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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - Partner's family are quite weird with me . . .

42 replies

WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 12:34

My partner and I have been together for 8 years and have a 5 month old son. My partners parents split up years ago when he was really young and both remarried. I get on fine with his Mum, but with his dad and stepmum things are quite strained, not just with me but my partner too. Stepmum always has to be in control matter what. My partner feels very uncomfortable around his Dad and feels like they just don't know each other. Lots of other things too have added to it over the years, too much to mention. Stepmum also has a daughter from a previous relationship who is the same age as us - I think she has a real problem with me. Since we've had our son both stepmum and stepsister have become more weird with me. We're friends on fb, but since having my son they seem to ignore any photos of him, especially stepsister. They used to be fine before. It's not about getting 'likes', I have a private account of family and close friends - it's the fact that he isn't being acknowledged at all, which hurts and is unfair on him. She literally lives on fb and posts every detail of her life on there. The only time she ever likes any of my photos/posts is when her Mum and stepdad are involved. I find it very weird that she does this and doesn't even acknowledge our son! With other members of the family (grandchildren) they are completely different - there's a lot of favouritism going on. I feel like sending her a message asking what the problem is. It's so noticeable that she is doing this. I don't know what I have done. So I just want to ask, what would you do in this situation? I'm fed up of it and a constant atmosphere, my partner never wants to see them. It's always me who has to organize things so that they see each other. Sick of it all.
Hope this all makes sense!

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WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 12:45

Should say as well that when we do meet with them, everything just seems so forced. I've told my partner to speak to his Dad about how he feels and try to resolve things if we can be he refuses to and says nothing will change. Not a nice situation. Any help on what to do would be appreciated Smile

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ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2017 12:47

Step away.

If your partner makes no effort to make plans with them then I really think you need to stop.

Seriously, I gave up trying to include ILs after 15 years of failure and the last 2 years have been much easier.

Concentrate on your own life and the nice people in it- it's too short to chase people who don't give a shit.

WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 12:52

ohfourfoxache See, that's what I've been thinking. Why should I bother? I wouldn't expect my partner to have to make plans with my family and I have spoken to him about it but he doesn't want to bother. It's not nice but I don't know what else to do. You're very right, life's too short. Thank you.

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19lottie82 · 03/05/2017 12:52

I agree I made an effort w my in laws for four years without any success. They aren't nasty to me as such just show no interest in me and make no effort, so I gave up and I'm now a lot happier!

ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2017 12:55

I know it's hard. And making the effort and getting nowhere is shit, isn't it?

But you just need to remember that it's not you, it's them. You've done all that you can. What's that phrase about leading a horse to water?

MatildaTheCat · 03/05/2017 12:57

Meh, who cares really? This girl isn't interested in being family with you. It's probably not personal.

In terms of FB, if she has hundreds of friends it's possible that she only sees pictures in which you've tagged her mother or your step dad. Anyway,mot doesn't really matter...she's not going to be a doting auntie.

Enjoy your baby and forget analysing your 'likes'. Smile

WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 12:58

19lottie82 The odd time they may make an effort but not often. It's the same here, not nasty just not much interest. And the whole stepsister not acknowledging our son on fb is just a bit weird and quite upsetting. I try not let it get to me. Easier said than done, though.

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WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 13:00

MatildaTheCat I'm sure it is intentional, there is a lot of favouritism. But you are right, I don't think it's good for me to be analysing it too much!

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WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 13:01

ohfourfoxache It is shit, yeah. But not my problem. You guys are making me feel better already! Smile

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ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2017 13:01

Can you just block on FB? Probably best not to delete (purely to avoid drama!) but can you unfollow?

ohfourfoxache · 03/05/2017 13:02

Just wondering if unfollowing might stop you from feeling crap about it

ThePants999 · 03/05/2017 13:04

Honestly not meaning to be rude, but you care far too much about what your partner's dad's wife's daughter thinks of you and your family. Why are you making an effort to build a relationship with members of your partner's family (who aren't even blood relatives) who aren't interested in a relationship with you, and he's not interested in a relationship with them?

Starlighter · 03/05/2017 13:06

Has the stepsister got kids herself?

I know what you mean about the FB thing! It's so weird and rude!

I think you need to take a step back for a while though. Out of everyone here, I don't see why it falls to you to make all the effort?! It's his family, let him deal with them.

FizzyGreenWater · 03/05/2017 13:06

Think of it this way - you have the right kind of problem here.

From what you've said, stepmum and her daughter sound pretty hard work. Always having to be in control, petty on FB? Not great, really.

