To just want DD's father to put her first for once?

[Breadnroses]

DD's father and I are separated, we have shared care of her, and this works well. DD is 12.

Her father works part time, and has a sporting hobby. He has some summer matches that he plays every year. These matches are played afternoon/evening times.

I work shifts, and on the days I work I don't get home until 9 pm, so DD stays with her father these days as it's too late for her, she's still a 10-11 hour a night sleeper!

These matches are played on the same night each week, throughout the summer. This is DD's busy evening, she has an after school club, she swims for a swim academy, followed by guides, which finishes at 7 pm. Then it's home, shower supper and bed.

I have said to ex that it is going to be tricky this year, I don't work locally, and won't be able to run DD to her clubs.
He is expecting DD to miss her clubs, and his sister will look after her until I can collect her at 9 pm.

I have said no way, she will be exhausted, as she also swims in the morning, in pool for 7 am. Also, why on earth should DD have to give up her clubs.

He is making this about me being awkward, and is saying that if I don't get my shifts swapped then he will just go ahead and play anyway. I'm not unwilling to try and swap shifts, as long as this doesn't impact on the time DD and I have together, or mean that I have to work extra weekend days.

Needless to say, I have lost sleep over this, and swing from being angry to sad that he is so unwilling to put his daughters needs first.
He plays sport at least 3 other times a week, although not at match level.

I just need some perspective, AIBU? Because I'm losing the plot with this.

I don't think you are BU. Can the night he has her change and you change your shift to that night? Whilst I don't think you should have to do that if it's your daughter who would suffer I would try and do something like that?

I don't think you are BU. Can the night he has her change and you change your shift to that night? Whilst I don't think you should have to do that if it's your daughter who would suffer I would try and do something like that?

I don't think you are unreasonable at all but if you need him to have her there is nothing you can do about it. Could anyone else take her?

It sounds infuriating, but unfortunately as you say it is DD who suffers if you don't make the change.

What happens if you swap shifts? Do you then have your DD on that day throughout? What time does he finish the match?

Could another swim/Guide parent step up and do the lifts for that evening, if not? It sounds like the swimming is to such a high level that there will be opportunities to 'repay' this?

He's a shit dad. And a knobhead. But yeah, you're pretty much going to have to do what you can to sort it out because you are the one that puts your child first.

I reckon you withdraw any goodwill you may have had when it comes to your dealings with him though, he's shown you what's important and it isn't your daughter or his relationship with her so I'd put you both first from hereon in.

Thanks ladies.

user1486504659 yes I could perhaps change shift, but I don't want to end up working additional weekend day, or working a run of more than three 12 hour shifts. Because I work out of town, a shift turns into 14 hours with commute.

Trifleorbust, no, I don't have anyone else who can take her. Also, my thoughts are why should she sleep out just to accommodate his hobby?!

annandale his matches finish and then there is meal afterwards, so he doesn't get home until after 9 pm.

I'm just furious with him. We had managed to ge on ok until now for the sake of DD. This is exactly the reason I left, his controlling, can't see anything past what he thinks is right attitude.

He seriously thinks his extracurricular are more important than his 12 year old daughter's? What is wrong with him?

So it's not just me then? Because I was actually starting to wonder, hence the thread. My DP has already stepped up as the responsible adult who is around for her on a Saturday as her father thinks it's ok for him to go off and she will be ok with her friends.
He can't do the evening as he works.

Last week, ex said that he is going to court for formal access arrangements. I'm like WTAF?? No way am I sitting in mediation with him, or having any part of that.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable tbh. If you are part of a team then matches are pretty important, no? If it was just another practice night then you'd have a point but it isn't. Change your shifts, or talk to him about cofunding a babysitter to take your dd to activities and home to bed that night.

Yes of course the matches are important. He plays golf, so the matches are only played over the summer. There are more players than needed in the team, so not essential he plays every match.

