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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to tell the school to drop it?

33 replies

Millerr · 01/05/2017 12:03

Basically, last week my little brother (whose 15) witnessed an incident at his school. He was not involved but basically a boy in his year made an innapropriate comment towards a girl and grabbed her breast the girl then slapped him and made a racist comment back. It was inside during lunchtime and it sounds like my DB was the only person who saw it who is not close friends with either the girl or boy.

My DB witnessed this on Thursday. He came home and he said that he had to speak to a teacher about what had happened (fair enough).

Anyway, he has said nothing else since but has been a bit quiet. Today he has started to say he doesn't feel well but tbh he is a awful liar. I have just asked him what is actually up.

He said that on Friday he had to go and speak to the head of year about his statement as there were 'inconsistencies' in it compared to other accounts (i.e. They all say different things). DB tried to explain that he is the only person who isn't really involved with either parties but he said she wouldn't listen. The HOY kept saying that he has 'connections' to people involved and that he isnt telling the truth. He said he spent over an hour being 'questioned' and then had to miss his lunch as she still thinks he is lying. Apparently she wants to go through it again with him tomorrow, which is why he does not want to go. He said that she was really aggressive and accusing about the whole thing.

So basically, WIBU to call the school tomorrow and basically tell them to leave him alone? He has no reason to lie and I think it's unfair he keeps getting grilled about this even though he hasn't done anything wrong...

OP posts:

missmoohoo · 01/05/2017 12:12

You could be there. Ask for the interview to take place with an adult there if he feels threatened.
I think the witness is important in this. The head teacher would want to get it right too.

TheSnowFairy · 01/05/2017 12:13

The school have to get to the bottom of what happened if he is alleging he saw sexual and heard racist abuse.

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 12:16

He needs some support here. The school should definitely be asking for his version of events but they shouldn't be harassing him. He needs to say clearly that he has told the truth and isn't going to answer any more questions.

Ktown · 01/05/2017 12:19

They probably see him as being able to give the best account. They need a fairly impartial witness.
This sounds like a dreadful incident.
Ask him to bullet point and write down what happened and then ask the school to drop it.

Original poster

Millerr · 01/05/2017 12:22

Thanks all. Basically, the boy and his friends and the girl and her friends were the only other people present. They were inside and DB was doing art work over lunch and witnessed it on his way back from the bathroom.

The boy and his friends are saying the comment was made but he did not grab her chest and she slapped him and made a racist comment back.

The girl and her friends are saying he did grab her and she slapped him but she didn't make any racist comments.

DB says he witnessed it all (he has no reason to lie) and it all happened. The HOY is basically saying X says this didn't happen, I think you are lying to me etc. DB is adamant it did.

Good idea about going in, I'm not working so should be able to. He doesn't usually make a big fuss of things so I can tell it is bothering him.

OP posts:

SlowLifeLove · 01/05/2017 12:23

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Your brother has witnessed sexual assault, assault and a racist incident. The school have a duty of care and the police are possibly going to need to be involved. This is not something the school can just "drop".

You can request an adult is present in the interview with your DB, but, if he's admitted seeing such a serious incident and come forwards to say so, then yes, he is going to get questioned.

It is unreasonable to accuse your brother of lying, but it is fine to say there are three different incidents to what has happened. The girl is likely saying she didn't slap the boy, and the boy is probably saying he was slapped first.

blueskyinmarch · 01/05/2017 12:25

They shouldn't be quizzing him like that. They need a statement from each individual and if they don’t tie up they just need to leave it. I agree that he should write it down exactly as he saw it and heard it and give it to the teacher.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/05/2017 12:26

Oh FFS not again! There was a similar thread a while back and the poor kid who 'witnessed' it like your brother went through hell, they were questioning him constantly (fuck knows why as his version of events "I didn't see ANYTHING" wasn't helpful to his best mate) definitely go in with him

Trifleorbust · 01/05/2017 12:31

Whether or not they drop their investigation or involve the police etc is their call. That is irrelevant to the fact that they can't coerce one of their students into repeated 'interviews' once he has said what he saw and that he has nothing to add. The police may question him again if they get involved but until that happens this is nothing to do with him. He has told the truth and they need to either believe him or not, but either way to leave him alone.

TheExuberant1 · 01/05/2017 12:33

I would not have my child questioned in that manner. The school may have a duty of care but it doesn't mean they should make a child ill over an incident he witnessed.

MaisyPops · 01/05/2017 12:37

If they're asking him again because "we have 3 stories and people are saying x and Y didn't happen" then they're probably just tying up their investigations.

You can't just ask school to drop it. Hell, on Mumsnet you get people claiming 'abuse' and 'inform the polixe' the second something nasty happens. And they're never happy unless blood is drawn from the people involved.

This is a serious issue they have to take seriously. He just bullet points what happened. And repeats that over and over again.

GinSwigmore · 01/05/2017 12:37

You would be unreasonable telling them to drop it but well within your rights writing to HT/HOY as to why they need to question DB more than twice.
Especially as his version of events is the most probable.
Boy will cop to comment but not breast grabbing
Girl will cop to slap but not racist slur
Your DB says it all happened...really not sure why HOY is sceptical.
Occam's razor: both minimising, both did exactly what they are being accused of by the other. Boy started it with sexual assault.

