bloody couscous

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

ds is in yr 8 - he has Aspergers and is very disorganised.

He had cooking lesson on Friday morning. He remembered on Thursday afternoon just before I went to the shop, I went with a long list of ingredients and purchased everything he needed. Apricots, couscous, peppers, tomatoes, cucumber, salad dressing.... So he goes to school with all the ingredients carefully measured out into bags and in a nice spacious Tupperware box.

He made it, apparently the teacher said it was nice, ds wouldn't touch it as it has vegetables mixed up with the other ingredients everything touching... he has food issues. anyway - so it gets left in the fridge at school, he has completely forgotten about it as soon as he leaves his cooking class and has lunch then afternoon lessons. At the end of the day he runs home - picking up his cooking from the classroom before leaving is not part of his routine. I remind him after school - but of course it is too late then, so all that food wasted and it is not going to be edible now 4 days later! I get annoyed he crys and sobs - so I tell him not to worry about it now as it cannot be changed - he can move on and gets back to minecrafting - I have to seethe alone.

He does this sort of thing all the time and because he has aspergers, he will continue doing it. He has to have help to stay focused and organised as he cannot cope with all the other demands placed on him by school and forced social interaction. I know this - but I cannot help getting fed up and pissed off and sometimes wanting to scream.

It feels better to get the moan off my chest to stangers on the internet - it is a bit like screaming into the abyss - sometimes the abyss screams back!

Does he have any support in school?

In the kindest possible way YABU
I understand it can be frustrating though. What kind of support does he have at school?

I have Asperger's and that's exactly the kind of thing I'd do!

Will he have cooking every Friday this half term? Could you give him some sort of reminder in his last lesson on a Friday, to remind him to go and get his cooking? Like a sticker on the front of his workbook? An alarm on a phone/watch?

Likewise, he will probably need reminding to give you the ingredients list.

But over time, you can hopefully 'train' him to set these sort of reminders up himself. Maybe go through the next days timetable each evening and help him to spot what might be troublesome and do something about it. I still do it now as an adult, if I know I need to take something to work in the morning then I put it on top of my work shoes. I'd be lost without my iPhone calendar.

(Though it's still not foolproof, I have been known to leave work early for a dentist appointment and accidentally go straight home...)

I've eaten veg cous cous after 4 days, do it regularly in fact. No ill effects yet.

I don't think you should have shouted at him - who cares if he left some food for a few days? Just tell him to bring it home when you can and if it's good try some, and if not bin it. Life's too short to sweat this kind of stuff.

Uppity I didn't shout at him, I was annoyed - think Marge Simpsons growl - ds is easily upset - I am unable to protect him from all my negative reactions as it is I repress - often!

You must be near the end of your rope to get this upset over some couscous. You need to look at yourself at this point and decide what you can do to make yourself deal with your frustration so you don't blow up at small things. Otherwise you are headed for a big meltdown yourself. I know how frustrating it is. I have a kid with Aspergers and he has terrible acne and won't stop touching his face all the time. It drives me crazy. I feel like blowing up as well. I have to take lots of walks!!

Don't forget Aspergers kids get told every day all the time everything they are doing wrong. It's really hard on them and not their fault they often have poor executive function and poor working memory. Things are much harder on them. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but sometimes we forget how much harder the world is for them. Try to remember that when you feel frustrated. You'll probably end up feeling sad for your son but it's better than growling at him. I go between feeling like tearing my hair out to weeping about things with my son. It's really hard.

Oh bless the wee soul. I really think seething about forgotten cous cous is a bit OTT.

I should say in my defence that one tub of couscous is not the only thing that d's has forgotten ever. I have an accumulation of minor forgotten, mislaid, broken and discarded things - it is not only ds, dd1 is twenty months younger and also has Aspergers and also forgets her things on Friday she lost her locker key, I had spent the day working in citizens advice and then taken d's to get new school shoes, she didn't want to go and it involved a train journey. So by the time I was home and asked d's about the couscous - yes I was a little cranky. But I didn't shout just got a bit frustrated and growly - d's cannot manage even the slightest criticism so he was upset. But ultimately he knows we love and support him. He gets plenty positive reinforcement and as much downtime as we can give him. He gets some support at school

I have two children who have asd, one is in a unit the other has not been into school for 6 months.
The one who is in a unit won't go outside without an adult (he is 16 himself) and the other won't go out at all.
It's draining and isolating and I have pretty much lost all my friends because of this.
I love my children and of course I will do anything to help and support them.
But sometimes I wonder where is the parents help?

Tablet is playing up so apologies in advance I may have to stop post at odd place.