I'm not saying that he won't be able to play any matches, the days that I am off I will of course have DD.

What I am concerned about is his inability to be flexible about this. To put DD and what she needs first.

I get it, OP. Unfortunately it is what it is. If he won't be flexible then you have to accept it or find another solution.

What time does he finish actually playing? You said the meal afterwards - which as a caring father he should of course be willing to compromise and skip - means he's back after 9. What time would he be back if he left straight after the golf?

I can see it from both sides really. Of he has a suitable plan in place ime his sister I don't see what's wrong with it.

What would your DD like to happen? Where would she like to stay?
Who would she prefer to be looked after by?
Parents aren't just for childcare while the other works.

Surely after school club and guides will be off for 6-8 weeks during the summer anyway? So we're really talking about missing it for the last 4 weeks or so? Got to say he sounds like he's been very flexible with you, your shift work and your new partner and I don't blame him for looking to get a more formal arrangement here. YABU.

I know it reads as though I'm being awkward about this.

DD swims until 4.30, either me or her father collect her, she has a snack, and goes straight to guides. This finishes at 7 pm.

His sister won't be able to do the running about as she will still be at work, she would collect her from guides.

I don't have anyone else to take DD to guides.
Also, she needs to sleep. By the time either me or her father collects s her it would be at least 9 pm, she wouldn't be settled in bed and asleep until say 10.

I know she's 12, but she has long days with the swimming and other things, homework etc. She's been off school as was wiped out once already, so she cut down on the swimming. I don't want her back to that, she needs routine, and enough rest.

So yes, maybe I am being inflexible, but I know what DD needs. And to be disrupted on her busiest and longest day is not it.

It sounds from what you've said that he chooses to play every match he can. It's sad that he has so little interest or pride in his DD's abilities.

I don't doubt for a moment that he will say you should change your job to one nearer and at times where you can be able to do lifts for DD. (Like it's that easy!)

Mediation is no bad thing actually, it could well show him up to be unreasonable. Shared care is just that, at present it is him planning on doing what suits him and not anyone else. He could end up paying more maintenance if he isn't having DD half of the time. He may actually if it goes to court, find that court ordered formal contact arrangements will be far more restricting of his sporting activities than he imagines, and he will have shot himself in the foot.

The other thing he may not have considered, is that DD will start to resent his attitude towards her and cut contact down to what fits in with her own life, and by her mid teens they may not have much of a relationship at all apart from the Bank of Dad and the odd pizza out. It will be his own fault for not putting in the effort.

Just read your update. He could miss the meal after the golf and go to pick up DD from guides, get fish and chips on the way home and she could still stay the night there, getting to bed at a reasonable time. If you could find someone to take her from swimming to guides it would be doable.

Another idea could be if she stays at the pool for a bit longer, takes her snack to eat, and you organise a pre-ordered taxi to pick her up from there and drive her to guides.

Thanks girlywhirly. That is what I can see happening in the future. DDis already showing signs that her preference is to be with me. Not all the time, but it's there.

I've just text him saying about how would it be if he asked to be in first group to play, and missed the meal. Of course this would only work if DD would go in the taxi to guides.

He seriously thinks his extracurricular are more important than his 12 year old daughter's? What is wrong with him?

That is not trivial for me.
It shouldn't be automatically the parent's activity that gets cancelled when there is a conflict.
How long has xH/DD been doing the activity? How many other activities do they do? Etc

At 12 could she not get from swimming to guides under her own steam? I don't think not expecting her to hang around all day Saturday and letting her go off with friends is that bad either.

It sounds like he is prepared to organise care around your working hours and if so making a big deal out of this would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. As a pp said, this will be an issue for a matter of weeks until clubs stop for the summer. Is it really worth a big falling out over?

Could he miss the meal?

I don't think he should automatically drop his hobby In favour of hers, but he should be willing to compromise.

Also I'd say if your dd still needs that amount of sleep, perhaps she's doing too much.