AIBU to have a depression relapse?

[madcatsforever]

Just that really...

The last few years have been hard to say the least, I had a serious eating disorder which I was treated for from 2014-2015 and did some permanent physical damage to my body. I overcame the food issues but emotionally was still very damaged.

In the first half of 2016 I attempted suicide 3 times and self harmed on a daily basis. I had no desire to live and planned each attempt meticulously and was actually disappointed in myself for failing.

After trialling a number of medication combinations and having ongoing talking therapy (DBT) I began to cope better and emerged from the depression around October with a new lease of life and a hope for the future that I never thought I'd ever have again. I worked hard to repair relationships and rebuild trust, especially with my husband who had supported me through the times when I couldn't look after myself.

I moved on, got a puppy, got interested in new things, got involved in a hobby and made new friends. Family life became relaxed and happy. Until the last few weeks. Suddenly I find myself waking very early in the mornings, going through the day in a fog, unable to concentrate, unable to feel hope or excitement. I have no motivation for hobbies or friends - even getting up and dressed and walking the dog is a massive chore. I feel empty and I feel terrified that this is the beginning of another depressive episode that could steal months or years of my life if not take my life.

I confided in my husband how I was feeling and his reply was 'You'd better snap out of it I'm not going through that again'

Now I genuinely don't know what to do. I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow but don't know how much to tell her or what I expect her to do. I take my medication religiously at the same time every morning and night. I read and re-read my DBT workbooks and continue to use the exercises in them. I don't under stand why I feel this way or how to stop it. I know that when I'm ill I'm a burden on those closest to me. I just want it to end.

Sorry I can't offer you anything more madcats, but I just wanted to say you're doing really bloody well. You're still taking your meds and still going over the DBT stuff despite feeling awful. I really hope that the GP can do something, maybe switch your meds? Sorry that your husband was so hurtful when you confided in him too. I am not excusing his behaviour, but I know that supporting someone with depression can really affect your own mental health.
Is there anything that's changed in the last few weeks? Again, sorry to be unhelpful but I think it's great that you're doing so much to help yourself and seeing your GP.

www.samaritans.org
If you want to talk to someone who actually knows what they're talking about

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and no, YANBU. Maybe start therapy again if possible, you could always try a different therapist.....

I hope your GP is supportive. Take baby steps right now, you've worked so hard to look after yourself and you can do it again x

I think you should tell your GP exactly what you have told us. Print your post off and show it to her. You've done really well and will do so again. It might just mean your meds need tweaking a bit to get you over this bump in the road but you will get there. In the meantime is it worth having a bit more talking thereapy so that you have some support in place during this rocky patch?

Thank you for your kind replies

I don't think anything has changed. I had a hysterectomy 12 weeks ago which I've recovered from very well. I have dealt with my infertility and childlessness over a number of years and feel that I had come to terms with that part of my life. I don't know if it can be some hormonal reaction following the surgery or something else unrelated. I wish I knew so that I could do something about it.

I totally don't blame my husband for his behaviour, a year ago he was fighting to keep me at home and not detained under the mental health act and I was assessed to be admitted several times. He didn't feel that he could let me out alone or leave me in the house alone because he knew that I would hurt myself as soon as I was alone. I understand he doesn't want to go through it again. I don't want to go through it again. I don't know if I have the strength to do it again.

I wish that seeing it coming would be enough to stop it in its tracks but I know over the last few weeks I have got worse and feel like I'm spiralling out of control.

I just hope that my GP can suggest something :(

You're doing everything right OP, and you are seeking help. Most definitely print out your post as someone suggested, just in case you can't get the words out at the GP. You have come through this before and you will again. Depression and eating disorders are illnesses, and you are not to blame for suffering/having suffered from them. I will spend my whole life battling depression (a very bad period for a few years during my late teens/early twenties when I was suicidal and felt no hope or excitement. All I did was cry, all day long, every day) but have found coping mechanisms and can recognise when I'm slipping down that dark hole again. I can stop it these days. Maybe a silly suggestion and you may have tried it but yoga and meditation helped me find some balance.

You are doing everything you can to help yourself, so no YANBU. Depression is often characterised by relapses like this, and even after 5 years since my last major episode I find myself having dark periods that I really have to fight to get through. I often can't do it alone.

Your DH was BU to tell you to snap out I'd it, but his comments were probably borne out of desperation. When I have wobbles my DM says things like that or like "You managed to pull yourself tohether before so you can do it again." It's not helpful, but when I'm more rational she says she says these things because she's terrified for me.

Tell your GP all of this. You may need to have your medication adjusted, or it could be hormonal, as you've already said.

Whatever the cause, be kind to yourself. Stop pressurising yourself to be able to stop this by yourself. Part of recovering is being able to ask for help when you can. You've seen it coming this time, that's a big step! And now you can ask your GP for their input too, which is another big step.

If you can put a plan in place for yourself with the help of the GP, with the aim of stopping things before they get worse then your DH may realise how far you have come since last time and be a bit more supportive. I find when I'm feeling low and tell my family "I'm feeling X, but I'm doing Y and will need help with Z." they are a lot more supportive than when I just say "I'm feeling X, help!"

Good luck to you

No advice but I hope it gets better soon, OP.