To feel so torn about breastfeeding?

[opalescent]

I am so preoccupied at the moment regarding feeding.
My baby is 12 weeks old, and predominantly breastfed. She has a formula feed in the late evening, so that I can go to bed early, and DP does this. She seems happy enough with this.

I really feel ready to stop breastfeeding now, but am agonising over my particular list of pros and cons.

Pros-
breast milk is nutritionally best
It's free, and always ready and available to give. No faffing, sterilising etc.
She likes breastfeeding. It's sweet, and close and calming.
(To me) formula smells horrible, and it puts me off wanting to give it to her all the time.

Cons-
My boobs are constantly huge, which is a pain. I hate the way they look. Nothing fits. I'm tiny, so they're really disproportionate. They are often very tender, and I have a really strong and painful letdown. My 4 year old regularly clambers over me and elbows or knees me in the boob, which is so painful.
Leaking.
Having to wear breast pads every day 😡 which are sweaty and uncomfortable and make my boobs look even bigger.

I really want to stop. AIBU?

Totally your choice but from your posts so far I think you might regret stopping now - and then you can't go back! As it's true that your boobs will from now on start settling down size wise, I would take it day by day and keep on for now.

BF is so much easier, better, convenient - all the things you say. Once you're stuck with formula that's it.

Go day by day, see how your boobs look in a couple of weeks, and think about gradually dropping feeds?

Your reasons are completely up to you and valid whatever you decide.

I agree your boobs will settle down, but be aware that the body shape you're craving might not re emerge at all. My actual shape seems to have completely changed through pregnancy and 16 months on I'm still trying to get used to it. I get the need for a bit of 'before' back in your life, but this might not be the answer regardless of boobs or bottles.

There is such a thing as mixed feeding and if your baby already takes a bottle I would be tempted more by that. We used to give dd one evening bottle till she hit weaning and started refusing it. Little bugger I wish I'd pushed it a bit more to be honest because I really was stuck breast feeding then to get milk into her.

OP, I would start dropping feeds, and do so realllly slowly. Stopping BF quickly can do bad things to your mood. So while you are undecided, I would drop one feed at a time, and you can reassess as you go.

Even if you drop down to one BF a day, you could build it back up again if you suddenly decide you want to stop the formula.

I ended up having to stop quite suddenly as DD decided straight away that bottle feeding was easier so refused the breast after only a feed or 2! I expressed a bit at each feed time, just enough to relieve the pressure but not so much that I was stimulating the milk.

Whatever you choose to do, be confident in your decision. In years to come, this time will feel like a very short window in the grand scheme of things and not worth torturing yourself over.

Matilda - I was exactly the same, I felt so rubbish with the feeding and the thought of waiting for it to settle down made me more depressed so decidedly to switch to formula. I went out, bought bottles, brushes and sterilising stuff, did a few formula feeds then changed my mind and haven't looked back since. I agree having the option available, and mentally giving myself permission took the pressure off and I was fine then

Op - It sounds like it's a common point to have a wobble and it really does get easier, I'm quite happy now. My let down was awful and I leaked regularly. I find lanisoch pads amazing, haven't leaked out of those at all. BUT your reasons are not odd, I felt the same and after 9months of being careful and uncomfortable, I desperately wanted my body back to myself. If you really are unhappy, it is fine to stop, I've formula fed one and bf 2 and neither seems to have been better than the other. As you are unsure though, maybe start by increasing the formula feeds but still mix feeding for a bit until you are sure xx

I used reusable breast pads. I had 4 pairs and they dry quickly. They were made of bamboo cotton so hygienic too, far nicer than the throw away ones.

I do think at 12 weeks you have done the hard bit! I'm still feeding my 14 month old twins. If they are disgruntled or upset milk just settles them (or distracts them).

Also after work I think it gives us time to sit together, I am forced to relax with them.

Totally agree with what @UppityHumpty said. You've done fabulously well to BF for 12 weeks. I agonised over my decision to stop at 8 weeks, felt way too guilty about it for a couple of weeks and then realised I was actually much happier and enjoying my baby much more when I wasn't BF and I knew I had definitely made the right decision for me and my baby. That's just my experience, and I do wish it had worked out for me, but don't beat yourself up about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding.

Thank you all so much for the lovely and balanced replies on this thread. It's really helped to reassure me that there is no right or wrong answer.

I think for now I'm going to do as some have suggested, and drop one or two feeds a day, to see how that feels.