MaisyPops · 01/05/2017 12:38

Should add. I'm not saying it's OK for them to interrogate him unlimited times. Just that if they're asking once more because they've got different versions, they may be just waiting for a different witness to trip up.

Jayfee · 01/05/2017 12:43

. It is easy for us,not being 15 and not being in the school environment to make suggestions, but I would ask your brother what he wants to do. If he wants you to go in, fine. I am assuming there is a reason you rather than a parent would go with him. As he isnot backing either side, I don't understand why the hoy is questioning him so much. Or does she think one side is telling the truth and the other lying so wants him to back her up???

Topseyt · 01/05/2017 12:44

Go in as support to your brother. Get the Head of Year's end of things too.

Say that in light of what happened and the way it has gone since that your brother has shown clear signs of distress and wants/needs a parent or other responsible adult with him when questioned further.

It can be so hard for schools to really get to the bottom of these things as everyone's version can be slightly different. Things can get very muddled.

It does sound as though he may be the only independent witness. If he is consistent in his story then he just might need a little bit of support to say "that is what I saw, I am telling the truth to the very best of my knowledge".

Inertia · 01/05/2017 12:48

The school can't drop it, but it seems more than reasonable for you to be there while the HOY speaks with him.

MaisyPops · 01/05/2017 12:50

Or does she think one side is telling the truth and the other lying so wants him to back her up???
Or the teacher knows that both sides are presenting half truths that present their mates as the victim and she needs his view to prove that both parties did something wrong.

user1493035447 · 01/05/2017 12:58

If it's got to this stage the school isn't qualified to be conducting interviews and the matter should be referred to the police. But to call someone a liar during cross examination is absolutely outrageous, I would be absolutely furious. In fact, I know if I'd wrongly been called a liar by a teacher at school I'd have called them out, walked away, and I'd have had the full support from my dad. It's intimidating behaviour like that that'll make him turn a blind eye in the future, make sure you point that out!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/05/2017 12:59

Your poor brother. Both parties know they did wrong and will admit to what gets them in the least trouble but still sounds believable.
The sexual assault is inexcusable, but so is the racist remarks she made back. just because she was wronged first doesn't make it ok to retaliate.

Of course their friends will back them up, your son is the only impartial one, so he's the unfortunate one who will get all the pressure piled on him.

That said, he's given his account, he should 100% be believed.

The school are probably shitting themselves trying to not have to deal with the fact someone was sexually assaulted on their grounds, and also the racial abuse, both of which are serious, but that doesn't warrant bullying your brother to lie to make it go away.

Absolutely insist on him not being questioned again without an adult present, or unless it is to speak to police etc, as he isn't the one who did anything wrong and shouldnt be a scape goat.

Topseyt · 01/05/2017 13:02

If you or one of your parents are with your brother at the next meeting then a more carefully explained and reasoned tone is likely to be adopted.

No, they can't drop it. They are very possibly dealing with allegations of assault and racism between the parties concerned.

They are fortunate enough to have an independent witness in your brother. He needs to make it clear that he has no connection at all to either party, and that to the best of his knowledge he is unaware of any back story between them.

That is what I would do in his position. I am 50 though. Would I have had the confidence to stand up and say the same when I was 15? I doubt it, and that is why I would suggest a parent (or perhaps you) should be with him.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/05/2017 13:13

The HOY is accusing your brother of lying. Why should he bother telling them it all again.

plominoagain · 01/05/2017 13:27

Sounds like this head needs to remember he's a WITNESS . Not a suspect . He's not done anything wrong , and any teacher with an ounce of sense would know that the least likely way to get any information out of a child , and let's face it, hes 15 , but he is still a child , is to keep on and on at them until they either clam up totally , in which case she's failed , or they say whatever she wants to hear in which case everything's flawed . Or is that what she's aiming for ? So his version of events , even if untrue , tallies with whatever result she's aiming for .

Personally , I'd be asking her why she's going over and over old ground .

GreenHillsSunnySkies · 01/05/2017 13:29

The school can't drop their dealing with the incident, it's far too serious, they really should have called in the police to deal with it and I'm astonished they haven't. You can tell them they need to stop their harassment of your brother. He's given his statement of what he witnessed and has stood by that despite repeated questioning. What the heck are they trying to get him to say? You need to accompany him to see the HOY and insist that the head teacher be there too and tell them this intimidation of your brother stops or you will be taking it further.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 01/05/2017 13:41

No you shouldn't call and tell them to leave him alone, as other PPs have said the school can't just leave this. What should do, however, is get his account down, in writing, and along with your concerns that he is now being accused of lying, having no pressure out on him by HOY when he is merely a witness. Then you send it to the Head, the Senior leadership team members in charge of safeguarding (they should be clearly named in the school's Safeguarding policy documentation which should absolutely be on their website, and possibly the Chair of governors (though you may want to hold off on that last one until such time as you may wish to complain about how HOY has treated your brother, a witness). Always put stuff like this writing, it then has to be recorded, phone calls don't count, especially when people want to 'cover' things up.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/05/2017 13:42

being cynical.

It sounds to me like the HoY has made a decision and your brother's statement makes it very hard to put the sanction that she wants in place.

If he changes his statement and it doesn't line up with her view she can discredit him and if it does line up with her view she can say I told you so and use it either way she gets what she wants.

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