So, imagine how much worse it would be if stepmum decided that you and your DH/DS WERE part of the family? You'd be posting here about how she was forever harassing you to hand over your DS for babysitting or forever there on the weekend insisting they were involved (and dictating) re everything you do.

Be thankful that they don't give a shit - and leave them to it. Not even your partner wants to make the effort. Yes it's sad that he isn't close to his dad, but I'd be sending up a thankful prayer that my family wasn't on the radar here and skipping off happily into the sunset.

jelliebelly · 03/05/2017 13:08

Walk away and stop following her on Facebook..why are you bothering?

fourandnomore · 03/05/2017 13:10

Unfollow them all, don't tag them and just ignore her - and just try to let your dh manage his relationship with his dad. Similar set up here but I get on fine with my fil and his wife and so have always encouraged meeting, gifts, pics of kids etc but recently I have pulled back after realising that my dh didn't really want all that because he simply doesn't have that relationship with his dad due to a massive back story from the split. I should never have got involved really and everything is still fine but it's on my dh's terms, which he decides and which is best.

Blossomdeary · 03/05/2017 13:11

Blooming facebook!

Hissy · 03/05/2017 13:12

My love, if your other half feels this way about his dad/stepmum, and never wants to see them, please allow him the space to not see them.

you have noticed they are weird, they probably are. Step back and get on with enjoying life with your DP and your DS.

I agree that unfollowing them and limiting posts to friends only making them aquaintances will help

terrylene · 03/05/2017 13:12

Honestly not meaning to be rude, but you care far too much about what your partner's dad's wife's daughter thinks of you and your family. Why are you making an effort to build a relationship with members of your partner's family (who aren't even blood relatives) who aren't interested in a relationship with you, and he's not interested in a relationship with them?

What Pants said.

Your DP is probably better calling his Dad and meeting him in the pub occasionally. It does not sound like the others can be bothered with being family.

WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 13:14

ohfourfoxache That's a good idea, it would cause drama if I deleted, so unfollowing is a good idea.
ThePants999 That's exactly what I have been thinking. I think the bit that gets me the most is the way they are being with my son. I can put up with other stuff but that hurts a bit. I've never really been worried about what they think of me, I can live with that!
Starlighter No, she doesn't have kids. And I know, it shouldn't fall to me. I won't be bothering any more. I've sent them messages in the past but they have ignored them, even though I can see they have seen them and then say they didn't receive them lol.
FizzyGreenWater That's true. Good way of looking at it.

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thecolonelbumminganugget · 03/05/2017 13:16

Sounds like she has 'unfollowed' you on Facebook so the only time she is aware of you having posted anything is when someone else you are both friends with and that she is following is also tagged.

I'm not really a baby person and I'm at the age where a lot of my friends are having kids. I unfollow people now who have recently had babies as I'm still in the 'liking' photos of mates falling out the pub shitfaced and pictures of dogs wearing hats stage of my life and find pictures of people's babies very tedious so I just hide them. Don't take it personally, people get different things from Facebook.

sparechange · 03/05/2017 13:17

Step away. It is almost certainly seething jealousy on her part, and you confronting her in any way just gives her an excuse to publicly hate you, instead of her current quiet seething hatred
She will relish the opportunity to paint you as the bad guy, and it WILL end up all over Facebook with her as the injured wounded party

(My stepmoster is the same. If her daughter so much as makes a cup of tea, it is on facebook with stepmoster liking and commenting on it, including comments on behalf of my dad who doesn't use FB. However, I don't think I've ever had any sort of FB attention from her ever)

gamerchick · 03/05/2017 13:17

Just delete them, never mind all this unfollowing bollocks. I have no problems not having family members on my Facebook. Just don't focus so much energy on them, they sound like bellends anyroad.

DirtyChaiLatte · 03/05/2017 13:18

She's your partner's step sister. That's hardly a relationship of any significance at all.

I think the fact that you're getting annoyed about her ignoring your child sounds a bit odd to me. Now, if it was his actual sister then you might be right to be annoyed.

Also, it's mainly the fact that she doesn't comment on your Facebook that you're annoyed about? It really sounds like much ado about nothing to me.

WinterRose92 · 03/05/2017 13:19

Thanks, guys for all the messages. I agree with all of what you are saying. I'm going to pull back and let my partner deal with it from now on.
terrylene Thing is, my partner has tried to meet his Dad on his own a few times but either stepmum or stepsister has turned up, too! Or his Dad has meet him once or twice and stayed about 15 mins and left.
I just find it sad, really. Especially as I have such a great relationship with my parents. But not my place, I guess.

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