part of a group of friends. One of the men has a significant birthday soon, and it was suggested/requested by his dw a couple of months back that the guys do something that weekend. Lovely idea. They said it was in hand.

Me and dp have two children. On a Sunday morning we have a (paid) activity that requires two people as one has to participate with one child and the other supervise the other. The only friend/family who could realistically help me with this is 10 miles away, doesn't drive, and would therefore need collecting and dropping back home. And lunch, because, that's polite. On my own I would probably just have toast.

I have been asking ever since this was suggested what the plans are and if they involve Sunday morning. I have been told consistently 'er, not sure'. I'm really not sure why it's so hard to just, you know, speak to each other. It is now this coming weekend, and I have had to say to friend/family that I might need her help but still don't know whether to confirm or not, because dp is still 'not sure' what is happening. I could of course just go ahead and arrange it. But given the choice, I would rather not drive 10 miles each way and cater lunch for someone whose help I don't actually need.

I've mentioned this to a couple of people in RL who have rolled their eyes indulgently and said something to the effect that 'boys' can't organise their way out of a paper bag. Which...oh, I just can't, I said I'd be succinct.

AIBU? On the other foot, would it be acceptable for me to say 'er, I might or might not be around this weekend, which I know will mean you have to make arrangements to get someone to take my place on Sunday, but then I might not actually go anywhere and just sit around the house eating biscuits instead'? Because if it is I know what I'll be doing next weekend.

Seriously though, I am what people would charitably call a 'planner' so I actually am unsure whether I'm being unreasonable here.

Without knowing what your Sunday morning activity is and how much it costs it is difficult to say but assuming it's something everyday like swimming then I'd just be inclined to miss the activity for a week if your DH turns out to be busy

I can see that it's annoying that you aren't bring told one way or another for definite but driving a 20 mile round trip to collect someone to help you out sounds like a lot if faff

'er not sure' means yes it's on a Sunday. You don't want the help so cancel the activity that weekend.

Fair enough. Weekend eating biscuits for me next weekend then.

If it is something like swimming, I would guess that the cost of picking up and delivering back your friend, and lunch, would be more expensive than the actual activity. So I would cancel the activity!
I imagine that your DH knows full well he will be away on Sunday morning, but wants you to get your friend to help so as to ease his guilt at the DC missing out.
Could you phone the DW up and ask her what is happening? Pick the phone up and tell OH that that is what you are about to do. You may find that he recovers his memory quite quickly, or you speak to the DW and find out what is actually happening.

Given it is now Wednesday and it's this weekend I would say YANBU as to know of DP is here or not. But the rest of it YABU to not drive 10 miles each way for pick up (I do 20plus for DS and friends to do gymnastics on a Friday night) or give lunch. And u RBU to only have toast if DP is away - why don't you cook for yourself and DC?

I could of course just go ahead and arrange it. But given the choice, I would rather not drive 10 miles each way and cater lunch for someone whose help I don't actually need

Well that's just charming, I'm hoping this family member/ friend doesn't know you don't feel that way. If you don't need them you'd rather not bother. Lovely,

If he doesn't know he doesn't know. The issue is you will only use someone if there is a benefit in it for you.

Saltandvinegar I have no issue driving that far and giving lunch - I do it weekly for same friend/family when I do actually need their help with watching dc, and am very grateful they are there. But if I arrange to do that on Sunday and then dp doesn't actually go anywhere and could have saved me the effort just by being a grown up and able to organise his life, I'd be annoyed. Maybe that's unreasonable.

One dc is a baby and doesn't exactly need lunch catering. The other one's favourite lunch is peanut butter on toast, which I will happily also eat. But call me uptight, but somehow peanut butter on toast doesn't seem a suitable lunch to give someone who has just done you a massive favour.

but call me uptight, but somehow peanut butter on toast doesn't seem a suitable lunch to give someone who has just done you a massive favour

Totally. You wouldn't actually want their company. It's all about paying for the service and you don't want to be doing that if you don't actually need the service.

Am also very conscious that friend/family member may also have better things to be doing.

Fuck it, will just not go.

I just wish I had the luxury of being quite so flaky about my whereabouts at any given time.

But it sounds like you do have an issue. Why not make a day of it with a lovely lunch - or if that doesn't sit with you, what are you going to do to get your DP to be a grown up?

We, nope, I'd have given DH a deadline - if I don't know what you're doing by Wednesday I'm not arranging for any help on Sunday and you'll just have to make sure you're around to help. I wouldn't waste someone else's time and my effort just to allow DH to piddle about dithering and mithering.

But since this is AIBU then obviously the first few replies had to include the Professionally Offended brigade making you feel like hammered crap for wanting to be treated like your time matters too

Can't you just cancel the activity for this week if it turns out your husband isn't here?

It all sounds like a lot of angst for a karate lesson or whatevs.

Oh is this little kickers or something?

Give it a miss. DH go on the weekend and then you do something nice without hassle from him in the future.

Sorted.

Oh just cancel the activity this weekend. It's no big deal. Maybe DP is 'not sure' how wankered he's gonna get, so would appreciate the option of a lie in on Sunday.

I just wish I had the luxury of being quite so flaky about my whereabouts at any given time.

You do have that luxury. You tell him you're going away for a weekend.

Although I think the issue here is that you are 'the planner' - let him do the planning for once.

I'm a bit torn. I can see it's annoying. He really should know whether he is going to be here or not. And actually, since he is the one who may or may not be away, he is the one who should make the arrangements. But I guess he won't. But having said all that, I also think you are making a bit of a meal of it. It's just a weekly kid's activity.

Decide how important the activity is. If very, then make arrangements with family member. If DP turns out to be around then he goes with family member and/or collects family member and you get time off. Bonus.

If not very important then don't make arrangements and if DP not around and too last minute to ask for help then activity doesn't happen. Not the end of the world.

And for lunch just but a posh quiche and nice bread rolls and serve with salad. Not a big deal.

So yes, some sympathy. But not that much.