I have to be mild mannered and understanding with my children. I am most of the time, sometimes I lose my cool. My ds is an amazing human being, clever, kind and so sweet with his sisters, but Ds sometimes has to be told to go away when he is in belligerent 'Captain Pedantic' mode as I can't always be patient with someone who is constantly pointing out factual errors and correcting my grammar, or arguing passionately that black is white or asking exactly what time we need to leave tomorrow for the car boot sale or pointing out that as dd1 is having carrot cake then he should have 3 biscuits otherwise an immense injustice is occurring. It is relentless, I know why he behaves as he does. I can generally put it into perspective, but I am a flawed human being not specially designed to be above all petty human concerns. So sometimes I seethe, then I have a hot bath, and wine.

Daffodils

Thank you, not wanting people to feel sorry for us.
But just for some people to realise having a child/children with asd can effect the whole family.
And after days,months, years of having to try and be a parent and carer can really impact on your well being.
I have known familys to fall apart because of the strain.
It's not all bad though and sometimes we can go through a day without much issue and those days get me through.
Just wish parents had some support can make such a difference between a family staying together and falling a part.
Op have you tried a visual timetable with reminders for things that he forgets?

If it makes you feel any better at all a lot of kids are just useless and would have done the same, without the aspergers.

Ds doesn't like visual timetables much. He got really funny about the pre school checklist I wrote on our blackboard. Dd found it very helpful and likes checklists/ visual timetables and other memory aids. Ds has a rather defeatist attitude generally he cannot visualise success he tends to catastrophise things he finds difficult.

It would be easier if I wasn't such a clutzy, disorganised person myself

Can he be paired up with an organised child in the same class on Friday afternoon who's job it can be to remind him to fetch his cooking?

Some keen super organised child would probably love the extra responsibility!

I only got through school because my friends made sure I was in the right place with the right stuff.

I agree daffs - not looking for a violin solo here! Just needed to rant to someone other than dh. I think with my kids they seem to be 'normal' and able but there is a lot going on to keep them managing. They have no friends coming over (rare occasions like a couple of times in a year), they don't go anywhere without us, they need plans and routines and constant reminders it is hard work making them function as well as they do. But to the casual observer I probably appear to be a pampered house wife with school age children. Hey ho.

I feel your pain. I tell myself this is why DS gets DLA but I bloody hate waste.

I have taken to writing stuff on the back of his hand

DS is 21. No formal diagnosis, but very ASD like. Today he has had a phone interview where he has convinced the interviewer that the job is too outward facing for him, realised he missed the deadline for his uni module, and written a CV and covering letter where he has put 'just', 'only', 'basic', 'no formal education' all the way through. He's underselling himself on every level at every point. I'm going to have to scrutinise every job application he makes so he doesn't sell himself short.

It gets easier. But not yet!

Could his teacher remind him? I'd ask if they can just tell him on Friday hometimes to go get his cooking.

I appreciate that I am coming across as defeatist myself. I am not generally, I have a tendency to wing it and hope for the best, but I have to act against my natural inclinations to be the parent that ds needs. This is tiring in itself, so when I do my best to prepare and support but it goes tits up anyway I can get fed up. This is my issue not ds.

Ds assures me that all future cookery will be brought home promptly. We have yet to see the couscous. When I asked ds why he didn't bring it home yesterday, he looked at me all quizzical like and said "well you told me you wouldn't be able to eat it now" not realising that the boxes etc still needed to be returned home.

Rant on bigmouthstrikesagain, and you know what you hit the nail on the head.
We are so used to our children being like this it's become our 'norm' and other people don't see the struggles we have.
for us, I think we deserve it.

And if you ever need a chat you are always welcome to pm me.

This is my life. My ds is younger than yours but the constant 'thinking' for him is so draining. At the moment I am working really hard to find systems that work for him so he isn't so dependent on me...and failing miserably! I have been to school 3 times so far this morning (once to drop off and twice with things he has forgotten). this isn't out of the ordinary at all. I try hard to keep my cool but he is the oldest of three and sometimes I just want to scream when I think we have something sorted, take the focus off and it's immediately forgotten again.
On the face of things he is doing fine at school, but only because of masses of extra effort from him, me and his teachers.

Cheers Daffs, it is knowing that other people do 'get it' that helps keep me relatively sane.

I feel your pain 3boys, I have 3 children as well. I get to know the school office staff pretty well - due to the lost and forgotten items. Ds will start High School in September this will be interesting as the expectations for pupils to be organised and independent go up exponentially however I have a feeling I will still get to be familiar with The School offices!